Request: anedcotal quality-of-life suggestions for dealing with cancer treatment

[dice]

I'll preface this by saying I apologise if the topic appears morbid or awkward. However I'm approaching it from a purely pragmatic perspective. Fact is, some people get cancer and the great thing about a forum community is all these varied, lived experiences, the platform to share them, and the chance for others to benefit.

Someone close to me has been diagnosed with cancer. Fairly severe (stage 3-4), and we're at the precipice of starting treatment which is looking like surgery followed by chemo.

I want to help this person out wherever I can. I am thankfully in a position to do so (with both money and time), but I haven't a clue where to start. I've put her in a good position with the pragmatic stuff like employment, transport for appointments, attending consultations with her, but that's the mechanical/administrative stuff. I'm young-ish (34) and have been lucky enough to not be closely affected by this before, but its not done me any favours in being an effective companion.

I've read almost all the Macmillan literature (excellent, btw) and have been listening to The Big C show to get some first hand insight. Surprisingly its the first-hand stuff from The Big C that, on speaking to friends who have had some experience with cancer, seemed to resonate a lot - which is what prompted me to start this thread. Tips like "bio-oil on the nails twice a day", "having a cold ice cap to hand at all times", these seem like quality of life improvements that can make or break someone's mindset for the whole day.

My ask was - from your own, or close experience - are there any tips in preparing/during/after treatment you'd be willing to share, that made a positive difference? Conversely, anything to avoid?

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and regardless if you can share anything or not, thanks for any thought you put into this!

[CardShark]

Not specifically for those diagnosed with cancer though I've always been of the opinion that actually doing something, or anything, is better than the admittedly well intended line of "if you need any help with anything, please ask". That places the onus on them to call for help, that they initiate the actual act of goodwill.

When my late father was diagnosed with, and going through the (debilitating, for him) treatment for cancer, I ensured that things like the family house and my mum were looked after, for example doing the gardening, shopping, taking mum out for the day when my dad couldn't and so on. All without prompting, and all things I know would take weight from his mind.

You don't say who this person is in relation to yourself though if you know their friends and/or family then communicating with them and maybe coordinating help between you all will be beneficial. Likewise calling in on those who may be closer to this person than you are may also be of great help, when someone is diagnosed with anything potentially serious it's a wide circle that's drawn in.

I hope things go well for her, you certainly come across as someone who'd do well by her regardless of any advice on here.

[dice]

Sorry to hear your father had to go through it too. I completely agree with your point, I will be taking a leaf out of that book. Some people have no issue asking for help and I envy them. One of my flaws is that I'm always unreasonably concerned about being a burden upon other people, so I rarely ask for help (its to my detriment, not a strength at all). I mention this because she is very much the same. I think I can anticipate needs like the ones you mentioned, but I'll take stock and make sure I'm not overlooking anything. Thank you, really appreciate the advice .

[unclealec]

Normality and friendship.
When I was going through this (so long ago that it is hard to remember much about it) I found that half my circle vanished, the other half were over-jovial (which I quite enjoyed) and the rest just helped me with my maths.
A hobby or interest comes in very handy; something that may focus the mind away from the situation for a while. Anything in your unfortunate acquaintance's portfolio?
Also, when in that position, it is strange how your behaviour is often described as bravery. It is pragmatism. You are on a path and if you find yourself on that path the best you can do is grit your teeth, get on with it, and make the most of things that you can still enjoy.

I doubt this will be of much help as we are all different; but please pass on my best wishes and hope for a positive outcome. The kindness and empathy of total strangers can be a considerable boost to morale.

[CardShark]

One of my flaws is that I'm always unreasonably concerned about being a burden upon other people, so I rarely ask for help (its to my detriment, not a strength at all).

I'm the same in that I'd much rather be asked a favour than call one in - I must have hundreds owed back to me by now!

Once again, all the best to both yourself and to her. You're starting on the right foot, I'm sure the rest will follow

[jpjsavage]

My mother in law is literally in her final hours. I can only reiterate how helpful the Macmillan website has been.

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[chrisdobson45]

I was diagnosed with cancer in March 2022. I was fortunate that my chosen treatment pathway was relatively straightforward, surgery followed by radiotherapy. I'm now seven months post-op and my monthly blood tests have all been promising.

What I needed was normality and understanding. My consultant provided me with more than enough information relating to my treatment and was lucky enough to be accepted onto a research project which may mean a better life quality in the near to short-term future.

What I wasn't prepared for was the way colleagues reacted to me before and after surgery and my wife was very much my emotional crutch, she provided the normality I needed and was very understanding the few times I had allowed the thoughts of a less than positive outcome to invade my mind.

[dice]

Thanks to all of you for the input. I can only echo the best wishes that I'm sure you know all of us in your corner want for you and yours.

The normality is a huge one in my opinion - I did identify it but I was worried I was being...a bit of a knob? Thanks for the sanity and that I'm not being too cold on that one. I guessed everyone else would fill emotional need, I could just be a mate and someone to help out matter-of-factly with the specifics that come with treatment. I talk quite candidly, maybe an odd joking jibe about the possible (and likely) side effects of treatment and it seems to be received well!

She's already been off work three months, with the diagnosis in the last week. Her closest mates know - some of whom are colleagues, but you make an excellent point about other colleageues, Chris. I will probably mention that once she's out the other end, don't want to bog her down with too much to think about right now.

[DONGinsler]

Just be there for them when needed, but don't smother them.

Lot of times (so I read) that some friends tend to disappear during times like this or some people don't want their friends around to see them in their weakest position. Mothers best friend didn't want anyone seeing her. My mother liked having her friends over

When my father was diagnosed. He went from a golfer walking 18 holes and basically became child like in his mentality during some periods, but he was 81 years old.

If shes the same age as you. Hopefully she has a strong body to weather the effects of the operation and chemo

Good Luck

[Wimm]

A difficult time for you and you friend, but you seem to be doing the right things already.I hope the treatment plan is successful.

You are showing that you care in the best way that you can and that is so important. As has already been said, at least you are being proactive, too many friends stand back, possibly because they can't deal with it themselves or don't know how to approach the whole scenario.

My Mum is not far away from her last round of chemo. Her situation maybe a bit different as she is the primary carer for my Dad while living in a different country to us children so she couldn't rely on family for support. A few things that helped her were:

A cleaner

A good wig

Food in the freezer (even if she didn't feel like eating at least my Father could without her having to cook)

I also set up a flower subscription for her so she would get fresh flowers during her treatment.

Good luck!

[adrianw]

Stay as active as she can, even though you really won’t feel like it, this defiantly works to relieve joint pain and other inflammatory side effects but is expensive

https://theturmeric.co/collections/n...meric-immunity

[Bonny Marco]

Sorry for your situation. I don't know whether this will be helpful but when my mum was going through chemotherapy, she took to having lemon and ginger tea as chemotherapy affects the taste buds. People react to cancer differently, but it's possible that they are going to have mood swings and get snappy at times. If this happens whilst you are there, tell yourself it's not personal, it's nothing to do with you and sometimes people need to vent.



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[brigant]

I was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer about 4 years ago. I found that a strong positive attitude helps and also friends around are unsure how to act but showing a good attitude helps them to act reasonably normally around you.
I was lucky and it was caught just in time and radiotherapy seems to have fixed it. In fact, I find the ongoing 6 monthly invasive checks more aggravating than the radiotherapy.
Believe in yourself and don't give into it(if you can) and hopefully you might come out the other side.

[Jubal]

The big things I remember most fondly from my cancer and health experiences are as previously pointed out. The ones who didn’t take no for an answer. Like the mate who rang when I’d withdrawn into my shell on diagnosis. It’s the chaps who took me cycling throughout chemo and all reduced the pace to compensate. It’s the friend who brought an entire roast beef dinner into hospital when I’d been there 6 weeks living on white toast and M&S sarnies. There’s more but you get the drift. They all did something!

The little things were just being treated normally. And most were able to which was great. You get a million suggestions of remedies and treatments which I took with good grace but ignored. For your own part as well, the patient has to be as glass half full as they can. Overly jolly is obviously no good but if you’re normal then they are I found. Despite the intense weirdness of the situation at times.

Good luck helping your friend.

[sinner77]

Stage 2 NHL when I was 21.

I am 46 now.

Just be normal.

[dice]

Thanks everyone. By how transparent everyone has been, feels only right that I'm honest and it is indeed my mum who has been diagnosed, and I've moved back for a while to help her so I'm in the house. I've been cagey with telling colleagues since they would get overly sympathetic, and I too want some sense of normality while I'm working. I guess there's no need for the caginess here

I have a decent relationship with my mum so we can talk pretty openly about stuff. We had a minor spat only yesterday so there is some sense of normality! These tips about things like physical activity, the little touches like flowers, and the expectations around mood are excellent to know, thanks. Losing hair isn't a guaranteed consequence of chemo but it seems to be more often than not, so I'll start searching for a good wig now too (or someone who can make one her style).