There is a lot of information out there, but I'm looking for personal experiences from those who have unfortunately had to move a relative to a care home.
My only advice is Covid related - if it’s at all possible I would delay until vaccination of the vulnerable is pretty much complete for a few reasons. Care home cases have spiked again, it’s always better to visit places to see which are nice and currently that’s not possible.
Thanks Rusty.
Very good point indeed.
I was responsible for aged Aunt Dorothy's 14 years of care following her initial strokes in 1992. After experiencing all the shortcomings and dishonesties of live-in carers for 3 years (I could write a book on the subject) I eventually persuaded Aunt Dorothy (following more strokes and paralysis) to move into residential care ... where she was 'looked after' for 11 years. She was so stubborn and did not want to move out of her own home ... but the 'care' agency staff were insisting she needed two full time carers i.e 24/7 which would have more doubled the cost of home care. The care agency ... a well known Norfolk based agency ... arranged carers to be sent from all over the UK to my aunt's home in Southgate N London ... thus the family had to pay carers' travelling costs from e.g. Edinburgh ... plus taxis from KX to Southgate in addition to weekly 24/7 care fees . During the 3 years 'at home' care period, many of my aunt's valuables disappeared ... and the care agency denied all responsibility for the losses. I was travelling to my aunt's home at least twice weekly to try and sort out frequent emergencies ... and to personally supervise shopping and prevent carers using taxis and hire cars to take wheelchaired Dorothy to e.g. Asda and Sainsbury ... where the 'carers' used to help themselves to bottles of wine and drop same into the trolley expecting my aunt to pay for their booze .. and taxi drivers were asked by carers to 'wait' with the meter running! There were several alcoholic carers sent who were working in 'jobs of last resort' ... the care agency took on anyone. I remember one alcoholic 'home carer' who greeted me for the first time wearing her nurse's uniform ... a few days later my aunt's neighbour phoned me to advise the same carer was drunk and incapable ... so 'could you please drive down and sort out the mess' ... which I did ... with my aunt denying the carer was drunk. Dorothy always 'bonded' with home carers because she relied on them 24/7. Whilst recovering following more strokes in a Finchley NHS 'halfway-house' convalescent home, Aunt Dorothy was assessed by Social Services to determine whether was 'safe' to return to her own home. The assessors recommended residential care instead of own home care. I thus approached my family and we all agreed residential care would be best for Dorothy's welfare ... which would also be several £hundred per week cheaper. The Finchley convalescent home agreed that Dorothy could stay with them until such time as I arranged residential care. I thus started visiting / assessing residential homes in Peterborough (where I live) to try and find a suitable private care home. Aunt Sheelagh in Glasgow, with experience of care homes (she was a retired NHS matron) advised me: "If you smell urine in any nursing homes visited please do not contemplate transferring Dorothy ... stale urine odour is a sure sign of bad management' . Sheelagh was right ... some nursing homes were stinking of stale urine. I eventually chose a modern nursing home less than 10 minutes walk from my own home, signed all the paperwork, and arranged to make Dorothy's private room as comfortable as possible e.g. new TV , personal landline phone, shelves fitted for family photos / personal ornaments, a teddy bear, a radio, and framed prints for the walls. When Barnet Social Services were happy that Dorothy would be well looked after in Peterborough, they were happy to let me transfer her to her new residence ... but she did not want to leave N London. The care home allowed me to take photos and thus show Dorothy her proposed new residence; she eventually and reluctantly agreed to the move. On arrival at the residential care home, the carers on duty made a big fuss of Dorothy and welcomed her ... but Dorothy cried for over a week because she missed her own home so much. I commenced visiting Dorothy every day on my way home from work ... I'd stay for at least 10 minutes every evening ... longer on some evenings and at weekends. Dorothy gradually settled in but it was a long haul. Dorothy had worked as a children's nanny for most of her working life and she considered that all her co-residents were her new children ... she thus enjoyed supervising them using her one mobile arm (her other 3 limbs were paralysed) to persuade them to, "Eat you dinner dear ... go on ... eat it!!" . The care staff thus had a new assistant! Unlike many other residents Dorothy did not have dementia . She really enjoyed helping other residents and talking to them. However, all was not so good as regards care home staff taking advantage and e.g., stealing items from her room, and making phone calls home to the Philippines! Dorothy's personal phone bill was enormous! A gentleman resident in an adjacent room was robbed of over £250 whilst he was asleep at night. A care assistant had broken into his room at 3am in the morning after leaving the window unlocked. The suspected care assistant was interviewed by a police psychologist and deemed to be honest and unlikely to have committed the crime. He was eventually caught after stealing another resident's bank card using the same 'break in' method ... he was identified by security cameras in a store using the card. He also enjoyed bragging about his new mobile phone bought using the stolen card. I joined the home's 'FRIENDS' group whereby I was able to participate in management meetings ... often accompanied by Dorothy ... where I was able to report care shortcomings and make suggestions for improving care facilities. I also helped out with gardening, and, with permission, regularly pushed residents in their wheelchairs around the gardens ... some became close friends especially one younger lady who'd suffered a serious head injury. I wrote a letter to the parish council to try and persuade them to fund a footpath from the nursing home to the nearby new main hospital. There was no direct footpath ... it was just a muddy grass verge and unsuitable for wheelchairs ... thus residents o/p hospital visits required taxis or ambulances even though the hospital was less than ½ mile from the nursing home. A footpath was eventually laid but it took months of persuasion / negotiation and several letters. Speaking with the care home manager, I was advised that staff using Dorothy's phone did not realise they were running up phone charges and that I should forgive them due to their unawareness and 'cultural differences'. Call charges to the Philippines were thus 'written off'. Dorothy's care over 11 years was OK-ish but could have been much better ... Her care required constant monitoring by me e.g. to make sure she was not left sitting on the toilet ... often for for over 30 minutes ... she could not reach the cord to summon assistance. Most of Dorothy's jewellery in her bedside drawers 'disappeared' as did her torches ... she could manage to use a torch at night using her one good arm. I spent a fortune on torches. Dorothy's paralysed arm resulted in a clenched hand which which was not cleaned / washed properly ... her left palm thus had a semi-permanent and malodorous fungal infection . I constantly complained about her poor hand hygiene but care staff were often rushed off their feet and did not attend to her clenched hand. The staff toilet was opposite Dorothy's room door ... her door was kept open ... she liked it open to see what was going on in the corridor. The busy staff used to run into their staff toilet where we could hear everything they were up to including passing urine and farting ... and was very obvious that they did not wash their hands after using the w.c. ... they would run out into the corridor whilst the w.c was still flushing ... and then they would eg commence serving food in the communal dining room ... or serve food to MRSA residents who were confined to their private rooms. MRSA is a problem in most nursing homes and it can be very contagious if not managed and if staff do not wash their hands properly. One MRSA resident somehow became friends with my aunt and commenced visiting my aunt's room and using her towel ! I had to put a stop to her visits and complain to the manager ... vivid memory of the manager's look of disbelief when I mentioned the towel sharing episode. My aunt suffered with asthma and it was a constant battle to make sure that cleaners vacuumed under her bed ... dust mites are the main cause of asthma but some care assistants were ignorant of this fact. Nursing homes are never perfect and efficient care depends on good management ... a care home manager cannot be in every block at the same time ... my aunt's care home had 5 blocks each with c. 30 rooms. One block was for severely demented residents ... another 'secure' block was for the more 'prone to violence' residents ... and those liable to 'go walkies' if given half a chance. The secure block had railings around the building . Odd goings-on were sometimes witnessed e.g. demented residents holding the railings and shouting ... and rolling and shouting / crying on the grass . One blind resident somehow managed to find her way into the kitchen 'after hours' where she managed to lock herself in the cold store / fridge ... luckily she was reported missing and rescued ... she'd done it before. Nursing homes have to cater for all types of disability i.e. both physical and mental. Mental illness / deterioration is a fact of life with dementia; all residents have to cared for and those requiring more care will be witnessed by visitors. I found it difficult coming to terms with some of the types of disability witnessed ... but overall nursing home care was better than the 'own home care' I witnessed in Southgate. If contemplating arranging residential care for a relative be prepared for some shocks when visiting ... you'll likely witness heartbreaking situations. But there are happy times too especially if the management can organise entertainments. My gf used to play piano for the residents; their faces in the communal lounge would 'light up' when she played ... and occasionally mini bus trips were arranged for residents to visit e.g. garden centres and local fetes. The nursing home also organised its own fetes and Christmas and Easter bazaars. Professional entertainers were provided when funds permitted e.g. a clown, choirs, and a male barbershop quartet. My aunt 'lost' three pairs of spectacles and several pairs of false teeth whilst in residential care ... the staff could have been more careful when clearing the communal dining area. Aunt Dorothy died in her own room following futher strokes in 2006; I was with Aunt Dorothy when she died ... a very sad day. None of the family expected Dorothy to live for 14 years following her initial strokes ... she was a very determined lady. The nursing home had shortcomings but I doubt if other homes would have been better.
BW
dunk
Last edited by sundial; 10th January 2021 at 05:21.
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
I was involved in my mother-in-law's move to a residential care home.
She was 87 and living alone when she had a fall. A hip replacement went well but a urinary tract infection did not help her mental state. We had two attempts to get her home with paid for carers but she wasn't safe. She had two more hospital admissions and returning home via a 'halfway house' care home. After the second admission the carers were unhappy to manage her on a two carer, three visit a day basis and full time, live in care was the only alternative to residential care. Financially that would have been very costly but also problematic was the idea of being cooped up with a single carer plus three visits a day from a second carer for the rest of her life. A residential care home offered at least the chance of a ore normal social experience for someone who had been very gregarious.
We found her a home near where we lived and fortunately she agreed at last that going home was not practical, at least at that point in time. So she agreed to give the home a try and we visited 4 or 5 times a week for the next 3 years. During that time she didn't make any physical progression and her mental state did deteriorate. A long time beforehand she had signed an enduring power of attorney but we had not had it registered with the court of protection. When it was clear that she was losing capacity she signed the necessary form for the EPA to be registered - though we asked her several times before he agreed. Being able to manage her finances for her was very helpful because she was unable to sign the monthly cheques for her care, even if she had wanted to.
The staff at the family owned, independent home were very caring and in those pre-covid days we could just drop in any time we wanted. We never felt that there was any untoward behaviour towards my mother-in-law and she was well cared for until her death, just over three years after she moved there.
Practically, it took time for my mother-in-law to accept this next move - including the second failed attempt going home which we knew was unlikely to succeed. Getting the EPA (now called Lasting Power of Attorney) also took time to get - a bit later than ideal but I think it was important that she felt in as much control as she could be for as long as possible.
Probably the single biggest thing for us was that we had confidence in the Home and its staff to provide excellent care. The second was that it was close enough for us to visit regularly.
I don't think that it's ever an easy transition and covid doesn't help, especially as visiting is more difficult at the moment. Hopefully the vaccine will improve matters there over the coming months. I hope all goes well for you OP.
Very similar experience for me with a few difference. I live in the UK, but my mother was living, alone on the family farm, back in the home country. She was fiercely independent but did have support from regular carer visits. My sisters visited her weekly, and I flew in as often as I could, usually every 2-3 months. She has Parkinson's which was deteriorating, meaning she was no longer able to drive, and her closest neighbour had died, which left her even more isolated. About four years ago she was hospitalised with a severe UTI and the hospital refused to discharge her, unless she had 24 hour care. This was after a series of cognitive tests. My sister found a local care home, that we were already familiar with. My mother had used it as a rest home after a prior operation.Originally Posted by JonRA
The first year was very difficult. She really wanted to be back home. Gradually she settled in and after about 18 months admitted she was in the right place. The staff have been fantastic, very friendly and caring. Pre-Covid we could visit anytime we wanted and take her out for day trips or longer stay as we wished. Covid obviously changed that. Last May, the home had an outbreak, my mother tested positive and then two days later slipped and broke her hip. This necessitated an emergency operations. Thankfully she made a full recovery and she was asymptomatic for Covid. My sisters and I were on tenterhooks as we were unable to see her, but so relieved when she recovered.
My advise to the OP is find a care home you feel confident in. Having it near my mother's home also helped as she has a large network of friends who would visit her regularly. Expect the first few years to be difficult. And obviously Covid makes the situation a lot more difficult, so as another poster advised, delay moving her in, if you can.
Not all care homes are the same. You need to research the service quality. This is a start point:
https://www.cqc.org.uk/what-we-do/se...find-care-home
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@dunk - I won’t quote your post due to its length but I commend you for you care and efforts regarding aunt Dorothy.
To the OP - good luck and don’t seek perfection in a care home - it doesn’t exist. But if you are lucky you will find one with truly committed staff who will try their best. And the thing to focus on is that their best is a damn sight better than most families could provide for elderly relatives and therefore do make some allowances when things go wrong. Which they will.
Spoken from someone who’s 92 year old father has been in care home for 5 years and has Parkinson’s, dementia and a myriad of other medical issues.
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My father ended his days in a care home last year, a victim of Covid, and being 95.
The home was very good, with an above average CQC rating, and he had spent a couple of weeks there previously, in respite care, so we were quite happy with them, and felt fortunate to obtain a place for him.
They looked after him well, but the home became infected with Covid, and there was very little chance that the extremely vulnerable inmates would all escape its clutches. They did all that they could, which included going into lockdown in March, but by then it was too late. The very nature of these places means that they have regular visits from specialist care providers, and some staff move between homes, so total protection against something as virulent as Covid was almost impossible, even with the best of practices and intentions.
However. Care homes were used as a means of releasing vulnerable elderly Covid patients from hospital, in order to free up beds, which can't have helped, and most local authority homes were full as a result. I don't know what the situation is now, but this was certainly the case during the early peak of the pandemic in April 2020, and it's likely that many such victims are still in care, unable to return to their own homes, so the chances of having much of a choice in the OP's case (that of his elderly relative, I hasten to add) may be more limited than in normal circumstances, and it might be a case of having to take whatever is offered. Which is far from ideal, for anybody concerned.
As far as costs are concerned, I can only speak from my own recent experience with both of my now-deceased parents, but for self-funding patients the local authority home was charging £815 per week, while a privately-run home was charging £1,400 per week. With additional practices now in force requiring additional cleaning and PPE, along with additional staff requirements, I can only imagine that those prices will have increased.
Although no trees were harmed during the creation of this post, a large number of electrons were greatly inconvenienced.
Done it five times with relatives, Powers of attorney, Probate etc etc.
Too many things to put in a post - if you have questions do so; I can only try to help
B
My mum came out of hospital just before Xmas and it was 50/50 if she went into a care home she didn’t want to and she has 4 visits a day that costs her 2.4K a month, the care agency is crap and we are trying to change it her disabled parking badge has gone missing although we can’t prove anything so major stress as I am an only child having to deal with it all.
Best of luck with your efforts decent elderly care is a minefield
My Mum has carers 3x a day and can only echo comments above - her carers are incompetent, uncaring, dishonest and lazy. By the sounds of things, not very different in a home.
No doubt decent versions exist but it’s largely a lottery.
Thank you all for your posts and those who have PM'd.
Already, the personal experiences on this thread have improved my plans.
I have been on crisis calls since 9am and am finally going to get a chance to fully digest what has been posted here.
Thanks again. I'm finding this difficult.
Your inbox is also full, AO.
Many thanks, catch. Have cleared. Your thoughts have been particularly welcome.
Have sent you a message just now AO.
Thank you J, so kind and useful - my list of actions is a lot more focused now.
I will be returning to this thread to digest all the posts so forgive me if I haven't thanked you all yet.
Not all residential care homes are 'second rate'. The quality of care can vary in any one home from year to year ... they're all subject to regular inspections ... and care staff can be transiently employed i.e drifting from one job to another and some work for agencies. The more dedicated care workers have NVQs but qualifications are not mandatory.
Residents in care homes may be entitled to a 'local authority paid' personal care allowance to assist with costs of e.g. assisted bathing / toileting ... my aunt received same even though she was not a Peterborough resident (she relocated from London to Peterborough) and she did not qualify for any fees subsidies/allowances; the local authority paid personal care allowance was not means tested; it was deemed an entitlement and based on a resident's mobility and ability to e.g. bathe themselves. She also qualified for a complimentary wheelchair and she continued to receive state £benefits and her attendance allowance. All actual nursing home care fees were paid by my aunt; her assets were such that she did not qualify for local authority care but there were local people in her nursing home whose fees were funded / subsidised by the local authority. They paid considerably less fees than my aunt because the local authority in effect received 'discounts'; I was of the opinion that my aunt's fees subsidised other residents' care ... because they all received the same type of care regardless of their personal £means. Choosing / selecting a care home can be difficult but thorough research could lessen the risk of choosing those in the 'below average' category. Following my aunt's move to Peterborough I regularly visited other nursing homes where a disabled friend was regularly sent for respite care ... he was also occasionally sent to my aunt's care home for respite care if the home had temporary capacity. Some of other nursing homes where my friend was sent were bloody awful i.e. very smelly ... stale urine odour is difficult to remedy. IMO nursing homes should not be 'carpeted'. Having visited so many nursing homes I hope I never end up in residential care. I now pay attention to diet and regular exercise and have vowed to quit my daily bottle of cider ... for fear it might increase stroke risk. I quit smoking over 30 years ago and consider that quitting was my finest achievement .. I was a 40 to 60 per day smoker. There is a high incidence of chronic emphysema sufferers in nursing homes / residential care. i made many friends when visiting nursing homes ... both the residents and their families .. and over 10 years lost count of the number of funerals I attended. Deceased residents' families are still friends. When my aunt died several care home staff attended her funeral. One of the carers was an unpaid volunteer and she accompanied my aunt to a 'This Is Your Life' presentation in Leicester ... my aunt had worked as a nanny for the celebrity ... the volunteer was also a tailoress and she made a suit for my aunt for her to wear at the presentation. The 'This is Your Life' producers sent a limousine to the nursing home to collect my aunt and her carer ... but unfortunately my aunt's contribution was 'edited out' even though she'd known the celebrity for over 60 years. All 'This Is Your Life' programmes are edited versions of 2 to 3 hour events.
Last edited by sundial; 10th January 2021 at 15:48.
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
Thank you for such a detailed reply. It is allowing me to build a list of questions and requirements. It's such a difficult time that literally all personal experiences are incredibly useful, whether it's what has gone right, or wrong.
I'm very interested in the live-in carer aspect as I had assumed they were all DBS checked and recommended. I am using the CQC link that qaz provided (many thanks qaz) in an effort to ensure a certain standard. Whether it will or not remains to be seen but thanks to you I shall ask some difficult questions.
Thank you both, I will be sharing your posts in their entirety with my family.
Thanks Dan I will let the others know that too. It will help to keep everyone's blood pressure lower if we try not to find perfection.
Thanks BP.
It's so difficult to hear these stories yet so good to hear that you were at least able to exert a measure of control of the quality of the provider. It seems the CQC acts as a regulator of sorts which is positive.
Costs are the elephant in the room at the moment but one which I think we will need to be addressing quickly.
Thank you Brian I'll do that.
I'm beginning to realise this. Sorry to hear you're the only one dealing with things. Hopefully I'll be up to speed soon and I can help you.
Oh, that's not good. I'll be emphasising this with any service supplier - appreciate the note.
This seems to be a significant issue so I'll be doing my best to check the standards are kept to. I can imagine that's not easy.
There are several issues I have on a list now thanks to this thread which I can follow up - appreciate the detailed post sundial, I shall be sharing your experiences.
Timely thread AlphaOmega; I wish you well. My sister and I are currently looking at nursing homes for our father who is 85 and suffering with Parkinson's, early stage Dementia and a spinal fracture due to Osteoporosis and having been completely inactive for almost 30 years since he retired aged 58. We bought a house for him close to my sister in May and got care, meals delivered etc. However, it's just not enough and on bad days he needs 24/7 care. On good days, such as today, he was lucid and I could have a coherent conversation. Thankfully there are good nursing/care home options available locally and this is imminent........heart-breaking but imminent.
^So sorry, Skier. I hope you and your sister are able to find solace in the positive aspects of the difficult decisions you have to take.
I am having trouble processing the speed of events. One way of dealing with this is that I have been imagining how the 40-year old, confident, articulate and empathetic man would assess his current situation at nearly 80. This has helped but we are just at the start of the journey.
My sister and I had joint POA's in place a few years before our parents needed care, firstly at home, and subsequently with Dad in the care home. The actual "conversation" about putting POA's in place isn't necessarily the easiest thing that you'll ever have to do, but in the long run it eases the burden on elderly people who might not feel confident or able to deal with the medical or social care specialists who will become involved with them in later life, when they are at their least confident and most vulnerable.
We had several meetings with the chap from the local authority who did the financial assessments to decide on liability for care costs. These meetings will be repeated whenever financial circumstances change, and the local authority's powers to obtain funding are wide-ranging, and inescapable. As my mother passed away first, and she and dad had made "mirror" wills, each leaving the bulk of their estate to the survivor, we were essentially stuffed, and dad's full costs became payable from the date of my mother's death, on the basis that he inherited her estate.
As the saying goes, the only certainties in life are death, and taxes. At least we had the comfort of knowing that dad was well cared for.
Local authorities are, I believe without exception, running well in excess of budgets for Adult Social Care, so they are very keen to make sure that where the patient is liable for their care costs, they will pay them. In some cases this may involve a legal charge over the former residence if there is no cash available to pay the care costs monthly, so the authority recover their costs when the residential property is sold.
I believe that there is a threshold to ensure that the full value of an estate is not swallowed up by care costs, but this is something that you would need to investigate. £1,400 or even £815 per week can swallow up a lot of cash in a short time frame though.
As I said earlier, my experiences are from a couple of years ago, so things may have changed with Covid. Your best course of action, if you can, is to put POA's in place, and try to speak to the local council's Adult Social Services department.
Although no trees were harmed during the creation of this post, a large number of electrons were greatly inconvenienced.
^Thanks BP. I believe the appropriate POAs are in place. But the other aspects are galvanising.
My reaction to your post reminds me of the story about Churchill who was dismayed to find that the funding for research at Bletchley Park was being withheld.
He sent a memo that said 'action this day' - telling his direct report to see that funding was released and to confirm directly that it had been done.
I'll be discussing this one at 9.01am tomorrow.
This is such a difficult subject.
The easy bit is making sure the practical things are done, make sure your relative has made a will and that you have POA for both financial and health.
If the relative has moments of clarity try and discuss the situation with them (and to anyone else who haven't got to this point yet then have the difficult 'end of life' discussions, you will be very glad you did when you need to make decisions later).
I don't know your situation but right now a Care Home would be my decision of last resort. My Dad was 90 and had dementia and up until March last year we were supporting him to live at home. He got an infection in his foot, was admitted to hospital, contracted Covid and died in the hospital on the 8th April.
I was shielding due to a medical condition and was unable to visit him, he had a 'respect' funeral with no one present and now after nearly a year I still haven't been able to organise a memorial lunch for our extended family.
If you can see this crisis out I would try and find a way of doing it as if your relative goes into residential care you will probably not be seeing them for quite a while, (and care homes are not the safest places right now.)
If you have a close relationship with them this could be very distressing.
I would normally say it would be very important to visit any home and have a good walk round and see how it 'feels' do the residents look as if they have purpose and and are as active as they are able? Is there a full program of activities etc?
Unfortunately none of this is probably possible right now so speak to Social Workers, Care providers, your relatives Doctor. Doctors often have care homes on their patch and know them well.
My thoughts are very much with you and by the very fact that you have started this thread shows that you have their best interests at heart. and I am sure you and your sister will come to the right decision.
On the subject of 'live-in carers' ... Beware of their sob stories and shortcomings:
On the Friday 'changeover' day, the new carer had just arrived before I myself turned up at my aunt's house. The new lady carer was giving my aunt a sob story regarding an alleged theft of her handbag and claiming that because she had no money she was unable to send the planned birthday flowers to her mother ... she was thus attempting to persuade my aunt to buy the flowers using my aunt's bank card . I managed to put a stop to the carer's 'persuasion'.
On another occasion I learnt after checking my aunt's bank statements that one regular carer was drawing her wages in cash from my aunt's bank after persuading my aunt to phone the bank and arrange the withdrawal. I had an enduring Power of Attorney and was thus able to obtain a tape recording of my aunt requesting the withdrawal ... the recording clearly also recorded the carer's prompting in the background ... HSBC record all such telephone conversations and my POA enabled me to obtain a cassette tape of same from the bank. The reason the carer wanted cash was that in effect she was self-employed even though she worked through the care agency; by drawing cash there was no record of a cheque going through her bank account and thus no tax liability. The agency billed my aunt separately for the agency fees. The carer always claimed she needed 'cash' because she had a disabled son ... " ... because of my disabled son you know ... very disabled is my son!" My aged aunt had her marbles but would fall for such sob stories ... the cash withdrawals had thus escalated. The agency denied it was happening and disclaimed responsibility. I reported the carer and the agency to Gt Yarmouth Inland Revenue ... Inland Revenue was already aware of 'strange goings on' with the agency staff and was already investigating. The agency is still operating ... there are not that many in Norwich.
On another occasion a lady carer turned up and asked if her bf could come and stay and 'help out' .. "Yes my dear that would be lovely " said my aunt. The bf arrived and I witnessed (heard ) their regular 'bonking' upstairs ... and the carer asking him to "please come to bed Martin!!" when I was about to depart back to P'bor late evening . And there were more sob stories ... carer claimed she had cancer and somehow persuaded my aunt to buy her a cheap 'old banger' car ... I found out when I saw the bank statement ... and when my aunt's neighbour mentioned the car purchase to me ... from memory it was a few £hundred. The care agency refused to take responsibility for the carer's ££extortion. The carer subsequently phoned me at home and asked whey she had not been appointed to look after my aunt again ... I mentioned the extortion and car purchase ... the car had been for use by her bf ... she denied it had happened even though she'd boasted to my aunt's neighbour about the car being gifted to her by my aunt.
My aunt's house had two toilets ... one upstairs and one downstairs. One of the booze loving carers had badly soiled the upstairs toilet and left it ... dried poo all over the pan . I did not say anything ... thinking that before I left to drive home (after taking my aunt shopping and making sure the carer slipped no 'bottles' into the trolley) the carer would have cleaned the w.c. . She made no attempt at cleaning so I cleaned it myself and mentioned the very soiled w.c. to her. The w.c. was a separate '"small room" next to the bathroom. The carer's reaction to my cleaning was: "Ohhh!!! I didn't know you had TWO toilets ... I only use the downstairs!"
On another occasion I arrived on a Saturday and was greeted by the new male carer ... he'd arrived the day before. I went into the kitchen and found a saucepan full of mouldy cold stew sitting on the worktop; it had likely been sitting there for several days. Bear in mind my aunt was in a wheelchair and could not access the kitchen herself ... so she was unaware of e.g. unwashed pots and pans. I showed the mouldy saucepan to the carer and asked why he had not cleaned it. His excuse was that the previous carer had left it so it was not his responsibility! He also requested that I should treat him with ," ... more respect ... I want respect!" I complained to the agency ... they denied responsibility but as a 'gesture of goodwill' said they would not charge the agency fee for that week. I mentioned to the carer that he had to earn my respect. He was not rebooked.
Another lady carer persuaded my aunt to let her partner decorate the small bedroom ... used by the carers . He stayed on several occasions and persuaded my aunt to let him choose and take my late uncle's tools ... stored in the garden shed . I put a stop to that ... and to his FOC bed and breakfasting . He'd also overcharged for the decorating. I complained to the agency again ... the carer did not come back again.
On another occasion i received a phone call from my aunt advising that there had been a mix up and that the agency had sent two carers ... the agency had not ... one carer had muddled up her dates and had travelled all the way from Edinburgh ... she was not due to commence her assignment until two weeks later! When I arrived after driving from P'bor it became quite obvious that the 'extra' carer had serious memory problems ... she was confused, tearful, and her short term memory was very lacking. She showed all the signs of dementia ... she repeatedly asked the same questions ... and promptly forgot the answers. i phoned the agency and requested that she should not be assigned to look after my aunt again ... the carer was actually quite elderly and on previous assignments had acted very strangely. i had to give her cash for the fare back home to Edinburgh ... she did not have a return ticket . She was a retired former freelance percussionist and had performed regularly with a London orchestra ... one of her regular topics of conversation was how she'd " ... put Andre Previn in his place when he misread the score and pointed his baton at me far too soon ... !!" ... she repeated the same story several times . She was not fit to be a carer and I doubt if she'd ever been interviewed by the agency.
i used to turn up regularly to take my aunt and her appointed (by the agency) carer shopping . My aunt's collapsible wheelchair fitted into my car boot and I could lift and manoeuvre my aunt into the front car seat by myself. The carer sat on the rear seat.
On another occasion we set off shopping via the local Post Office ... we needed postage stamps ... I parked the car and wanted to talk to my aunt 'in private' ... so asked the new carer if she could please walk across the road and buy the stamps. She (the carer) replied that she could not walk that far ... because she had a mobility problem. I bought the stamps myself and we drove to Sainsbury ... where the 'carer' opted to stay in the car whilst i and my aunt shopped using a special wheelchair trolley . When we arrived back at my aunt's house, it was very noticeable that the carer had great difficulty in climbing the front garden steps. She was employed to assist my aunt with personal care e.g. toileting and bathing ... in addition to basic cooking / housework including vacuuming . She was hopeless and semi-disabled ... another case of a carer not being assessed. I requested the agency that she should not be booked to look after my aunt again.
When family valuables started disappearing (includng a collection of 18th C coloured glassware) I decided to box what was left and store them in the loft.
i could go on and on and relate other agency and carer shortcomings . I wanted to use another agency but my aunt refused to change ... she had formed a very friendly telephone relationship with the care agency staff ie those who actually book the carers. Aunt Dorothy had 'bonded' with 'her' agency ... and she would not consider changing.
Suffice to say that often carers appeared to me to be outright opportunist scroungers and confidence tricksters .. who are very skilled at exploiting their vulnerable quarry.
Beware of carers with alcohol problems or suspected drink habits ... those who drink are skilled at hiding their addictions ... check the bins for bottles ... open any bags in the bins. Beware of carers who smoke ... my aunt's agency was requested to not send smokers ... one lounge chair ended up stinking of tobacco smoke and had several cigarette burns. Cigarettes are a fire risk and my aunt's home insurance policy had a 'non-smoking household' declaration.
Beware of care agencies' sending 'in jobs of last resort' carers who have no or little experience ... care staff are in short supply and some agencies will take on anyone ... it's a lucrative business.
Don't believe all the self-praise on care agencies' websites ... they all say they're the most experienced etc etc ... Well they would say that wouldn't they!!
dunk
Last edited by sundial; 11th January 2021 at 11:20. Reason: additional info.
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
Just to add a little balance to the thread, there are good ones out there.
My wife has worked in care most of her life, over 25 yrs in learning disability homes, care homes and NHS hospital wards. The last care home she worked in she said was the best she'd ever seen, clean, nice facilities and excellent carers, for the most part. My wife was one of the good ones, going over and above in looking after people, doing nails and hair, using all the residents potions and lotion instead of just the basic wash etc etc.
Unfortunately, it's a minimum wage job and 25 years has taken a toll on her back, so she quit care to take a less physically and mentally demanding minimum wage job. Everyone bangs on about how poor nurses are so badly paid, when nowadays they're not, it's the care assistants who are, and who do most of the jobs that were traditionally done by nurses.
Absolutely. The HCA’s are being asked to pick up more and more responsibility, whilst effectively remaining on a minimum wage; similar to Police Community Support Officers.
It’s a race to the bottom, in areas where you would think an increase in professionalism and experience would be the aim.
It's just a matter of time...
Thanks Kevin. Having the discussion with him is actually proving a challenge but I will continue to use diplomacy and tact.
Very sorry to hear about your Dad. It's awful and no amount of positive thinking can really improve matters. Planning helps as a distraction.
Appreciate the warning, dunk. I'll be sharing your stories so we can ask the appropriate questions - additional stress is something we most certainly need to avoid.
Brighty, it's good to hear a balance. Even on this thread there have been very different experiences so I appreciate your post as it allows me to build up a picture from those on the forum I know rather than random people on Google.
Omegamanic, I'm beginning to realise that. Hopefully I can use this information to be more adept at choosing the right support.
Dunk’s posts on this thread were a real eye-opener. And if you don’t mind me saying so, kudos to you Sir for dealing with this difficult situation.
My wife was an agency carer when I met her, some of the tales she came back with were heartbreaking, in the end she moved onto the local councils night care team (one of the few in the country) as she became so disillusioned with some of her co-workers and eventually went to university to get her nursing pin.
I am thankful that both my parents didn't 'linger'. While my dad was very ill for many years he was able to self care right up until the end when a broken hip and a hospital visit finished him off and my mother literally dropped dead in the street one evening. Both were incredibly independent and while I was devastated by the suddenness of both their passing, in retrospect, I am glad for their sakes they didn't suffer the indignity of diminished capacity.
All I can say is that there are good carers out there so when you find them hang on to them as long as you can and good luck to the OP in his search.
We have to consider our family duties and Aunt Dorothy was not the only aged relative requiring care assistance ... Uncle Tom also required considerable financial help after he'd spent most of his life savings on his own and his demented wife's (Aunt Constance's) home care and home nursing fees. Aunt Constance died after years of disability /immobility requiring several visits daily by care assistants. Tom had no money left for his own care and was about to arrange an annuity funded by his house ... i.e sign the house over to an insurance company / annuity provider in exchange for an annual pension. Investigations / quotes showed that most schemes benefitted the annuity companies more than the beneficiaries ... they were 'rip-offs' and my elderly uncle aged 90 years realised he'd likely lose the house for an anticipated relatively small annual pension plus his funeral costs. We thus arranged an interest free 'family loan' from wealthy Aunt Dorothy ... repayable on death of either Dorothy or Tom. I drew up the loan document and had it checked by Tom's solicitor who approved same. Tom died first and his loan was repaid to Dorothy from his estate. Tom's house was sold and proceeds distributed to the beneficiaries in accordance with his will. One of the beneficiaries was Dorothy ... so her savings were topped up ... thus securing payment of her future 10 years residential nursing home fees. Had Tom arranged the annuity the house would have been possessed by the annuity company. The old adage, "Get the strength of the insurance companies around you!" should be read with a pinch of salt when you're elderly ... insurance companies have to make profits. The other old adage, "Charity begins at home' was the more sensible option.
dunk
Last edited by sundial; 12th January 2021 at 11:40. Reason: typo
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
Some great responses already.
I'd not describe it as a lottery, as that suggests the whole process is pure luck. The reality is you have to maximise the odds of success by doing the research.
We looked at a lot of places for my late father in law and ultimately the place he went to just felt right. It is fair to say that CQC ratings correlated pretty closely with our own instincts on a number of places, but not always. My normal advice would be to go and see a cross section of places and get a feeling for them by being there and observing. Not only do homes vary but the quality of individual room can vary a lot from one place to another. It's quite common for someone to take any room just to get into a home they like and then ask to be given preferential treatment to move room if a nicer one becomes available.
Generally, the nicer homes are the hardest to get into and if there is a room, you have to act fast. You will also quickly see some homes that will make you feel sad and come away thinking that you couldn't ask a loved one to move there.
Good luck, it is an emotionally draining experience in which you have to remind yourself you can only do your best.
I am in the middle of this exact situation right now with my 96 year old mum.
She had another fall a couple of weeks before Christmas and was taken into hospital and ended up staying there for a week. She was diagnosed early stage dementia about 3 years ago and since then has had several falls in her bungalow. She has a key safe and a pendant alarm but on two occasions she had bolted the front door and we had to get the police to break the door down.
Mum is very independent and I had great difficulty in getting her to agree to carers twice a day.
Anyway, she was told in hospital that she could go home and they considered her to be capable of this.
Mum cannot settle at night and thinks there are little people living under her bed!
Although I only have financial power if attorney I spoke to the social worker and said that if she thought Mum was capable of living semi independently at home then I was no longer willing to take responsibility.
This immediately changed things and Mum was (much to her disgust) moved into a local independent care home paid for by the local authority for 5 or 6 weeks.
Unfortunately the change of plan wasn't handled very diplomatically and I have had to cope with feelings of guilt and anger from Mum. She was actually leaning out of the window on one of my early visits with 3 carers trying to stop her.
The home has good ratings and reviews but it probably needs a little bit of money spending on it. Under normal circumstances I would have visited a few homes and picked the best but unfortunately we are not allowed in them.
However the important thing is that she is safe and gets good care.
Unfortunately, Mum tested positive for COVID last week along with all other residents.
I am not allowed to see her for obvious reasons and I now feel even more guilty. The last thing I want is for her to feel abandoned but it's pretty grim isolating in her bedroom 24/7.
Apparently her symptoms aren't too bad but she is hardly eating or drinking which is of major concern.
It's not nice to be in a position where you have to make these decisions.
All we want is the best for our elderly relatives and for them to be content, safe and happy in their later years.
Anybody else that is going through this at the moment you have my sympathy. COVID has made an emotional process into a heartbreaking one.
Stay safe one and all and look after each other.
Mike
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Yes, good idea. It's already becoming clear from the call handlers what kind of organisation each one is.
That is good to know as it was a key concern. Appreciate the post.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, they sound similar to mine already. I'm sorry it has been so stressful for you.
AO, I may have missed something, but are you having to deal with this unenviable process alone, or is the burden shared?
In my case, my sister and I were jointly responsible for all decisions involving our parents, which made a world of difference, as we could always discuss matters, and make decisions jointly.
And attend meetings together, which made negotiations easier. Often, the two of us were meeting with three or four health and care specialists, and it would have been easy to feel outnumbered and persuaded into decisions which might have turned out to be wrong. I'm not easily intimidated in meeting situations, the latter part of my career involved recovery of debts from company liquidations or administrations and fraud investigations, but health and care aren't my specialisms, so having somebody present who is on the same side helps more than you might imagine.
Although the meetings were never confrontational, (apart from one particular disagreement when one of the participants assessing my father asserted that he was not a "fall risk" as he was now bed-bound, which skewed the particular assessment for care needs, and I pointed out that he very certainly was a "fall risk", as otherwise he could stand on his own two feet unaided, and wouldn't have such a history of falling and injuring himself. I insisted that she also annotate the notes to say that he wasn't a "drowning risk" either, based on her criteria, and the meeting concluded in a rather terse manner) if everybody else knows more about the processes and laws relating to elderly care, you can sometimes feel that you don't manage to get the outcome that you want, or need.
Although no trees were harmed during the creation of this post, a large number of electrons were greatly inconvenienced.
BP, that's a very good point.
It's not just me. But there are differing views and my natural instinct is to act as a mediator. This adds an extra dimension and thanks to your posts and those of others on this thread, I can use the information to guide the others.
Things have moved quickly and we have found somewhere.
I feel privileged to share a forum with those who have posted and PM'd.
Thank you.
Great to hear AO. All very best wishes to all concerned.
AlphaOmega - that's great news and I know will be a huge weight off your shoulders.
To follow on from my earlier post, my father had a Covid test on Tuesday and we're still awaiting the result of that - almost certainly negative. After that result is in we have 48hrs to move my father into the nursing home or start the whole process again. My sister and I have LPA for finances but not health so we need my father's consent to move him to the nursing home at this time. He's always been a curmudgeonly, old sod that always has to be right and this has got worse in later life. It doesn't help that he's a PhD, was fearsomely bright and sharp and very senior within ICI years ago and used to getting his way through persuasive argument and reason; now he tries to do the same with family and carers without the same mental faculties. Added to that, he's always been as tight as anything which probably explains why he has so much money in his bank account, investments and two properties but balks at the idea of paying £1,350 a week for care. I did some quick maths when at his this evening and informed him that he had enough money to pay for care, at current rates, for over 200 years, not taking into account his pension income.
We were yesterday advised by his doctor (who is superb) to leave him alone with just the carers and at the very first sign of an issue call 999 for an ambulance. This will kick in actions and services from the NHS that we just cannot get at this time and would speed things along but, as you can imagine, this is the last resort as we don't want to see our 85 year old father suffer.
I empathise with anyone going through similar - good luck.
Skier, I had that scenario to deal with.
My fear was that the sight of the emergency services would cause him stress. So if one of you can be there at the same time the ES arrives, it might have the same effect but with less shock.
I've just realised that this isn't the end of the work that's required.
It's not even the beginning of the end. It's the end of the beginning.
Due to Covid, no visiting.
How are you dealing with calls to the relative in the care home? By that I mean, it must be difficult to understand whether what they're saying has happened or not.
My sister and I have spoken about this and initially we're going to try to plan calls at a set time using Facetime to his iPhone X. If that is too small then I'll buy him an iPad that he won't be able to use but a carer can hopefully facilitate.
Set time calls are a great idea. Hadn't thought of that.
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