So, my predictions for the season ahead:

- Nottingham Forest top the table in August, but fade away by Christmas.

- Jesse Marsch sacked.

- Erik ten Hag claims it will take another 3 transfer windows to turn the team around, after a faltering start to the season.

- Raheem Stirling criticised by Thomas Tuchel - <Er konnte kein Scheunentor mit einem Banjo treffen>

- thegoat [sic] devotes more posts to talking about Liverpool than the team he claims to support.

- Frank Lampard sacked before Christmas.

- Eddie Howe sacked. Benitez, Guardiola, Pochettino, Zidane, Conte and (recently sacked) Mourinho linked with the role.

- Ryanb741 devotes more posts to talking about Liverpool than any of the teams he claims to support at the time.

- Antonio Conte claims it will take another 3 transfer windows to turn the team around, after a faltering start to the season. Demands support from the board or he will leave.

- Erling Haaland spends a night in hospital after being knocked out by Jordan Pickford in a freak Kung Fu kick accident following a corner. Pickford claims Haaland dived.

- Harry Kane falls into the foetal position clutching one of his shins - at least 4 times every match. Fails to get booked for diving. Reveals in interview that he was a Bayern Munich fan as a boy.

- Want away striker Christiano Ronaldo refuses to train with Man Utd at the beginning of the season. Wins golden boot.

- Fan trouble before the PSG v Bayern Munich Champions league match blamed on drunken scousers.

- Major incident declared in Manchester as loud screaming leads paramedics to wrongly believe that Bruno Fernandes has been injured.

- Ryanb741’s reliable source revealed as one of the check-out girls at Kingston Primark.

- Several posts clarifying that Man City/Newcastle/PSG/[your team here] is not actually state owned, and even if it were, lots of other teams/owners/sponsors are also guilty of sport washing/murder/money laundering/human rights abuses, so thats ok and shut up.

- North London cub scouts choose to <Visit Rwanda> for this year's camp. 3 months later 7 of them turn up at a refugee camp outside Calais. 15 children plus Akela still missing.

- Matches involving Liverpool once again voted most entertaining of the season. Liverpool don't win any trophies.

- Jack Grealish signs lucrative Lap Rug advertising contract with The Edinburgh Woollen Mill company.

- Mikel Arteta sacked.

- Phil Foden finally realises that his barber has actually just been taking the piss all these years. Demands his £7.65 back.