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Thread: Very bad joke...........

  1. #1
    Master
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    Very bad joke...........

    Apparently the residents of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but those of Abu Dhabi do.

    Don’t worry, I’m getting my coat.

  2. #2
    Grand Master SimonK's Avatar
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    Now you've got me started-

    Tonto sees The Lone Ranger riding along with a couple of binbags slung across his saddle. 'Where are you going, kemosahbee?' he asks. The Lone Ranger replies 'To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump'.

    Where does the Pink Panther come from?
    Durham.

    Durham,
    Durham, Durham, Durham,
    Durham, Durham,
    Durham.

  3. #3
    Master Thom4711's Avatar
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    Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

    One turns to the other and asks "do you smell fish?"

  4. #4
    I was feeling a bit down the other day, but my mate did his best to cheer me up.

    “It could be worse,” he said, “you could be down a big hole in the ground with water at the bottom.”

    I know he means well.

  5. #5
    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

    Badum tish! Thank you very much, I'm here all week.

    Cheers,

    Plug

  6. #6
    Two snowmen together....
    One says to the other.....
    Can you smell carrots?

  7. #7
    What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

    Ba-na-na-NAAA.



    A bartender says "we don't serve time-travelers here".

    Two time-travelers walk into a bar.
    Last edited by Mr Tetley; 29th June 2019 at 18:57.

  8. #8
    Craftsman
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Tetley View Post
    What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?

    Ba-na-na-NAAA.
    LMAO

  9. #9
    Master subseastu's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CardShark View Post
    I was feeling a bit down the other day, but my mate did his best to cheer me up.

    “It could be worse,” he said, “you could be down a big hole in the ground with water at the bottom.”

    I know he means well.
    Actually spat my cake out at that, very good.

  10. #10
    Journeyman
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thom4711 View Post
    Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

    One turns to the other and asks "do you smell fish?"
    Brilliant!

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Tetley View Post



    A bartender says "we don't serve time-travelers here".

    Two time-travelers walk into a bar.
    I'd tell you another joke about time travel however you didn't get it.

  12. #12
    Horse walks into a bar. The barman asks ‘why the long face?’

  13. #13
    Grand Master VDG's Avatar
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    Two nuns are in the bath.

    Nun 1: Where's the soap?

    Nun 2: It does, doesn’t it.
    'When you attack the person and not the argument, you’ve already lost the argument' - Leon Trotsky.

  14. #14
    Master
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    A man goes to see the doctor and tells him he can't pronounce his F's, T's and H's.
    The doctor says, "Well, you can't say fairer than that then".

  15. #15
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    A good pal of mine’s just got engaged to a pencil.

    He couldn’t wait to introduce me to his bride 2B

  16. #16
    Grand Master SimonK's Avatar
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    Two monkeys in the bath
    First monkey: ooh aah ooh ooh aah
    Second monkey: well put some more cold in then!

  17. #17
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    What do you call a judge with no fingers?

    Justice thumbs.

  18. #18
    Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Matt8500 View Post
    Horse walks into a bar. The barman asks ‘why the long face?’
    Polar Bear walks into a bar and says - "please can i have a .................................................. .................................................. ......................pint of bitter?"




    Barman says, "why the big paws?"

  20. #20
    Master Sinnlover's Avatar
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    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
    One looks at the other and goes Mooooooo
    They other looks back and say “you b@st@rd I was going to say that”.

  21. #21
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    William Shakespeare walks into a bar.
    The barman yells get out you’re Bard !!!


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  22. #22
    Master
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    Late one night at the insane asylum one patient shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
    A person in another room said, "How do you know?" The first patient said, "God told me!"
    Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

  23. #23
    What do you call a man with no shins?

    Tony.

  24. #24
    Master
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    Public notice on the local church hall.

    "Time travellers club:
    Next meeting, last Thursday"

  25. #25
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    The lone Ranger and Tonto are surrounded by a scouting party of Cherokees

    "how are we going to get out of this one?" says the Lone Ranger
    "What do you mean we? paleface" replies Tonto

  26. #26
    What do you call a 3 legged Donkey ? A Wonky.....

  27. #27
    Master Wolfie's Avatar
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    A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub.
    
    The barman says "What can I get you Mr Corbyn?"

  28. #28
    Master KavKav's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfie View Post
    A Russian spy, an IRA supporter and a racist walk into a pub.
    
    The barman says "What can I get you Mr Corbyn?"

    !

  29. #29
    Master yumma's Avatar
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    What do you call a bloke with a rabbit up his ar$e?

    Warren

  30. #30
    Craftsman
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    What do you call a lady with Slate on her head?

    Ruth


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  31. #31
    Master Harry Smith's Avatar
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    Man with a paper bag on his head?
    Russell

    - - - Updated - - -

    Man with a spade in his head?
    Dug

  32. #32
    Master Harry Smith's Avatar
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    Man with a wooden head?
    Edwood

    Man with 3 wooden heads?
    Edwood Woodwood

  33. #33
    Master Mr Curta's Avatar
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    I once tried to make a belt out of watches all linked together, but it turned out to be a waist of time.

  34. #34
    Master yumma's Avatar
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    What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?

    Eileen

  35. #35
    Craftsman thefatboy's Avatar
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    A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe.

    "Pint of lager please and ten pints for the giraffe."

    He sups his pint while the giraffe slurps down his ten pints in record time and slumps to the floor.

    The man turns to leave and the barman says, "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

    The man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
    Last edited by thefatboy; 2nd July 2019 at 09:56.

  36. #36
    Craftsman
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    Two oranges walk in a bar, one says to the other, 'your round.'

  37. #37
    Master yumma's Avatar
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    Two bits of string walk into a bar, the Landlord throws them out immediately saying we don't serve string in here.

    They go outside and one piece of string says to the other "quick tie yourself up and we'll try again".

    The two bits of string walk back in and the barman immediately says "aren't you that piece of string I threw out a minute ago"?

    The string replies "No, I'm A frayed knot"

  38. #38
    Master steptoe's Avatar
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    Life is like a box of chocolates . Both don't last long if you're a lard arse.

    Jewish dilemma = Free pork.

  39. #39
    Craftsman Go Big's Avatar
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    A man gets in to a taxi and says, "King Arthur's Close".

    Taxi driver replies, " Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights".

  40. #40
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by steptoe View Post

    Jewish dilemma = Free pork.

    Funny? No, just shameful.

  41. #41
    Master
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    King of dad jokes:

    https://youtu.be/PdcNfDhCukI

  42. #42
    Craftsman
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    Quote Originally Posted by Harry Smith View Post
    Man with a paper bag on his head?
    Russell

    - - - Updated - - -

    Man with a spade in his head?
    Dug
    A man without a spade in his head?

    Douglas


    Sent from my iPhone using TZ-UK mobile app

  43. #43
    Journeyman
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    I've recently been dating a homeless woman and things seem to be getting pretty serious.


    She's asked me to move out with her.

  44. #44
    Craftsman
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    Two guys were talking over the garden fence. One says to the other, I've been having trouble with my memory, so have been taking classes to help me remember things. How does that work then? Well the chap says, you use word association to remember. The second guy says "Go on then, show me".

    So the 1st chap says - "what flower do you get on valentines day and the stalk has prickly bits on it". The other guy says "Rose".

    The first chap, says that's correct and turns to his wife and says "Rose, what are our grandchildren names"

  45. #45
    Master steptoe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seabiscuit View Post
    Funny? No, just shameful.
    As told to me by a fully fledged Rabbi. So you know what you can do with your outrage.

  46. #46
    Master chrisb's Avatar
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    A man with a car on his head?

    Jack.

    with a gull?

    Cliff.

  47. #47
    What did Montgomery say before his men got into their tanks?

    Men....








    ... get into your tanks!

  48. #48
    Master theoriginaldigger's Avatar
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    A Third Rate Comedian, a Racist and a Fat Bald Guy walk into a pub ...

    The Barman says "what can I get you Mr Djalili" ?

  49. #49
    Craftsman
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    What do you call a man standing in between 2 houses?
    Ally


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  50. #50
    Master Wolfie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CardShark View Post
    What did Montgomery say before his men got into their tanks?

    Men....








    ... get into your tanks!
    Love it !!!

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