Telling teenage child about close family member suicide

[gcleminson]

Hi Skier

That was a very personal post so I won't re-quote it, but thank you. They're not really understanding yet it's even happened so they're too young to understand the circumstances. I agree 100% with what you've said, but not my decision to make. How the hell would you decide 'I'm going to tell them today / on this date'?

[Skier]

Hi Skier

That was a very personal post so I won't re-quote it, but thank you. They're not really understanding yet it's even happened so they're too young to understand the circumstances. I agree 100% with what you've said, but not my decision to make. How the hell would you decide 'I'm going to tell them today / on this date'?

I know you haven't mentioned the ages of the children other than to say 'very young' and so it's difficult to be prescriptive but never underestimate the strength and resilience of young children; they simply move on and process in their own way. The time will come to tell them but it will probably never seem right as they will have moved on and adjusted to life without their father. Your daughter is very definitely old enough to know the truth and deal with whatever story your wife's family decide to put out. Yes, she'll be upset but will build confidence and character in the long-term.

From my own perspective, my mother's death had some positive sides, however difficult these are to come to terms with: I became incredibly responsible and independent at a young age, able to cook for my family from around 10 years old, I was able to use a washing machine and dryer from a similar age.

I don't need to say this but support your wife hugely as she will be massively affected however brave a face she puts on and strong a personality she has.

[Snowdon]

Devastating news

I hope the children and adults alike are able to come to terms with this in time. My thoughts are with you.

[stefmcd]

I have no advice but I hope whatever you decide works out for the best. I don't think there's a right and wrong here; maybe just a wise or misguided. Dreadful burden on everyone.

The only virtue from this is the perspective others can get on their 'problems'. Mine now feel irrelevant and completely trivial after reading this.

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[ktmog6uk]

I can't add anything further but wish to add my condolences. stay strong and support where you can.

[eldrich]

Very very sorry for your loss,
Nothing much to offer other than children (esp young ones) are incredibly resilient. I've been involved in a couple of these - one had children around 5-8, the other was to 4 year old twins, where the mother was so distraught (obviously) she asked myself and my wife to break the news to her children instead.

The reaction was much the same as you said here - a "oh we won't see him again - oh but we liked him.", to my untrained eye it seems that as long as they were covered with enough people to give them all the love and attention they needed they adapted far better than we ever thought possible. I know it's a horrible thing to say that someone was 'not missed' but for the sake of those kids it was probably a better result than them falling apart es as their mother was trying to hold everything together albeit with massive family support.

Something that really helped later on in the 1st case was the brother/wife/family went on a big holiday as a combined family around 6 months later where one late night were spent after the children had gone to bed to 'debrief'. I personally found it really helped just to talk to someone after trying to hold 2 families together for 6 months and honestly having feelings of resentment to being put in that position too and for people to tell me I wasn't a bad person for feeling that way.

[Bluehase284]

Children always seem to find a way to adapt to bad news - given unconditional love, attention and support.

They seem somewhat less consistent on their responce when they discover they have been mislead - regardless of how nobel the cause may be.

I would be cautious to lie to my own - but only you know your child and how they may process or understand you withholding the truth from them.

I am truly sorry for what you are dealing with - nothing anyone says will make you feel better now, but I will say this...

Keep everyone in it together - don't let grief come between anyone as it often can. Support each other and accept people can act out occasionally and in the end you will all come through together.

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[Pubdweller]

That’s awful. I’m very sorry for your loss.

My opinion is you should tell her the truth. She’s old enough and as you say, she’ll figure it out herself, and the same ‘burden’ will be on her shoulders. But she’ll be angry that she was lied to in top of it.

Very difficult situation. My half brother killed himself in 2015 and left a young son behind.


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Kids are quite resilient, my mum's sister died in her late 20's of cervical cancer and her parents and sisters decided not to take her young daughters (aged 6 and 8) to the funeral for fear it would be too upsetting for them.

20 Years later there is a resentment that they never got to grieve properly for their mum.

Also, neighbours / schoolfriends will talk and at some point the children will hear about what happened from a third party at a time you don't control. My view would be tell them the truth - finding out you have been lied to about something like this will merely heap more hurt on the kids when they need honesty