Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A. None.
A father takes his daughter to work who gets upset and started crying. The father asks why. Dad you said you worked with clowns.
Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A. None.
When I was younger I told my mum I would make a car out of spaghetti. When I grew up she couldn't believe it when I drove pasta.
I just got back from the Astronomer of the Year awards. I won a Constellation Prize.....
“dad, can you make a noise like a frog”
“Yes, son....why? “
“Mum says that as soon as you croak she’s going to take me to Disneyland”
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman ... oops, we are not allowed these any longer aren’t we.. Ok then, the past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Fas est ab hoste doceri
what do you call a one eyed dinosaur..
a dyathinkhesaurus
my favourite from Edinburgh 2019
. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'”
How do you stop an elephant from smelling?
Tie a knot in it's trunk.
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
Where do fish keep their savings?
In the river bank
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Lorry full of tortoise smashed into a lorry full of terrapin
Road got closed
Turtle mess I can tell you
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“What do you call a three legged donkey”.....
“Wonkey”
😐
What’s red and white on the outside and grey and white on the inside?
Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
What's an airline pilots favourite flavour of crisps?
plane.
How did Mr. Cheese paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester.
Whats invisible and smells like bananas ?
monkey farts.
Why do elephants travel in herds?
Because if they travelled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
I was walking down the road and someone threw a large lump of cheddar at me...
I should back "that's mature!"
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A book fell on my head last night: I suppose I've only got my-shelf to blame.
[My nearly 7 year old loves this one]
Daughter: Knock Knock
Class: Who's there?
Daughter: The interupting cow
Class: The inter..
Daughter: [INTERRUPTING] MOOOOOoooo
Knock Knock
Who's there
Eye done up
Eye Done up who?
I thought you smelled funny.
What's a Pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?
You'd think it'd be aRrrrrrr... but it's actually the Ccccc...
What’s E.T short for?
Because he’s only got wee legs.
A turd and a wig walk into a bar.
Two pints please!
You're barred. He's off his head and you're steaming!
I remember the first time I heard that joke.
One of my classmates (we were 14 or 15 at the time) asked our teacher, a German woman, not reknowned amongst us for her sense of humour.
"A very good question", she replied and then he hit her with the punchline - She, for once, smiled
M
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and on fire?
Still no flaming idea
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Why did the baker have brown fingers?
Because he kneaded a poo....
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Definitely one from the Sean Connery joke book.
One in prep for Halloween
Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
It's only me no need to cry about it!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ach
Ach who?
Bless you, now open the door!
What's brown and sticky?
A bear covered in honey!
What's black and white and read all over?
A sunburnt penguin!
Statistically six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Last edited by JeremyO; 9th October 2019 at 20:56.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit?
You can't dip an elephant in your tea!
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
I heard Pizza Express had folded.
It’s now known as Calzone Express.
What's green, has six legs, and if it fell out of a tree onto your head, it would kill you? Snooker table.
Family of tomatoes walking along. Junior tomato lags behind. Daddy tomato turns round, stamps on junior and says 'catch up!'
Following from the no eye deer... what do you call a bear with no ears? Anything you like, because he won't hear you.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Last edited by Dean Learner; 12th October 2019 at 02:16.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Hello me!
Where do you find a spider with no legs?
Where you left it.
Two ladies knocked on my front door last night and started lecturing me on the benefits of eating brown bread.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
My wife says we need to talk about my childish behaviour.
Like that's going to happen during conker season.....
What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty seven year olds? Oh wait, that's not a suitable joke.
I went into our local library yesterday and asked if they had any books on paranoia.
The librarian said "They're behind you!"
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A JCB.
Best Regards - Peter
I'd hate to be with you when you're on your own.
I was having trouble keeping my racing snail competitive. He was losing every race. I took his shell off to reduce drag.
Just made him more sluggish
The origami World Championship is on the telly tonight, but I can't watch it.
Its pay per view