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Thread: Best clean dad jokes please.

  1. #1
    Master
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    Best clean dad jokes please.

    My seven year old has to bring in an read a joke at school as part of her homework.

    Thought I'd give her a few choices.

    Let's hear 'em gents...

  2. #2
    Master sish101's Avatar
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    What was born to succeed?

    A budgie with a blunt beak.

    Sent through the ether by diddling with radio waves

  3. #3
    Craftsman
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    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a packet of crisps.

    The barman says, sorry, we don't serve food in here.

    Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

  4. #4
    Master Mr Curta's Avatar
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    Why did the banana go to the hospital?

    Because it wasn't peeling very well.

  5. #5
    Master
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    How many ears does Spock have?

    3 - left ear, right ear and final frontier...

    Sent from my CLT-L09 using Tapatalk

  6. #6
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    Why don't cannibals eat clowns ?
    Because they taste funny.



    How do you keep an idiot in suspense ?
    I'll tell you next week.



    Sent from my OnePlus 6T using Tapatalk

  7. #7
    Where do fish keep their savings?

    In the riverbank.....

  8. #8
    Why did the Skelton not go to the dance?

    He had no body to go with....

  9. #9
    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick!

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Gyp View Post
    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick!
    Beat me to it... that’s my favourite!

  11. #11
    What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

    What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

    Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

  12. #12
    Craftsman
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    I had Wookiee for tea.It was chewy

  13. #13
    Master Caruso's Avatar
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    What's the strongest animal in the world?

    A snail because it can carry it's house on it's back.

  14. #14
    Grand Master
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    My Granddaughters.....

    What does a Cow go on holiday in?.

    A Cowavan.


  15. #15
    Why are Pirates called Pirates?

    Because they arrrrrr

  16. #16
    Master Mr Curta's Avatar
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    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

    A carrot.

  17. #17
    2 fish swimming next to each other, one smacks in to a brick wall.....he looks at his mate and says 'dam'

  18. #18
    Whats yellow and deadly ?
    Shark infested custard !!!!!

  19. #19
    Grand Master JasonM's Avatar
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    How did the pig get to hospital?
    In a hambulance.
    Cheers..
    Jase

  20. #20
    Craftsman
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    Why did the baker's hands smell?
    Because he kneaded a poo.

  21. #21
    Why won’t a bicycle stand up? It’s too tired.

  22. #22
    What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?...a stick.

  23. #23
    Grand Master learningtofly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shropshire Lad View Post
    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer and a packet of crisps.

    The barman says, sorry, we don't serve food in here.

    Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk
    A man walks into a bar with a reptile on his shoulder.

    ”I’ll have a pint, please, and a half for tiny” he says to the barman.

    ”Why do you call him tiny?”, the barman asks.

    ”Because he’s my newt.”

  24. #24
    What's pink and hard?...a pig with a flick knife

  25. #25
    How do you get 2 whales in a mini?....across the Severn bridge.

  26. #26
    Master badger1's Avatar
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    Two fish in a tank

    One says to the other

    ‘How do you drive this thing?’

  27. #27
    Master badger1's Avatar
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    Two parrots on a perch

    One says to the other

    ‘Can you smell fish?’

  28. #28
    Master
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    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No idea

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
    Still no idea

  29. #29
    Master Mr Curta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingKitega View Post
    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No idea

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
    Still no idea
    There's a third part to that one...

  30. #30
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Curta View Post
    There's a third part to that one...
    Haha true.. but won't qualify the 'clean' part for this thread.

  31. #31
    Craftsman
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    Whats a three legged donkey called?... a wonky.

    I named my goldfish 'one' and 'two'... if one dies you still have two!

    What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi

  32. #32
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by Franky Four Fingers View Post
    What's pink and hard?...a pig with a flick knife
    Probably not the ideal joke for a 7 yo!!!

  33. #33
    Journeyman
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    Why did the toilet paper, roll down the hill?

    To get to the bottom!

  34. #34
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by T1ckT0ck View Post

    What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror? Halloumi
    Some crackers so far!

    This is my current favourite.

  35. #35
    Craftsman Templogin's Avatar
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    How do you knew w that you have an elephant in the fridge? There’s a footprint in the butter.

  36. #36
    Craftsman
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    I was walking down the road and a prawn cocktail hit me on the side of my head, that was just for starters.

  37. #37
    Grand Master
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    Why aren't there any aspirins in the jungle?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    because the parrots eat em all (paracetamol)

  38. #38
    Master Mr Curta's Avatar
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    Why is the sand wet?

    Because the seaweed.

  39. #39
    Journeyman
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    Two snowmen standing in the garden. One says to the other "can you smell carrots?".

  40. #40
    Journeyman
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    What cheese is MADE backwards?

    EDAM!

    Sorry, I know that was really cheesy! 😉

  41. #41
    Why did the lion go in the wardrobe?

    Narnia business

  42. #42
    How do you get a farmer's daughter to like you?

    A tractor

  43. #43
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    What's brown and rhymes with snoop ?

    Dr Dre

  44. #44
    Grand Master JasonM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amnesia View Post
    What's brown and rhymes with snoop ?

    Dr Dre
    One of my most favourite jokes.
    Cheers..
    Jase

  45. #45
    Master Mr Curta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crazytrain View Post
    Why did the lion go in the wardrobe?

    Narnia business
    I like that one

  46. #46
    Craftsman
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    People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abi Dhabi do!

  47. #47
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Curta View Post
    I like that one
    I got my boy to go up 'on stage' and tell that to the children's entertainer at the campsite we were on last year when he asked for kids to do a turn - got a bigger laugh from the parents than most of his gags and I could see him mentally adding it to his set as the laugh was still going!

  48. #48
    Journeyman
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    What do you do if you find a trumpet stuck in the ground?

    Root it oot!

    (That one might sound better here in Scotland!)

  49. #49
    What's brown and sticky ?.






    A stick.

  50. #50
    Master animalone's Avatar
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    At any given moment the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight"
    Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

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