Teenagers!!!!

[smokey99]

I know it's not that unusual but with my eldest turning 16 on Friday, I'm starting to spend more and more time thinking.......I'm not sure I like this person in front of me?

It's the usual mix of teenage arrogance and indifference but I'm sure I didn't go that far with my Mum when I was that age.

Of course I still love him and would do anything for him but it's kinda tough when they are so annoying and disinterested in your world.

He doesn't even want to go out with us for his birthday and is trying to wriggle out of it and go out with his mates instead.

Anyone else going through this now or recently?

Oh well. Only 2/3 years to go into he hopefully moves out for at least 40 weeks a year.

Cheers.

Chris.

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[dickbrowne]

Pretty standard I'd say - I get on really well with my daughter, but there are times... Oh, there are times.

She's 19 now and decided not to go to University, but got a job instead.

There are days I wouldn't be without her, but some others, well, the cost of a flat would be a reasonable investment.

Recently, she's started to see a young chap on a regular basis and that has helped. Until he lets her down. Then I go and work on something in the garage. Or Massachusetts. Either works.

Keep breathing, it will get better.

[murkeywaters]

Well my lad is 13 and most of the time he is fine, but the last few months I have noticed an attitude change, more bolshie and if I say black he’ll say white..

My other half will argue with him endlessly but I’m more your doing it and doing now, lately I’m bringing this down harder to curb the attitude.

I guess it will get harder as he gets older so I’m setting my stall out now!

[Omegamanic]

I've been really lucky, mine are very respectful. Like all kids they have their moments and can be very trying at times though.

[JasonM]

Well my lad is 13 and most of the time he is fine, but the last few months I have noticed an attitude change, more bolshie and if I say black he’ll say white..

My other half will argue with him endlessly but I’m more your doing it and doing now, lately I’m bringing this down harder to curb the attitude.

I guess it will get harder as he gets older so I’m setting my stall out now!

I’m in the same boat, mine is 13 too and he’s already moody and uncooperative and extra emotional and seems to do the opposite of what hes asked / told for no good reason. It’s going to be a rough few years ahead.
I don’t know if it’s puberty or not ( seems early?) but I do put some of it down to them being taught about it in school and suddenly he has an excuse and has developed all the symptoms almost overnight! Grrrrr.

[mk1974]

I’m glad it’s not just my daughter then,she’s only 14 but at times she thinks she runs the house,it doesn’t help that the wife treats her more like a mate.
I’m hoping she’s just in some faze that will wear off,any conversations I have with her are arguments.


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[murkeywaters]

I’m in the same boat, mine is 13 too and he’s already moody and uncooperative and extra emotional and seems to do the opposite of what hes asked / told for no good reason. It’s going to be a rough few years ahead.
I don’t know if it’s puberty or not ( seems early?) but I do put some of it down to them being taught about it in school and suddenly he has an excuse and has developed all the symptoms almost overnight! Grrrrr.

Yeh, I get you, tonight we had agro over a haircut and as I type he is upstairs chatting on his phone with his first girlfriend!
At least we have TZ as some sort of solace..

[Rocket Man]

As a Psychologist (and a Dad!), I think it's helpful to understand that the teenage brain is very different to an adult brain.

This researcher is helping us to understand why:

https://www.theguardian.com/science/...dy-adolescents

If you have a moody teenager in the house, I'd say this was essential reading!

[brucelee]

I've got a 17 yr old, a 16 yr old and one at 12.
Life can be great but bloody hell, there are days I could kill!

[chrisparker]

I can’t say I’m looking forward to the teenage years although my girls are a way off yet.

My teenage years didn’t seem bad though, I’m sure my parents would agree. I think being busy helped, paper rounds, milk round, beating on weekends in hunting season, scouts and then started on the tills at Tesco at 16. You couldn’t be a grumpy arsehole when packing Doris’ bags on a Saturday morning!

[Onelasttime]

I was a nightmare as a teenager. I moved out when I was 17 because me and my stepdad were always fighting.

I loved both of them when I was young but suddenly they didn't understand me and wanted to control everything I said and did, so we argued and fought. Crazy when I think about it. In my early 20s my step dad became one of my best mates as we shared a sense of humour and music and I was devastated when he died suddenly.

I believe studies have concluded that it is an actual chemical imbalance in the brain and not simply teens being difficult. It's a scary, challenging period when you feel grown up but don't know jack 5hit; not quite an adult, but not a child; and everyone tells you that your whole future success or failure is determined in those few short years.

I wouldn't go back there for anything. My 20s, on the other hand, were one, long, rock and roll party

I'm not looking forward to our two changing. They already give us grief at 8 and 12

[Rocket Man]

I believe studies have concluded that it is an actual chemical imbalance in the brain and not simply teens being difficult. It's a scary, challenging period when you feel grown up but don't know jack 5hit; not quite an adult, but not a child; and everyone tells you that your whole future success or failure is determined in those few short years.

It's not a chemical imbalance, more neurodevelopmental but you're right, it's not simply teens being difficult and it's a very challenging time in life.

Have a read of the article I linked to below, I'd be interested to know what you think.

[smokey99]

Funny I do think from time to time that he's not doing it on purpose and it can't be help......its just biology/chemistry.

But everytime we have an interaction and he just makes it clear it that he's not interested in anything but hanging out with his mates, it's hard.

Dad's taxi, bank of Dad, more trainers, more KFC, more sweets, can have a beer, can I have a sleepover.....and then the regular, " I've not lost it it's just gone missing".

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[monogroover]

My younger stepdaughter was properly vile between the ages of 14 and 20 or so; utterly selfish, inconsiderate, cavalier about everything and often cruel to her mum. Some of that's gone now to the point where she's tolerable (she's 26).

[Brighty]

My daughter has not long turned 7, she's a stroppy madam now, heaven help me in 6 yrs time

[chrisparker]

Dad's taxi, bank of Dad, more trainers, more KFC, more sweets, can have a beer, can I have a sleepover.....and then the regular, " I've not lost it it's just gone missing".

If he’s 16 on Friday get him an application for the supermarket tomorrow, he could be working Weekends by next Saturday. He’ll have a year to save for driving lessons and a car and you’ll no longer be bank and taxi.

[Onelasttime]

It's not a chemical imbalance, more neurodevelopmental but you're right, it's not simply teens being difficult and it's a very challenging time in life.

Have a read of the article I linked to below, I'd be interested to know what you think.

Very interesting, especially that teenagers across the cultural/geographical divide display similar behaviours.

And ban GCSEs

[smokey99]

If he’s 16 on Friday get him an application for the supermarket tomorrow, he could be working Weekends by next Saturday. He’ll have a year to save for driving lessons and a car and you’ll no longer be bank and taxi.

Well yes the part time job has been raised..........and dismissed.

I think we need to employ some tough love......strip down pocket money to bare minimum. All birthday and Christmas money to be kept in locked account.

Now see how you get on!

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[David_D]

Don't know if it's the internet or what but friends who are teachers say behaviour has got massively worse over the last 15-20 years. Even previously "good" schools have major problems, apparently.

Being a moody teenager happened to us all but then you hear stuff and wonder how these "kids" are going to function as useful members of society.

Shame because the biggest losers are those kids who manage to act reasonably most of the time.

[murkeywaters]

I’m lucky in that my lad loves saving money rather than spending, but when he wanted £110 trainers the other day we said that’s fine, our budget is £60 so you can stump up the other £50, he wasn’t impressed and went off the idea funnily enough!

I think it’s all about helping progress your child from a child to an adult when the time is right, tonight I made him clean his school shoes and coat as they were muddy, turn off lights, hang up that wet towel, simple things that you got away with as a kid but as an adult you have to do yourself, I’m going gradual with him but making him do more so hopefully he understands responsibility as he develops.

[smokey99]

I’m lucky in that my lad loves saving money rather than spending, but when he wanted £110 trainers the other day we said that’s fine, our budget is £60 so you can stump up the other £50, he wasn’t impressed and went off the idea funnily enough!

I think it’s all about helping progress your child from a child to an adult when the time is right, tonight I made him clean his school shoes and coat as they were muddy, turn off lights, hang up that wet towel, simple things that you got away with as a kid but as an adult you have to do yourself, I’m going gradual with him but making him do more so hopefully he understands responsibility as he develops.

We have been through both of those scenarios as well.

He seems think £150 is quite reasonable for trainers so we've done the same thing in terms of splitting costs.

Just like you we've tried educate little by little in the hope that some of it sticks but you're never quite sure and it feels like a daily 'battle'.

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[markrlondon]

I know it's not that unusual but with my eldest turning 16 on Friday, I'm starting to spend more and more time thinking.......I'm not sure I like this person in front of me?

It's the usual mix of teenage arrogance and indifference but I'm sure I didn't go that far with my Mum when I was that age.

I expect it is true that you did not go as far as is now. As to why, it strikes me that the world has changed. That's a self-evident statement but the specific changes are important: Teenagers of today have far more access to the (adult) world in general. They can be and are a part of it as never before. This is due in large part to the Internet and social media but also general cultural (including portrayal of teenagers in popular media, mainly tv) and economic changes over time. It is thus natural that teenagers should want more independence at a younger age and be more assertive in getting it.

Conversely, at the very same time, it is harder than ever before for teenagers to take a practical, real world part in this world they see before them. Despite having images and concepts of independence thrust upon them by pervasive culture, they have virtually no capacity to earn enough money to really take part, other than the bank of mum and dad.

This conflict between what is desirable and what is possible creates frustration, which enhances the natural frustrations of teenage years.

There is also the more recent issue (and this affects both boys and girls, even though I think it is more noticeable with girls) is that of peer pressure and/or role model pressures through social media. This puts an epic amount of pressure of teenagers to live up to how they see other people looking, acting or living. It can be a matter of looks/beauty/body shape but also financial success, social success, and crowd approbation. The problem of course is that most teenagers simply cannot live up to these ideals (and they probably never will!): This in particular create massive frustration and anger.

** edit **
£150 trainers are an example of what I try to describe in the paragraph above.

He doesn't even want to go out with us for his birthday and is trying to wriggle out of it and go out with his mates instead.

He's 16. Old enough to legally have sex and get married. It should not be overly surprising (even without the modern world's problems I list above) that he'd rather go out with his mates on such an important occasion!

As a compromise, could he go out with his mates on his birthday and then you can all have a private family dinner soon afterwards. That way you all get what you want.

[markrlondon]

I loved both of them when I was young but suddenly they didn't understand me and wanted to control everything I said and did, so we argued and fought. Crazy when I think about it.

Not crazy at all. You were absolutely correct.

Indeed, they suddenly did not (could not) understand you because you were fundamentally and substantially changing and growing up. How could they understand you when, as a developing adult, certainly no longer a child, you no longer complied with preferences, ideas, thought and feelings of the child that they previously knew. You were becoming your own person and they could not cope with that overnight, any more than you could.

Similarly, they were used to controlling everything you (as a child) did and yet that was no longer appropriate or possible for you as a developing adult. You needed to begin making your own decisions and being in control of yourself, even if that meant making mistakes. This naturally resulted in conflict.

For some parent/teenagers combinations, the conflict is worse than for others. But it's always going to be there to some extent. It actually has to be.

In my early 20s my step dad became one of my best mates as we shared a sense of humour and music

And this could be not only because you had grown up but perhaps also because your step dad was more able to think of you by then as an adult.

Teenagers (naturally) think they know everything but I think adults should remember that they don't necessarily know everything either even if they do have more experience.

[markrlondon]

I’m in the same boat, mine is 13
[...]
I don’t know if it’s puberty or not ( seems early?)

Errr.. that is most certainly not too early for puberty!

[thieuster]

Two boys (18 and 16) here in our household and there couldn't be a bigger difference. They've slept under the same roof and had the same food to eat. My oldest caused many problems, my youngest is an easy-going lad.

Both are bright, but my oldest started to loathe school when he was 12 (I recognized that: I had the same issues...) and he has done everything a 'lean' as possible. Again, very familiair. Even when knowing that, it is driving me, as a former teacher, completely mad from time to time I've been working with 12 -18 y/o special needs children (anti-social behavior) for many years - but talking with my own son proved to be more difficult! I hear the same from other special needs teachers, though...

My youngest works part-time in an iPhone repair shop, likes online gaming, builds his own computers and manages to do great at school and wants to study applied physics next year at the uni. A very level-headed, easy-going kid. Like his mum.

There's some light at the end of the tunnel. As I've written before: he's totally dedicated to sailing and he goes a long way to reach his goals. That keeps him out of bars and clubs most of the times. Secondly, after a week training and living in a rented apartment, he was quite angry telling that he constantly had to tell the others to clean up their mess, wash their dishes etc. As if I was listening to myself!! Other sailors' parents tell me that their son of daughter mention my kid as the one who makes sure that there are no arguments in the team and he makes sure that those who are less 'verbal' do not lose spots on the 'pecking order'. As in: "No, he's not sleeping on the sofa. He did that last time. He's sleeping in a proper bed during this week. It's your turn now to sleep on the sofa!"

His sailing has brought him all over the world by now. We're not with him. He knows how to handle this on his own. So yes, that lazy, unmotivated kid has learned something along the way.

A part-time job works as well. My oldest had '12 jobs and 13 accidents' as we say in Dutch but now he's holding on to a job because he likes it! Money is a big thing. Dress money was the trigger for us. We gave them 55% of the country's average dress money allowance according to their age and only pay (annually) 2 pair of sneakers and two coats: one summer, one winter. All within a pre-set max. Both are very, very good in going through the online sales ads of big name brands.

Perhaps there's really light at the end of the tunnel!

[Steve27752]

Well yes the part time job has been raised..........and dismissed.

I think we need to employ some tough love......strip down pocket money to bare minimum. All birthday and Christmas money to be kept in locked account.

Now see how you get on!

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No job, no pocket money.......Simples.

[magpie215]

It's not a chemical imbalance, more neurodevelopmental but you're right, it's not simply teens being difficult and it's a very challenging time in life.

Recently I was on a course the person explaining things said that the teenage brain goes through a huge change and "prunes" unused pathways and creates new ones.....iirc your brain has 2 big periods of massive change.

[JasonM]

Recently I was on a course the person explaining things said that the teenage brain goes through a huge change and "prunes" unused pathways and creates new ones.....iirc your brain has 2 big periods of massive change.

Is the second one when you get married and certain realisations dawn.......?

[magpie215]

Is the second one when you get married and certain realisations dawn.......?

definitely

[Mick P]

If you pop over to the BP you will wonder what this discussion is all about. Over there we have the daily spectacle of abuse, name calling and the constant arguing over trivia by the fathers of teenagers.

[smokey99]

https://youtu.be/vDc3neuDBf4



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[chrisparker]

I think we need to employ some tough love......strip down pocket money to bare minimum. All birthday and Christmas money to be kept in locked account.

Now see how you get on!

4 years until my eldest hits 13, however I’m more worried about ‘the time of the month’. My wife is a pain in the arse a few days a month, and women who live in the same house seem to align their period so, I’m in for a nightmare every month.

I really need to play more golf and plan trips away to coincide.

[unclealec]

Guys, guys, you are blowing this out of all proportion.

Just sit down with the offspring, have a calm and reasoned conversation, treat them like adults.
Explain your concerns, tell them that they must absolutely enjoy their teenage years but in safety.
Give them the benefit of the mistakes you made, tell them that because you love them you are making sure they don't make the same mistakes. They will love and respect you for it.




What was that? No, I don't have any children........

[smokey99]

I think the real answer to everything is just keep buying watches.

Hopefully the feel good factor of a new watch every 6 months will get me through to when be leaves for university.

Oh no, then the other one will be 15/16 ......it never ends!

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[ajdh]

I never had a teenager but can remember being one. During my teenage years I always thought it was uncool to go out with my parents as I was becoming an adult. It's one of those phases in life you go through were yo think you know better but later on realise maybe you weren't right. I'm sure he'll turn out ok in time.

[Michael 38]

My Mrs and I had no end of trouble with her son from the age of 15 smashing his room up smoking large amounts of dope me calling the police we nearly split up u few times friends were telling me not to let him come between us eisier said than done, he's at uni now things are way better now between me and the Mrs

[magpie215]

My Mrs and I had no end of trouble with her son from the age of 15 smashing his room up smoking large amounts of dope me calling the police we nearly split up u few times friends were telling me not to let him come between us eisier said than done, he's at uni now things are way better now between me and the Mrs

Ours are away at uni.....the home seems a lot calmer now

[thieuster]

I remember a girl in my own class when I was 16, 17 y/o. Oldest of three kids and very, very wealthy parents. The biggest house I'd ever been in, in the wealthiest area of Rotterdam. The parents had a simple rule regarding money:
- pocket money till your 13th b'day.
- from 13 yrs on, they had to earn money: part time job, bringing newspapers, washing cars, walking the dogs in the neighbourhood. Dad added a Dfl for every Dfl earned. Ever Saturday afternoon, they had to come up with a ledger. And dad with his wallet. No earnings, no money from dad. All three had 'substantial' jobs, I can tell you.

I remember that the girl and I had a summer job. She earned the same as I did, knowing that her father would double the money.

The parents' reason for that: "We've become wealthy after working hard. We're not going to waste our money on laziness!"

Menno

[smokey99]

Yep all very sensible and we've tried something similar. Walk the dog after school, empty the dishwasher, ball up the socks, tidy your room, do your own ironing.

All good in principle but still not quite sure it's sunk in that people have to work for a living and that every penny you earn is not actually spending money!


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[K300]

Unrelated: @ David_D
Hi David, could you clear your inbox please.

[thieuster]

Yep all very sensible and we've tried something similar. Walk the dog after school, empty the dishwasher, ball up the socks, tidy your room, do your own ironing.

All good in principle but still not quite sure it's sunk in that people have to work for a living and that every penny you earn is not actually spending money!


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Yes, been there as well. And now, with a valid driver license in his pocket, things don't get better. Car-wise that is. No. My car is not intended for you to haul your mates from A to B.

M

[Neil.C]

I remember a girl in my own class when I was 16, 17 y/o. Oldest of three kids and very, very wealthy parents. The biggest house I'd ever been in, in the wealthiest area of Rotterdam. The parents had a simple rule regarding money:
- pocket money till your 13th b'day.
- from 13 yrs on, they had to earn money: part time job, bringing newspapers, washing cars, walking the dogs in the neighbourhood. Dad added a Dfl for every Dfl earned. Ever Saturday afternoon, they had to come up with a ledger. And dad with his wallet. No earnings, no money from dad. All three had 'substantial' jobs, I can tell you.

I remember that the girl and I had a summer job. She earned the same as I did, knowing that her father would double the money.

The parents' reason for that: "We've become wealthy after working hard. We're not going to waste our money on laziness!"

Menno

Very wise.

I never gave any of my three pocket money - ever.

As my Mum used to say to me, "I'm not paying you to live here!"

All three sons had jobs whilst at school and they all now know the value of money.

Coddling kids just leads to bad behaviour IMO.

[Jega]

Sorry gents ,couldn't resist sharing this little gem from Harry Enfield , like many of you on here i used to think was over acted and highly exaggerated that was until our own offspring became teenagers.........
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

[thieuster]

I'd never seen that before. On behalf of all parents with teenagers: can that guy get and Oscar and/or a Bafta Award for the most natural acting ever? Brilliant.

Menno

[justin44]

I, laughing and crying at this, just had a huge argument with my 17 yr old because he just can’t seem to make reasonable choices. I just picked him up from and he is dead on his feet, can hardly string a sentence together. I say go home eat and go to bed but no he thinks it’s fine to get in at 18.30 eat, shower then go play football, I can handle that but he then says he’s going down the gym which will be about 21.30, I’ve told him that he’ll get to work tomorrow and be no use because he’s to tired so once again he’ll get the sack.

I said to my wife yesterday that I just don’t like him any more, every decision he seems to make at the moment is the wrong one, he’s learning to drive and to be honest isn’t that bad, he’s failed the test twice and is taking it again next week. I went out with him the other day and he pulled out in front of another car on a round about, I was shouting stop, stop, stop! But he just went in, ok no one killed so lucky but when I told him what he was doing wrong he just wouldn’t except it?

I hate the fact that at the moment I just want to say “you’re on your own, I wash my hands of you”


I thought it was just me.

[bdkelly72]

My son learnt selfish at 13. I have spent the last 2 years telling him when he is and to be grateful. I remember they \ he doesn't realise he is being selfish.. A gentle or not so gentle reminder and a bit of understand on my part have made his attitude alot better. Less selfish now

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[awright101]

I, laughing and crying at this, just had a huge argument with my 17 yr old because he just can’t seem to make reasonable choices. I just picked him up from and he is dead on his feet, can hardly string a sentence together. I say go home eat and go to bed but no he thinks it’s fine to get in at 18.30 eat, shower then go play football, I can handle that but he then says he’s going down the gym which will be about 21.30, I’ve told him that he’ll get to work tomorrow and be no use because he’s to tired so once again he’ll get the sack.

I said to my wife yesterday that I just don’t like him any more, every decision he seems to make at the moment is the wrong one, he’s learning to drive and to be honest isn’t that bad, he’s failed the test twice and is taking it again next week. I went out with him the other day and he pulled out in front of another car on a round about, I was shouting stop, stop, stop! But he just went in, ok no one killed so lucky but when I told him what he was doing wrong he just wouldn’t except it?

I hate the fact that at the moment I just want to say “you’re on your own, I wash my hands of you”


I thought it was just me.

No mate, that sounds par for the course

[thieuster]

I, laughing and crying at this, just had a huge argument with my 17 yr old because he just can’t seem to make reasonable choices. I just picked him up from and he is dead on his feet, can hardly string a sentence together. I say go home eat and go to bed but no he thinks it’s fine to get in at 18.30 eat, shower then go play football, I can handle that but he then says he’s going down the gym which will be about 21.30, I’ve told him that he’ll get to work tomorrow and be no use because he’s to tired so once again he’ll get the sack.

I said to my wife yesterday that I just don’t like him any more, every decision he seems to make at the moment is the wrong one, he’s learning to drive and to be honest isn’t that bad, he’s failed the test twice and is taking it again next week. I went out with him the other day and he pulled out in front of another car on a round about, I was shouting stop, stop, stop! But he just went in, ok no one killed so lucky but when I told him what he was doing wrong he just wouldn’t except it?

I hate the fact that at the moment I just want to say “you’re on your own, I wash my hands of you”


I thought it was just me.

You're not alone. And when you think that it can't be worse, another parent will tell you his/her story that's far-more worse than your own, is my experience. My oldest is 18. I've stopped being a curling-parent. He's on his own now. And hey, most things he does are okay. I don't talk about his education, tests or results. I've done that in the past - perhaps too often. But always with the right intention. Now, it feels a lot better. And frankly, 95% of my attention and annoyance is focussed on 5% of his behavior.

He has this part-time job at a grocery delivery service. Really a hipster-thing here. White shirt, un-torn jeans and a black apron as dress-code. Electric van for delivery etc. Yesterday evening he got home and told me this: "I rang a door-bell and the lady opened the door, whispering because her little children were asleep. He delivered the groceries. Then he told the lady: "Hold on madam, I have something for you!" He went to his van and got back with a sticker saying: "Please don't ring. Knock. My children are asleep!" and he gave it her. I asked him where he got the idea. He: "I was in the town center and I walked by a baby-stuff-shop and I spotted those stickers. Then I thought that it would be nice to give 'm to mums with little kids when I deliver my stuff!"

We never spoke about that, small children are never a topic here in my household. And yet, he's able to place himself in that mum's situation. Perhaps things will become okay again.

[Passenger]

from something I read,'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph, as teenagers our brains are sometimes so flooded with hormones we're almost off our heads with it and lose the ability to reason, he explains it much better than I but that was the gist. Certainly chimed with my own experience.
Not normally into self help books but this quite short book is a useful read, I think. If anyone is interested.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/204098.Raising_Boys

[Andyg]

I guess all teenagers are not the same. My 17 son is a delight to spend time with. He is happy to do the odd job, is not fussy when it comes to food, is considerate and kind to others and even does his school work without being bullied into it.

He is little bit spoilt, but then he's our only one and both his mum and I want to make sure he has some of the things that either of us had when we were growing up, but why not - life is hard enough. He is, at least for now, very low maintenance. He even has a choice of a Panerai or Rolex for his 21st.

Currently he is out playing Badmington with friends and his mum. Bless.