What was born to succeed?
A budgie with a blunt beak.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
My seven year old has to bring in an read a joke at school as part of her homework.
Thought I'd give her a few choices.
Let's hear 'em gents...
What was born to succeed?
A budgie with a blunt beak.
Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a packet of crisps.
The barman says, sorry, we don't serve food in here.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it wasn't peeling very well.
How many ears does Spock have?
3 - left ear, right ear and final frontier...
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?
Because they taste funny.
How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?
I'll tell you next week.
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Where do fish keep their savings?
In the riverbank.....
Why did the Skelton not go to the dance?
He had no body to go with....
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I had Wookiee for tea.It was chewy
What's the strongest animal in the world?
A snail because it can carry it's house on it's back.
My Granddaughters.....
What does a Cow go on holiday in?.
A Cowavan.
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because they arrrrrr
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
2 fish swimming next to each other, one smacks in to a brick wall.....he looks at his mate and says 'dam'
Whats yellow and deadly ?
Shark infested custard !!!!!
How did the pig get to hospital?
In a hambulance.
Cheers..
Jase
Why did the baker's hands smell?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?...a stick.
What's pink and hard?...a pig with a flick knife
How do you get 2 whales in a mini?....across the Severn bridge.
Two fish in a tank
One says to the other
‘How do you drive this thing?’
Two parrots on a perch
One says to the other
‘Can you smell fish?’
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
Whats a three legged donkey called?... a wonky.
I named my goldfish 'one' and 'two'... if one dies you still have two!
What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi
Why did the toilet paper, roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
How do you knew w that you have an elephant in the fridge? There’s a footprint in the butter.
I was walking down the road and a prawn cocktail hit me on the side of my head, that was just for starters.
Why aren't there any aspirins in the jungle?
.
.
.
.
.
.
because the parrots eat em all (paracetamol)
Why is the sand wet?
Because the seaweed.
Two snowmen standing in the garden. One says to the other "can you smell carrots?".
What cheese is MADE backwards?
EDAM!
Sorry, I know that was really cheesy! 😉
What's brown and rhymes with snoop ?
Dr Dre
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abi Dhabi do!
I got my boy to go up 'on stage' and tell that to the children's entertainer at the campsite we were on last year when he asked for kids to do a turn - got a bigger laugh from the parents than most of his gags and I could see him mentally adding it to his set as the laugh was still going!
What do you do if you find a trumpet stuck in the ground?
Root it oot!
(That one might sound better here in Scotland!)
At any given moment the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight"
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away