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Thread: Best clean dad jokes please.

  1. #51
    A father takes his daughter to work who gets upset and started crying. The father asks why. Dad you said you worked with clowns.

  2. #52
    Journeyman
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    Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
    A. None.

  3. #53
    When I was younger I told my mum I would make a car out of spaghetti. When I grew up she couldn't believe it when I drove pasta.

  4. #54
    Master ryanb741's Avatar
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    I just got back from the Astronomer of the Year awards. I won a Constellation Prize.....

  5. #55
    “dad, can you make a noise like a frog”
    “Yes, son....why? “
    “Mum says that as soon as you croak she’s going to take me to Disneyland”

  6. #56
    Grand Master VDG's Avatar
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    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman ... oops, we are not allowed these any longer aren’t we.. Ok then, the past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
    Fas est ab hoste doceri

  7. #57
    Grand Master
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    what do you call a one eyed dinosaur..
    a dyathinkhesaurus

  8. #58
    Master TKH's Avatar
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    my favourite from Edinburgh 2019

    . “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'”

  9. #59
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    How do you stop an elephant from smelling?

    Tie a knot in it's trunk.
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  10. #60
    Where do fish keep their savings?

    In the river bank


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  11. #61
    Lorry full of tortoise smashed into a lorry full of terrapin


    Road got closed

    Turtle mess I can tell you




    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  12. #62
    Journeyman
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    “What do you call a three legged donkey”.....

    “Wonkey”
    😐

  13. #63
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    What’s red and white on the outside and grey and white on the inside?

    Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  14. #64
    What's an airline pilots favourite flavour of crisps?

    plane.

  15. #65
    Master Sinnlover's Avatar
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    How did Mr. Cheese paint his wife?

    He Double Gloucester.

  16. #66
    Master sish101's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sinnlover View Post
    How did Mr. Cheese paint his wife?

    He Double Gloucester.
    Yes, very good. Still chuckling.

    Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves

  17. #67
    Whats invisible and smells like bananas ?


    monkey farts.

  18. #68
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    Why do elephants travel in herds?

    Because if they travelled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  19. #69
    Apprentice
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    I was walking down the road and someone threw a large lump of cheddar at me...

    I should back "that's mature!"

    Sent from my ONEPLUS A6013 using Tapatalk

  20. #70
    Journeyman
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    A book fell on my head last night: I suppose I've only got my-shelf to blame.

    [My nearly 7 year old loves this one]
    Daughter: Knock Knock
    Class: Who's there?
    Daughter: The interupting cow
    Class: The inter..
    Daughter: [INTERRUPTING] MOOOOOoooo

    Knock Knock
    Who's there
    Eye done up
    Eye Done up who?
    I thought you smelled funny.

    Quote Originally Posted by Craizeehair View Post
    Why are Pirates called Pirates?

    Because they arrrrrr
    What's a Pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?

    You'd think it'd be aRrrrrrr... but it's actually the Ccccc...

  21. #71
    Journeyman
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    What’s E.T short for?


    Because he’s only got wee legs.

  22. #72
    Craftsman
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    Quote Originally Posted by mikeveal View Post
    Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
    A. None.
    that is like a bad version of a cracker joke

  23. #73
    Master Albellisimo's Avatar
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    A turd and a wig walk into a bar.




    Two pints please!


    You're barred. He's off his head and you're steaming!

  24. #74
    Master snowman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seadog1408 View Post
    Why aren't there any aspirins in the jungle?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    because the parrots eat em all (paracetamol)
    I remember the first time I heard that joke.

    One of my classmates (we were 14 or 15 at the time) asked our teacher, a German woman, not reknowned amongst us for her sense of humour.

    "A very good question", she replied and then he hit her with the punchline - She, for once, smiled

    M

  25. #75
    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No idea

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
    Still no idea

    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and on fire?
    Still no flaming idea


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  26. #76
    Why did the baker have brown fingers?

    Because he kneaded a poo....


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  27. #77
    Quote Originally Posted by Franky Four Fingers View Post
    What's pink and hard?...a pig with a flick knife
    What’s pink, wrinkly and hangs out your underwear?
    Your grannie


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  28. #78

    Best clean dad jokes please.

    Quote Originally Posted by verv View Post
    what do you call a one eyed dinosaur..
    a dyathinkhesaurus
    What do you call a dinosaur with piles?

    Megasore-arse


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  29. #79
    Quote Originally Posted by Paddy! View Post
    A book fell on my head last night: I suppose I've only got my-shelf to blame.
    Definitely one from the Sean Connery joke book.

    One in prep for Halloween

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Boo!
    Boo who?
    It's only me no need to cry about it!

    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Ach
    Ach who?
    Bless you, now open the door!

    What's brown and sticky?
    A bear covered in honey!

    What's black and white and read all over?
    A sunburnt penguin!

  30. #80
    Master
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    Statistically six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
    Last edited by JeremyO; 9th October 2019 at 20:56.

  31. #81
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?



    You can't dip an elephant in your tea!
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  32. #82
    Quote Originally Posted by mikeveal View Post
    Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
    A. None.
    That's more hard brexit than dad

  33. #83
    Master
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    I heard Pizza Express had folded.

    It’s now known as Calzone Express.

  34. #84
    Master
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    What's green, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree onto your head, it would kill you? Snooker table.

    Family of tomatoes walking along. Junior tomato lags behind. Daddy tomato turns round, stamps on junior and says 'catch up!'

    Following from the no eye deer... what do you call a bear with no ears? Anything you like, because he won't hear you.

    What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.

  35. #85
    Craftsman
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    Quote Originally Posted by jamiej View Post
    I was walking down the road and someone threw a large lump of cheddar at me...

    I should back "that's mature!"

    Sent from my ONEPLUS A6013 using Tapatalk

    Like the time my neighbor threw a liter of milk at me.

    HOW DAIRY!

  36. #86
    Craftsman
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    This is my step ladder.
    I never knew my real ladder.

  37. #87
    It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

  38. #88
    Journeyman Dean Learner's Avatar
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    Best clean dad jokes please.

    What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from jail?




    A small medium at large.
    Last edited by Dean Learner; 12th October 2019 at 02:16.

  39. #89
    What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
    Hello me!

  40. #90
    Grand Master hogthrob's Avatar
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    Where do you find a spider with no legs?


    Where you left it.

  41. #91
    Master sish101's Avatar
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    Two ladies knocked on my front door last night and started lecturing me on the benefits of eating brown bread.
    I think they were Hovis Witnesses

    Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves

  42. #92
    Craftsman Russ's Avatar
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    My wife says we need to talk about my childish behaviour.

    Like that's going to happen during conker season.....

  43. #93
    Grand Master hogthrob's Avatar
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    What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty seven year olds? Oh wait, that's not a suitable joke.

  44. #94
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    I went into our local library yesterday and asked if they had any books on paranoia.


    The librarian said "They're behind you!"
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  45. #95
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.


    She looked surprised.
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  46. #96
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  47. #97
    Grand Master Griswold's Avatar
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    What's yellow and can't swim?




    A JCB.
    Best Regards - Peter

    I hate being bipolar, its brilliant.

  48. #98
    Grand Master VDG's Avatar
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    Fas est ab hoste doceri

  49. #99
    I was having trouble keeping my racing snail competitive. He was losing every race. I took his shell off to reduce drag.

    Just made him more sluggish

  50. #100
    The origami World Championship is on the telly tonight, but I can't watch it.

    Its pay per view

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