Reply With QuoteFab idea!
One that's always stuck with me from a few years ago now: "Shaquille! Stop pulling Jordan's hair!!"
Thought it might be fun to have a thread for the weird things you overhear while out and about.
“I would take serious umbrage at that”
-two nights ago in Soho
“iPod? What’s an iPod?!”
-teenager at security in Heathrow to her parents
Last edited by wileeeeeey; 7th February 2023 at 10:19. Reason: Tapatalk doesn’t like quotation marks
Fab idea!
One that's always stuck with me from a few years ago now: "Shaquille! Stop pulling Jordan's hair!!"
Last edited by gcleminson; 7th February 2023 at 10:06.
Overheard in a pub a few weeks ago when having lunch in a pub - Those right wing remoaning gammons gets on my tits.
Another one a couple of months ago
That b*****d really f****d up my central heating, really bad plumbership.
Heard at a concert a few years ago - that band are bloody brilliant, they sound as good as a record.
Two girls talking in the office and didn’t know I was there:
Girl 1: The lad I sh*gged on Saturday night had the biggest c*ck I’ve ever seen. I was struggling to get it in.
Girl 2: Did you not have any vaseline?
Girl 1: No, I was in the alley behind the pub.
Getting breakfast in Gatwick airport a few years ago, heard from a table behind me, “could we get our food quickly please, we’re going on our holidays & have to get a plane”…
From my farcebook a few years ago:
"The American Couple on the Verge of Divorce"
I observed this delightful vignette this morning as I battled through the crowd of tourists clogging Valletta city gate (why do I always pick places to live that suffer tourist infection?)
There must have been a cruise ship in port as great hordes of pale lardy specimens armed with large cameras and "bum bags" were gathered around harassed looking individuals holding up coloured wooden lollipops. I deduced from the whining accent with which most of them were afflicted that they were Americans.
As I elbowed through the sea of bodies I looked up when one whine sounded loud above the rest: "You'll just have to carry him!" It came out of a mouth resembling a round, flabby, dilated arsehole. The mouth in turn was attached to a body that had clearly enjoyed more than its share of equally round dunkin' do'nuts. Arsehole/do'nut was addressing its similarly arsehole/do'nut like female counterpart, who was struggling with a particularly savage and recalcitrant toddler. Female arsehole/do'nut: "but I want to take pictures and I can't if I carry him". Male arsehole/do'nut: "well you'll just have to carry him anyway. There isn't time for pictures." Female arsehole/do'nut: "when we get home I WILL tell my counsellor that you still aren't dealing with those issues".
I have to confess folks, at that moment I smiled a wide, broad, and definitely not arsehole or do'nut shaped grin!
So sad to hear the Americans have discovered Valletta Adrian
I remember a gross one from the late 90`s. A young woman was telling some young man about how another woman they both knew had one flap bigger than the other lol.....
Bregrets now besetting even those formerly convinced ´Britain better for Brexit´ bacon hued dreamers?Originally Posted by Mick P
lolz.
Certainly one of my favourites was while walking past a pub here in Queensland Australia before a state of origin match (widely supported annual Queensland vs New South Wales 3game Rugby League clash) a guy walks out on the phone and all I hear is
"He what....he supports New South Wales....that's just un-Australian!!
Superb as I'm certain the irony of the statement would have been completely lost on the lad.
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American tourists admiring Edinburgh Castle: “They built it right in the city centre next to the station”
That's the winner
Elderly well to do lady talking to the postman.
“If You have anything big stick it in My puss flap”
An American next to me on a flight from Paris to NY. I was at Uni in France, flying to see my parents and sister who lived in Manhattan.
Flying business on a complimentary ticket too, so nibbles and a drink before lunch. Therefore, small talk with the guy next to me:
Me: "How long did you stay in Paris?"
Pearl #1 Him: "Just a couple of days. Loved it. Saw everything there was to see"
Me, smiling: "So you had a good time, then?"
Pearl #2 Him: "Oh yeah, it's nice. But the people... You know, they can't even speak English!"
'Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain' - Schiller.
I overheard 2 young employees in Aldi a couple of years ago:
"Her parents are very religious so they don't believe in Adultery"
Two ginormous American teenagers walking across the concourse of Copenhagen main station, each with a portion of fries in hand.
"Mayonnaise on chips - how fattening is that?"
In the Sotadic Zone, apparently.
When on a holiday in Italy with the septic side of the family there was a recurrent complaint that the Pizza wasn´t right!
And at every single meal out the MiL, or one of them would bemoan the lack of forethought to bring along a basic language guide to eliminate some of the sense of adventure when it came to ordering food...final day the MiL reaches into the hand bag she´s carried throughout the trip and pulls out a mini English-Italian guide...Oy Vey.
Upon arrival at the big old Tuscan house they´d booked for the first leg, the wife and I were deputised to pop next door to where the owner lived in order to ask for advice, help on how to turn on the heating, the rest of them had sat for several hours shivering...when asked but why didn´t one of you, 6 adults, just pop next door for help ´´oh well you live in Europe´´ the unsaid but inherent presumption was we´d have some Italian language in our repertoire...sure, we went next door and mimed shivering the land lady was most helpful. what can you do.
Surely you're safe on IoM [ I know SPILA was a while ago, but you weren't around in the Victorian era. (o; ] ? I do like your "arsehole/do'nut" wording, nicely descriptive. [I'm assuming this was your FB post you posted above.].
P.S. Sorry, I have no examples to add, I block out other folks' drivel.
On holiday last December in Mexico.
Yank: I hate Europe
Brit: Where have you been?
Yank: I haven’t, I prefer America
Brit: Apart from your state where’s the best place in America?
Yank: long pause thinking.
Yank: Disney World.
Myself and fellow Brit raise our glasses at the pool bar and crack a smile.
We came off a cruise ship in St George's in the Caribbean and jumped into a bus for a conducted tour. We had an American passenger who tried to convince us that cricket was a British copy of Baseball.
Many moons ago we were at Bramall Lane, Sheffield, watching the Blades against Charlton (I think) for a mid-week fixture.
It was a terrible game, but we did get a pie (with lashings of Henderson's Relish) & a pint in with the price of the ticket.
The tedium was broken by the young American chap one row in front who boasted to his friend that he knew the rules of soccer very well.
After a bad tackle in the centre circle he jumped to his feet & yelled at the top of his voice ... ' PENALTY ! '
Oh, how we all laughed...
z
Sailing in the Caribbean doing my bareboat chartering and day skipper ASA courses. Me and a mate and an american couple we didn't know.
American bloke had sailed a bit and let everyone know it ( still messed up his exams a fair old bit)
Bloke: You know that famous song Brown Eyed Girl ? That's actually all about this area ( the BVI).
Mick Jagger and the Stones were over here just hanging out like hippies before they were famous and Mick had an affair with a local girl ,
the lyric that goes " Do you remember when?" is actually " Do you remember WEN"
WEN was the name of the local ferry that Mick used to get to get across to the island where his girl was staying.
When they broke up he couldn't bear to stay here any longer so he left and formed the Stones and the rest is history.
Me: Van Morrison.
Bloke: what ?
Me: Van Morrison wrote Brown Eyed Girl not the Stones.
Bloke: [silence]
Watching the 2006 World Cup in a pub in London , Mate's sister is in Germany and calls him up.
"Hey if you like I can tell you the results from here and you can put a bet on as we are two hours ahead of you "
Swear to god she was serious.
Coincidentally - just two days ago, a 69yr-old couple i know in Ashby de la Zouche told me (verbatim):
Nice walk along Ashby canal.
Just sitting on a bench to take in the view and the sun.
Along comes a man who says “Afternoon. See they have closed of the car park to stop the queer boys coming in and masturbating. Enjoy your walk”
Last edited by blackal; 7th February 2023 at 19:56.
Not overheard - worked for a consultancy who put me and a few other fresh recruits on a project for BNFL up in Cumbria. New CEO visits moaning about how far it was from anywhere “why the hell would they build anything here” - er because it’s a nuclear power plant….
I heard this 10 years ago in the pub, sadly now closed.
Woman that ran a B&B, who lived a couple of houses up from the pub "Some dirty bastard last night pissed in my back passage"
She actually meant the passage way at the back of her house.
Beer spat out.
Last edited by Nogbad The Bad; 7th February 2023 at 20:01.
Many years ago in a small specialist jazz records store off Oxford Street:
"Have you got any Jack Teagarden recordings"
"Hmmm!!?? ... You could try our miskellaneous section!"
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
I was in our New York office in 2000, listening to an American colleague sitting across the desk from me being invited to a wedding in Wales. She was thrilled, and as soon as she put the phone down, she picked it up and dialled another number.
"You'll never guess where I'm going!!"
(pause)
"Wales, England!"
A particular joy for me because she'd unwittingly repeated an old Young Ones joke.
I've posted this previously but it's worth another airing:
"Dunk, I went to an antique fair on Sunday and found a real silver spoon for 50p... it's hallmarked!"
"What hallmark is it Tina?"
"Dunk, it's engraved E P N S!!"
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
I fear I may be adding to the Stuff-Americans-Say-We-Find-Funny list (I'd welcome the converse thread… Brits trying to pronounce Arkansas or looking for the White House in Washington State, etc) but here are mine anyway…
Singapore Night Safari, on the open air train ride that takes you slowly around the zoo. We observe a magnificent bird, perched upon a branch, idly watching the train trundle by. Behind me, a young boy asks his father “Gee pa, how’d they get that bird there?”. The confident response from his worldly father “They nail its claws to the branch, son”. Some whimpering heard from a child in another carriage.
My favourite though was this simple one, which seemed to encompass something about our exceptional, guileless and ever-optimistic cousins. International airport somewhere in Asia. A lady walks confidently up to a desk. “Hi! I'm an American!”. (The first word taking at least two syllables). Her confident poise, broad smile and wide eyes are followed by an expectant pause. This elicits not even a glimmer of congratulation. Surprised but buoyantly undeterred, she comes to the point of this epic and groundbreaking summit of first and third worlds: “Where is the bathroom?”
Two people chatting in the back of my cab, talking about the death rate of covid. One of them pipes up with this gem “soon there will be more dead people in this world than living”
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Years ago when I visited the US HQ of my then employer and was a smoker at the time, I received some strange looks when I announced to colleagues nearby that I was 'just popping out to smoke a fag'.
I believe the initial fear was that I had announced that I was heading outside to shoot dead a homosexual.
Last edited by ryanb741; 8th February 2023 at 08:38.
This thread reminds me of this song:
https://youtu.be/OxQ8NKzkb24
Overheard in a Bar in Maine, the waitress was chatting with customers at the next table, ''He's kinda like my boyfriend, but He's really my Uncle''.
My husband used to do it for me but now I get a man in!
Years ago, but cannot forget:
- Gerrover ere or I’ll break your arm -
Mother to child (approx 3yrs) in Kwik-Save, Stockport.
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There is a (locally) famous monthly rag in Nottingham called The Left Lion, and they always have a page of Overheard in Nottingham.
Some of it is genius.
Probably online somewhere - think they once put them all in a book.
Nottingham is full of mad-heads
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I was on a training course down in Essex, staying in a hotel with pub attached near Bas Vegas.
I was supping a pint near the bar when a Scottish family came in, I can only assume it was their first time outside of Scotland
"....... and a pint of Irn Bru"
"Sorry sir, we dont have Irn bru"
"Nay draft Irn Bru? Well i'll have a can then"
"No sorry sir, we don't sell Irn Bru at all"
"No Irn Bru? What sorta place is this?" over his shoulder to his wife "Can you believe a pub that doesn't have Irn Bru!"
The look of disbelief and disgust on his face had me chuckling
I was enjoying a coffee with with my wife in a very nice cafe with a terrace overlooking Gloucester cathedral…. Some younguns with broad West Country accents were talking loudly on the next table…
“It makes a huge difference what time of year you’re born…. I know people born in winter who have all sorts of of problems…. Drug addiction…. Depression
Now, my sister was born in August and she’s totally care free”
The other younguns nodded and made noises to indicate their agreement in her sage words….
It was her total conviction in what she was saying, along with her comedic accent that just finished me off
Last edited by Wolfie; 9th February 2023 at 00:22.
A "told to me" rather than actually overheard...anyway, a chap is looking after his elderly aunt who is visiting from USA. They're driving down a main road in Glasgow, they approach a pelican crossing which is at red and crossing "beeps" are blaring. "What's that noise?" asks the aunt. "It's for blind people" the chap replies. A prolonged silence ensues, after which the aunt pipes up "you know, in America we don't let blind people drive"!
A
At our place a few seasons ago, A guns wife had brought their spaniel and was picking up for her husband.
He’d pricked a pheasant that has landed in a big patch of brambles.
On sending said spaniel after the drive she loudly asked
“ Darling, how far in is your cock?”
How we tittered😂
Or the American tourists asking, “what time does the one o’clock gun go off!”
“Eh, one o’clock!”
Mother to young daughter (apocryphal)
“Oh no! They’ve sold out of avocados, we’ll have to go to Lidl”
“what’s Lidl?”
“It’s a bit like Waitrose for poor people”
100% true
venue/era: local convenience store, 1970s
dramatis personae: well known posh lady and the local sweep - the latter black from head to toe
Lady- "I say, are you a chimney sweep?"
Sweep ( a bit of a character) - " No Madam, I'm a piano tuner and I'm doing the black notes today!"
BNFL...old school😉
My first job, just before computers became ubiquitous, a fellow grad trainee, an attractive young female, was asked to do a bit of work by the senior parter.
She asked, "Shall I do it on the computer?
He relied, "No, I'd prefer a hand job."
I bet you would mate, me and all!
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This thread reads like a "let's bash the Yanks - they're thick as bricks!" fest.
I'm not surprised.
My memory cells forget about the thousands of sane, erudite, friendly Americans we encountered when holidaying in their patch, but recall with chilling accuracy a remark heard when I was visiting the Welland Canal that bypasses Niagra Falls.
A coachload of white-sneaker-wearing pink-rinsed women of a certain age disgorged itself in the viewing area. Their accents suggested to me the deep south, Georgia maybe, or Florida. Their remarks led me to believe they could have been from Arkansas.
They were fascinated by the sight of thousand upon thousand of gulls, attracted by the swirling water entering the lock chamber as it filled. It bears rich feeding grounds, either displaced fish or possibly cast-off fast food, though I must say that the cleanliness over there puts the UK to shame.
As the birds swooped Hitchcockesquely like a giant white murmuration, an elderly turned-up-to-eleven female voice boomed out " I haven't seen pigeons do that before!".
If I may be allowed an attempt at phonetic spelling - " Ah aiunt nayever sooween piergyons dowaa thayut beyfouwer"
Immediately brought to my mind: Sheriff JW Pepper (from Roger's 007 movies). I might be a few states off, mind.
You may indeed as he was from Louisiana but still, I had the same in mind, boy.Immediately brought to my mind: Sheriff JW Pepper (from Roger's 007 movies). I might be a few states off, mind.
'Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain' - Schiller.
I wasn’t present, but my next door neighbour called his wife in a panic from the airport having forgotten his passport. She drove there like Senna. On handing it over he asked why the hell she had brought his old out of date passport. She replied that she preferred the photo.
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