Reply With QuoteSorry for your losses.
This, or a rocket?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u44D3qKKGPU
No, nothing sinister, but a problem that I've got to address and I'm wondering what others have done.
When my mother passed away, my father didn't want the ashes put into a cemetery or similar as he knew that he'd want to visit every day and realised that would put a massive strain on him and the family. So her ashes remained, as they still do, with the undertaker.
The undertakers were fine, saying there was no rush and that they'd stored ashes for years.
Father then passed and his ashes are now on the shelf there, next to hers, where they've been sat for a couple of years.
Not unreasonably, the undertakers have now given me a nudge (new manager wanting to clear the store room I suspect) by asking me to collect them.
I've no idea what to do with them.
After disposing of my uncles ashes, where a third of him ended up in the garden of his house (now sold), a third ended up in an RAF memorial and a third or him ended up in the carpet of a Travelodge, I know this sort of thing can be a nightmare.
Anyone got the right answer?
Sorry for your losses.
This, or a rocket?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u44D3qKKGPU
Did they have favourite place they could be scattered?
A relative of mine had hers spread on a hill that has overlooked all the places she lived during her life.
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That's part of the problem. I'm unaware of a sprinkling that's actually gone well, though of course, it'll be the disasters that people talk about.Originally Posted by Holsterman
Sorry to hear you've lost both your parents. It's always life changing when the second one goes as all thoughts turn to "me next". Anyhow, since you have not felt the need to have a special place to visit and scattering them is a messy business, why not ask the funeral place just to dispose of them and enjoy the living memories of your parents?
For me, the ritual of scattering ashes would be hardening up the fact their gone rather than just disposing of the ashes and remembering the good times.
The home they lived in together for the last 40 years or so is probably the nearest thing, but then that's not necessarily somewhere that could always be visited (should I wish to in the future)
My ex and I chose a particular bay on the Long Island Sound for our son, because that spot had a special meaning for him growing up. Perhaps you can think along those lines and identify somewhere that would have been meaningful for your parents?
Failing that, is there somewhere that has significance for you in a spiritual sense? Personally I don’t feel that the ashes would need to “reside” there as the scattering itself would provide the sense of place.
That's probably the right/most practical answer, as the living memory is the hugely important bit.
[QUOTE=broxie;5224861For me, the ritual of scattering ashes would be hardening up the fact their gone rather than just disposing of the ashes and remembering the good times.[/QUOTE]
It does feel like I'm simply asking them to pop them in the wheely bin though, which then feels wrong.
Scatter on the grass at the front/back of house....... job done.
Oh Tony that sounds awful, but I'm pleased you managed to find the right place for your son.
I'm beginning to think that scattering in the sea near Portland is reasonable as it's where they met, though I've never been there.
But you live miles away.
Can I post them?
We scattered our Father's ashes across two of his favourite places, some on the bowling green in the park opposite his house and the rest on the beach at New Brighton part way between the the Fort Perch Rock and the Lighthouse.
It gives my Mother comfort, because in the summer she occasionally sits in the park by the bowling green and feels close to him.
My mother was lobbed off the back of the Cremyll Ferry because she used to pilot it during WWII and was often talking about that fact.
She was a large woman - it was like a depth charge going in.
Wherever ashes are scattered they will eventually be washed into the subsoil/down to the sea and thus become part of the planet. Something spiritual about that.
Last edited by unclealec; 15th October 2019 at 11:38.
A friend of mine went through a similar set up - he eventually scattered them at the church where his parents originally married - theyd been together for 60 years - and would always be a big one for saying marriage was the best day etc
If they had hobbies and interests, perhaps look at a spot that is relevant geographically near to you (eg; a stately home, a sporting establishment etc)
When the time comes (hopefully that'll be a long way off and it's a difficult thing to think about), will your mother be joining your father?
If I put father in his favourite place, it would be Plymouth Sound, for mum the Scottish Borders.
Together it's trickier as I'm not dumping them in Coventry!
My father died in Feb and was not a great father(an understatement)...ashes spilt into three for his fancy woman,my brother and me.
Sent my brother's to Oz and he used his as cat litter...problem solved if you have a cat.
PS i did spread mine at the 4 places he lived in England.
If you want to do it at sea and location not to fussy I can take you out from shoreham in the work boat at no expense.
My mum keeps her dad's ashes in a jar in the cupboard under the stairs... she's been meaning to scatter them on the River Dart (his favourite place) for years, but has never got round to it.
I suspect he will still be there, under the stairs when she shuffles off her mortal coil.
A very generous offer - I may well take you up on that!
Why not just keep hold of them for a while – it’s not like they take up much space. We kept my Mum and Dad for quite a while before deciding where to scatter the ashes and in a strange sort of way it was quite nice to have them in the house.
Had our sons ashes buried in a natural burial site. Up on a hill, surrounded by flowers, with lovely views. It's a lovely place to sit/talk to him, and doesn't feel as sombre as a traditional cemetery.
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Super gesture/offer.
We scattered my mother in a terrace garden area that was just under one of the balconies at the house in france. She had made a kind of memorial garden to my grandparents/dogs/etc there and it had allsorts of lavender bushes, a very old cherry tree with a stone seat underneath, box hedges and rose bushes that she had planted over the years.
Lovely.
Then after we sold the house, the new owners bought it so that they could do one of those shitty grand designs modernise things and turn the loft space into something like an additional 4 bedrooms for visiting friends and family.
Cut a long story short theres now a massive septic tank buried where my mother was scattered and the memorial garden has been paved over as a route to a swimming pool.
My advice would be keep until you've made a decision, and scatter somewhere scenic away from home that they both enjoyed.
I have my mother and fathers ashes on the bookshelf at home.
Cheers,
Ben
..... for I have become the Jedi of flippers
" an extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife "
Which is exactly why the sprinkle at home is, whilst easiest, worrying me
I've had a quick look and there's a natural burial site not far from here in the Brecon Beacons.
Whilst not particularly relevant to them, it's a beautiful spot and one I'd be likely to visit again, so is a contender.
Yes, I would avoid as no matter how confident you are at the time, homes change hands and get developed/make way for motorways etc.
Mix it in .......... et voila!
https://youtu.be/e6mN9X2Ne2k
Do you have siblings who need to buy in to the solution? If not can you not just scatter them in your favourite place on a calm day.
Both my parents’ ashes are in a cemetery 10 miles away under an inscribed plaque, at some point in the future the surviving family members will have to decide whether to pay for them to stay, the ‘arrangement’ only lasts 25 years. My sister and I should review well in advance and explore the possibility of paying sonething now to secure another 25 years.
Never given this a thought till now, reading this thread is thought- provoking, I’ve found it an emotional read which is unusual for me.
I usually take a pragmatic view, I’m in the ‘once you’re gone you’re gone’ camp, but reading this has set me thinking. I tend to think remembrance is a state of mind, an exercise that can be carried out frequently or infrequently at any time or place, it’s very much in the mind of the individual. I think of my parents often but I don’t go in for the ritualised visit to the cemetery or put flowers on the grave. I often visit my dad’s favourite places because I like them, though I usually thing about dad whilst I’m there too. Now I’m feeling slightly guilty because I don’t have a similar place where I think about mum, maybe I should, maybe I should visit the cemetery more.
There’s clearly a practical issue for the OP to address, but it’s obviously a spiritual thing too. The drawbacks of putting ashes in a place that could be radically changed in the future have been explained well, I wouldn’t want that, so maybe the ‘scattering’ option is better.
Here’s my suggestion to the OP. If you can’t find a place that’s relevent for both, why not find a place that has strong meaning for you? Maybe some place where you enjoyed being with both of them in previous years? If it’s somewhere you still visit it will serve as a focal point for your remembrance, that’s something I can relate to.
On a lighter note, choose a still day if you go down the ‘scattering’ route. In one case the ashes were scattered at a spot on the deceased’s favourite country walk, the wind blew the wrong way and they ended up over a cows arse.........not quite the planned outcome!
Some creepy ideas here...like the tattoos... but maybe you'll find something that suits:
https://cremationinstitute.com/what-to-do-with-ashes/
What the OP may be looking for is a Columbarium.
There's plenty of info on Google.
______
Jim.
We had some of my sis-in-law's ashes made into a glass paperweight and which now resides on my wife's bedside table.
I've always thought it a good idea to have ashes scattered at sea because you can go to any shoreline to 'remember' the person.
Years ago my brother was travelling across the Mersey on the deck of the ferry when a group of people scattered the ashes of someone, however they didn't take into account the wind and as a result my brother got a facefull of the departed.
R
Ignorance breeds Fear. Fear breeds Hatred. Hatred breeds Ignorance. Break the chain.
Having tried to arrange the ashes from a plane for my uncle, I'll aim for something simpler!
Only me to sort it so no worries in that regard.
That’s a great thing to do. My lot have instructions to do the same with me
how about turning them into diamonds ??!!, least they will be worth something to future generations LOL
no affiliation but , here
https://www.lonite.co.uk/en/
My Mum left instructions that she was to be scattered at the Copper Horse in Windsor.
when checking we found this is not allowed in a Royal Park, so began ‘Operation Nan-Drop’
Come D-Day we all gathered in a local pub to begin the Operation, it soon turned into the wettest day on record, with monsoon conditions, so, her ashes came in useful to stop us falling A over T on the dangerously slippery ground :-)
‘’I’m glad we got away with it, but, in truth I’m unlikely to ever return to the scene, but I’m glad she is where she wanted to be.
PS the Undertaker can flog you a special cardboard tube for this very purpose!! @£30
Like a scene from "The Great Escape"..................
We scattered my mums ashes of the end of Paignton pier (she grew up there) biggest problem was when we opened the urn she was in a plastic bag with a cable tie, so ripping the bag to scatter the ashes was a bit.... rough?
We collected dads ashes in what the undertaker called a scatter tube, a nice tube with a twist off lid, poured him into a stream he used to walk the dog by every day.
It’s funny but I really thought of their ashes as them, when we collected mums I took them over dads to scatter the next day, put them on the kitchen table and went to bed, but felt bad and ended up moving them into the chair she always sat in.
I'm getting scattered in a particular spot in Snowdonia, which my wife knows, because it's a place I love. I guess it's also a spot that family could visit in the future. Was there anywhere in particular your parents like to go?
(On another note, I saw the thread title and thought "asking for a friend")
Dave E
Skating away on the thin ice of a new day
Dad’s ashes were scattered in a “garden of remembrance” at the crematorium. Earlier this year mother duly followed. My sister and I didn’t want to make a big deal of it either, I get your dad’s point.
They must have had a favourite holiday spot? Probably best not to overthink it tbh.
Good luck with it.
Taking this a bit left field, I have a vial of ashes being the mortal remains of a good friend who died and I took his Riley (it's the one in my avatar). His family asked that because he loved his Riley so much, when I come to rebuild it could I incorporate him into it somehow.
So, some two-pack epoxy, in they go, and voila! "Body" filler!
It actually gets much darker.
I was contacted by the family and asked to provide this Riley as a wedding car for my late friend's youngest daughter. There was great urgency re. the timing, but by pulling a few stunts I was able to recommission the car and did indeed take her from Eden Valley Hospice to her wedding and onwards to the reception. And yes, Dad came too, though I didn't tell anyone. I just thought it was fitting. She died the following week.
My brother and I did whistle that tune when taking our turn around the base of the statue swinging that tube from side to side!!Like a scene from "The Great Escape"..................
This^ as a retired Funeral Director my wish is to be scattered without ceremony at the Crem that i end up in and if my Wife wants to plant a rose tree in the garden so be it, we carry our memories with us.
I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
I'm happy to be chucked in the wheelie bin, but my missus had a fit when doing our wills so currently I'm scheduled for dumping into the Pacific!
Find your local parachute center and have someone release them in free fall. It creates a lovely cloud and then disappears. That’s how I’m going
RIAC
I think this is sound advice - no rush and take time to consider the various ideas in the thread (I expect some ideas will be more quickly dismissed than others!)
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For me. I lost my mum and dad within 2 years. Mum we decided to split between the chapel me and my wife got married in in Spain. As this was her favourite holiday destination of recent years. And the place she saw us marry not 6 month before her passing. The other half went to her favourite holiday destination as I was growing up. My dad was happy with this. And a small part a kept for our local cemetery..
Dad spoke a few times about wanting to be put with mum in Spain he said he wasn’t too bothered about Bridlington but wanted to be in Spain with mum.
He went unexpectedly and quickly and when it came to it I had a feeling I couldn’t leave mum in Bridlington without dad. They was always together and so had to be too in death so, dad joined mum in Spain and in Bridlington.
Currently there is a small amount of their ashes together in my home ready to go to our local cemetery or a local spot that I feel is right. Though for me now having some of them together at home is a bit of a comfort and sometimes I can sit and talk to them feeling them with me.
Sorry for the rambling but to answer. Find somewhere that meant something to them. Your memories will tell you when you find the place.
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Nightmare.
Unless that's what he wanted, of course.
Scattering the ashes is perhaps an important symbolic gesture that allows the appropriate finality. That would be my preference rather than keeping them in physical form, unless that contradicts the wishes of the relative.
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