1. You're the customer. Order your drinks. Whatever you want within reason. Nothing too excessive, money is tight for everyone. No bar tabs unless you're friends with the management. Cards only - to minimise infection.
2. Once you've been served, you're on the bar staff for a round. Politely ask if anyone else needs to be served. Chit chat is encouraged, as long as you're not shirking when you should be working.
Ok.
Is anyone waiting to be served - what can I get you?
Pint of advocaat and lemonade please, and do you do pies? Steak and kidney if so. Oh! and the rest of that card of pork scratchings if you would? Here's my gold amex.
The place is filling up tonight.
Lady in the red dress, what can I get you love, something long? It's the weather for it.
Nice to see you again, Temp.
Here's your pint. I took the liberty of adding your favourite umbrella garnish.
No pies I'm afraid. Chef is off tonight, I think he ate some of his own cooking.
But we do have pork scratchings - the rest of the card will be 22 packets. About the same as the annual calorific intake of a family of four.
That'll be £18 or £16 if you sit at the table near the draughty window.
Just swipe your card on the honesty box reader.
Right, that's my shift over. Enjoy your evening.
Last edited by AlphaOmega; 12th June 2020 at 15:15. Reason: I broke the thread rule about cash. There's an honesty box card swipe.
Hello. I’m actually a man, but I’m glad you like my red dress. You should see my underwear!Originally Posted by Templogin
I would like a whisky - a Springbank 18 if you have it - and a pickled egg please.
Could I have a pipette and some deionised water too?
My apologies Kirk. I should have gone to SpecSavers. Thanks a lot for the offer of a view of your underwear, but I have a date.
Here's your Springbank. We have just run out of pickled eggs, but I do have sulfurous gas if you wish.
Is that deionised water with ice and a slice madam? Oops sir. Sorry.
Well that's me off for the evening. AO will be showing me his etchings all night long.
Toodle-pip
A pickled egg? a pickled egg?.......... what decade do you think it is, it isn’t the bloody 70s! You deserve a pint of Brew 10, Double Diamond or Watneys Red Barrel to rinse it down with, plus a pair of flaired keks and a big hair wig to complete the scenario. Put Barry White on the jukebox (remember them?) and take the fast track back to ‘75.
Did I watch you eat a pickled egg at Stalybridge station last year?.........methinks I did, or did I dream it. Hopefully I took full advantage and treated you to a tirade of ‘friendly banter’.
As for the pipette/ water debate, I’ve given this some serious thought ( I have to do something to keep my brain working) and I propose to resume the debate at the next virtual GTG.
As for the eggs, have you seen the film ‘Cool Hand Luke’.........the number 50 sticks in my mind!
Time for a beer..........serving wench, fill my glass! OK, OK, I’ll paraphrase that, would Mrs Walker like to join me for a drink?
An appointment at Barnard Castle beckons for you, but I do applaud your correct IUPAC spelling of ‘sulfurous’. I only require one drop of deionised water to make my Springbank most splendid.
It seems to be my turn to serve; I shall put on my bar tender’s brogues.
Next please. Oh it’s you, why the long face?
Didn’t know IUPAC nomenclature included Americanised spellings........every day’s a school day.
And a good evening barman. I would like a pint of Black Sheep Yorkshire Square and a sherry for Mrs Sish.
It is looking lovely in here and with that open fire, we may be here for a while, it's very cosy. I wonder if Magirus will be in tonight.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Have you lost weight, by the way. You are looking very trim.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Thank you. I have shaved my head, which explains the 8 gram weight loss.
Here are your drinks, please keep them 2m apart.
Magirus was banned for a while after ‘that incident’, hopefully he’s learnt the error of his ways.
Please don’t get too comfy by the fire, it’s your turn to serve.
- - - Updated - - -
Yep. Sulfur not sulphur. And pickled eggs are the best things ever!
I don't know who was working behind this bar before me but they have left it looking spic and span.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
2 yards of ale please, it can double up as a social distance stick :)
You look quite young. Please don't take offense if I ask you to show me some ID.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
That's ok, I get taken for a young shaver quite often. A stout for me and a pint of creme de menthe for wor lass. Next please, yes you Sir, the gent accompanied by the lady with the moustache . . .
Last edited by magirus; 12th June 2020 at 19:46.
F.T.F.A.
[it's very quiet in here tonight. whispers the pub ghost]
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Sorry, I was trying to find a yard of ale but I think the students took it.
If Berty's ID checks out, we could do a couple of flagons I suppose.
I've left Mag's Guinness and crème de menthe on the side.
By the way, the jukebox is broken. It's only playing Miles Davis at the moment.
Our date didn't work out.
Is it happy hour yet?
Can someone put a new roll in the bog? I think the train is coming.
Last edited by Templogin; 12th June 2020 at 21:22.
Large grouse and a pony of beer
No ice in the grouse, just pass us the water jug mate!
Who the hell do you think you're calling a large grousy bony queer?! Oh sorry, bit squiffy, misheard, have this round on me mate. NEXT PLEASE . . .
I'm sure Bernard Manning made a career from that sort of material.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Cough, cough, cough.
Are the pickled eggs back in stock yet, Barkeep?
No, some greedy Manc ate ‘em all
Pint of Ghost Ship and a pint of cider for the missus please, and can you turn the jukebox up.
I’ll just serve that crusty looking old gent at the end of the bar, what can I get you mate...........
Started out with nothing. Still have most of it left.
I don’t think Unclealec has his hearing aids in OOK
Anyone checked their food health rating? Those pies under the glass cloche are looking somewhat rancid.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Whoops, sorry Sish.
They should be binned.
I'll just check the sell-by date.
Let's see... consume by August. That's ok.
Oh hang on, August 2018.
Hmm. What about some crisps?
Here's your Black Sheep Yorkshire Square and a sherry.
<Furtively consults 'Obscure Drinks Of The World' by I. M. Furstee & then a personally curated spreadsheet of all drinks ever mentioned on TZ-UK since its inception in an attempt to be unique & on the bleeding-edge.../>
'Barman, I'll have a large Gilpin Family Whisky, if you please. A packet of kidney-flavour crisps, if you have them.'
______
Jim.
"Gasp!"
I've been re-decorating all weekend and I'm desperate for a drink. Give me something cold and wet please barman.
It must be my turn again, sorry I've been down in the cellar. There's some old unsold stock down there, anyone for a Double Diamond or a pint of Harp?
Right, let me serve the customer who asked for the whisky. You wanted a Gilpin. Was that a single or double renal failure? And we only have 'beef' flavour crisps? Will those do?
And something wet and cold for Wimm. I have some slighty off mackerel in the fridge which I've been meaning to throw out but you're welcome to it. You can have a drink afterwards if you wish.
Right that's me done. Remember to wash the glasses as you go along and don't mind the pub ghost. He's friendly.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
It was a double & would you pass the water, please?
______
Jim.
Here you are and no salted peanuts for you.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
I'm sure those peanuts are talking to me.
When I walked by earlier, they said I looked well.
Are you ever likely to sell that new snack in here, Bacony Bits?
Not sure about Bacony Bits but the peanuts are complimentary.
Your next server may know.
Enjoy your evening, Sir.
Smoke me the mackerel and I'll have it for dinner. Washed down with a pint of a light summery ale.
Glad to hear the peanuts aren't rude. I'll have gone elsewhere if they were.
Last edited by Wimm; 15th June 2020 at 08:25. Reason: Spelling
[it's very quiet in here tonight. whispers the pub ghost]
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
Eh! Who said that?
Hmm, no one here. Must have been the spirits talking again. Better have another.
I think the bar staff are furloughed. Or stuffed.
If that is the case we might as well help ourselves. What are having?
I would like a single malt whisky and a pickled egg please barkeep. And you Sir?
Pickled egg?
Large Merlot and a bag of pork scratchings pour moi.
When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks long into you.........
Ooh I think I'll push the boat out and have a half of Best and some pork scratchings.
Hmm, this could be awkward. There only appears to be one bag of pork scratchings left.
I can substitute the pork scratchings for a pickled pig.
Let's share the scratchings whilst socially distanced?
When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks long into you.........
If you scratch my back I’ll share my pickled egg
That is a very specialised market. But I'm sure there is a website for it.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
That could work. I have bought my trusty litter picker with me. It's not quite a metre long but if I hold it at arms length I'm sure it'll be fine.
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