Reply With QuoteGet used to it, being a parent is a lifetime of guilt!
Bit of a more serious/sombre topic but would be good to get some opinions.
My 10 month old is off to creche next month, my better half's maternity leave is up and she has to go back for at least 6 months.
Before he was born, we discussed all this and it was agreed and we were happy with the plan. Most people we know send their kids to creche after maternity leave.
Now we have gotten to know him over the last year, it all of a sudden doesn't feel right, he feels too small.
Of course, hes not too small, hes almost walking, figuring out some basic words and causing fantastic trouble wherever he goes!
But I still feel guilty, like i should earn more to prevent the need for my wife to work.
It could however all be worry for nothing and after a few weeks it becomes normal.
Has any dads here faced this, how did you deal with it and how did it work out?
And just to take the seriousness off the post a little, the young fella just farted, and laughed at it!
Get used to it, being a parent is a lifetime of guilt!
Our girl has been at nursery/pre-school since 3 months, wife only got 6 weeks maternity plus 6 weeks unpaid, have to say it helps the kid to learn faster going to nursery, and how to act around children, they have to do it at some point, the later they do it the more they have to learn from what i've seen.
Agree with ArGee. They really benefit from some time away from mum/dad. It’ll be a great thing for him to do, and I’m sure you’ll both soon grow to love the time to yourself!
Our little lady is nearly 5 months and I’m quite looking forward to her starting crèche .
Socialising with peers at that age is one of the most important things a child can do. Don't feel guilty, give yourself a pat on the back!
Yep, and then start loving having a birthday party every weekend at some horrific softplay centre!Originally Posted by Dave O'Sullivan
I disagree, my wife didn’t go back after maternity leave and we saw a positive difference between our daughters development and others who were put into nursery / crèche. She still got lots of time with kids her age but the wife was there until she was 3.
Now she’s almost 19, she’s so much more secure in her attitude to life than many others. Whether this has to do with her one on one with her mum, who knows?
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My wife only had 6 weeks of maternity leave when our sons were born (now almost 19 yrs ago). Both boys went to the crèche after that period. I remember that my wife was in tears when she left the oldest in the hands of the professionals and walked home from the crèche. (I don't know the correct word for people working there). No tears when she did the same two years later with our youngest. Our boys had a wonderful time there! When they went to primary school we changed to 'after school care'. Again, a perfect time. When you think that you've chosen the perfect crèche for your kid: go for it!
Menno
Both my boys went into nursery at a year old, and it was a positive experience for both. They learn to be around other kids, make friends, and generally have a brilliant time. Don’t feel guilty, honestly both of mine (now 9 and 6) enjoyed it and made friends they still have.
I'm about to go through similar experience with our second. For what it's worth, our first loved nursery and it has socialised him very well so he is comfortable with all kinds of other people and makes friends easily, by stark contrast to my sister's daughter who has only stayed at home with her and can't manage for a minute without her mother, nor really engage with anyone else. However this is purely anecdotal and all parents and children are different.
I would say though that even if you earned more, would your wife want to give up work/sacrifice her career anyway? I know mine would not and it is not even a question of balancing the books now compared to the saved cost of childcare, but rather the potential loss of earnings over a working lifetime as it can be difficult to re enter the workplace after looking after children for years. Everyone approaches this differently, but I'm sure your wife has a view, perhaps she is desperate to give up work!
My wife doesn’t work, but we still sent our youngest to nursery 3 days a week (school hours) so that he could learn social skills and interaction as well as independence (as much as you can get at that age).
Can only say it did him good. Keeping them mollycoddled for too long does them no favours in the end and is often more for the benefit of the parent than the child
Great to hear all the positive stories, much appreciated it folks!
It makes facing it a lot easier. I'll be the one dropping him off, facing the tears so not looking forward to that, however Im not sure if id be more hurt if he just ran in and didn't look back (of course that would be the ideal)!
My wife's view is that its very difficult, she's already feeling lonely, but she has a tiny flicker of relief at getting back to a normal life and earning money, although she may take a 3 day week if she can get it for a year.
Last edited by Wilson_smyth; 7th April 2019 at 19:22.
Is there any way you can make a scenario with your wife working 3 days work?
I know that for many parents it is extremely difficult or indeed impossible to go down to part-time hours but personally, I think we would struggle if our daughter was in nursery full time.
Noble…. We need to work and your little one will be A OK 👍🏼 …. It’s not easy…. Why should it be?
An observation…
As a full time single dad of many years experience (now happily remarried for the last 8 years)…. Why assume that you should be the second string…. Be open the possibility that equally your wife could earn more to allow you to care…. As us blokes are pretty damn good at it!
My youngests school has a mother’s day assembly each year…. It’s lovely for the mums…. Do they repeat it for the dads? Of course they don’t…
We’re not the second string/ back up parent…!
Last edited by Wolfie; 7th April 2019 at 19:56.
It will get harder before it gets easier! Nothing can compare to the guilt you’ll feel when you drop him off and he cries and reaches out for you...you’ll want to scoop him up and take him straight home! But as others have said, he’ll enjoy it and I think it’s good that they interact with other children from an early age. After a while mine would cry when I came to collect them 🙄
- - - Updated - - -
True dat 😂😂
We can, it's down to her place of work to authorize it. We've asked them, but a few mums on the team are already on 3 day weeks so it might not be fesable. They review it annually so might have to wait for 6 months.
Arghh. Having to make small talk with Keith, an accounts manager from the local council who wears colourful Berghaus jackets and walking boots. He doesn't follow Sport and listens to Radio 4.
Normally the sort of human you'd cross the motorway to avoid but yet here you are, forced to tattle out polite conversation about the contra-flow through the high street because by chance, both your wives gave birth in the same year.
He probably won't even nick one of the little pizza slices when the other parents aren't watching.
My wife didn’t return to work as we’d planned a 5 year gap and curbed our spending to make it work. When our second was born unexpectedly with Downs it made a practical return even harder. Once both boys were at school they blossomed in confidence - in fact I remember them both running in with a quick wave and barely a glance back whilst lots of other children burst into tears! Now my boys are 18 and 16 I can’t believe how quickly they grow up. I know everyone has different financial and other pressures, but I’m glad we had less money and more time with the boys - time is something you just can’t buy. I might add we didn’t have any foreign holidays at all whilst the boys were small (admittedly having a child with Downs and autism isn’t conducive to travel) but if you are prepared to make sacrifices you can achieve a good balance. In response to another poster, I’d agree as a Dad you can also contribute more. I went self employed for a while which meant I could share childcare a bit and attend a lot of Hospital appointments for our youngest. Looking back I’m glad I adapted and spent more time with my boys than most young Dads - ok with a disabled child life threw us a curveball but we all made the most of it! Good luck in whatever you decide. The fact you’re discussing it makes for a very good start!!
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My daughter started going every day at a couple of months old. No guilt about it and she's a cracking well adjust social 14 year old now.
What Dave said. Hard at first but so good for their development and social skills.
They’ll have a blast and make lots of friends.
This!
My son was in from 9-10mnths and within a day or two if he did not go he was not happy. He really enjoyed all the additional interaction and stimulus and now is very well adjusted when dealing with other kids. Best thing ever for kids.
Sound like you have the issue in wanting more one on one time. Nothing wrong with that either :)
Forgot to add, most of nordics (which is where we were) works with kids going in from 9mnths. They are known for having one of the best systems in the world (rightly) for young ones.
This basically. Best of luck.Get used to it, being a parent is a lifetime of guilt!
Been there, had the same fears - our little girl went to creche at 13 months & loves it. Be prepared for a tough few weeks at the start as they need to adjust - our daughter cried when being dropped off (but seemed to be fine once we were out of sight). Stayed like this for 4-6 weeks. Now she loves it, and it has brought her on so much in her development......even if we had a billion in the bank, I would still want her in creche from a development point of view.
Some other items which haven’t been mentioned - kids seem to catch every sickness going when they start creche, and bring it home! I found it tough when the wife went back to work as I had to get more involved by doing the morning drop-off etc......thought I had been involved before that, but it really is a step-up. If your wife is thinking of a 3 day week, just be sure she doesn’t end up doing 5 days of work for a 3 day wage.
Best of luck, you will be fine, you wife will be fine, and most importantly so will baby!
How did she only get 6 weeks maternity and 6 weeks unpaid? Why not take 6 months statutory?
Socialising with peers… at 10 months old? Hilarious
If you're planning to have children you should plan to raise them and look after them, not farm them off to a room full of strangers before they're barely off mother's milk.
If you can afford a creche/nursery/childminder you can afford to stay off work and look after them.
Boils my blood when so many of our kids' friends' parents try to use us as free childcare. Some of them don't get to see their kids from 8am to 8pm. Why did you bother procreating? Oh I see … you felt it was the right thing to do but your career is more important.
It seems to be an unpopular viewpoint on this thread, but nothing will prepare a child better for life than quality time with their own parents. Having children is a lifetime commitment, not a fecking lifestyle choice.
Our youngest is still in nursery a couple of days a week he loves it as did the older 2 who are now in school, we where quite lucky to be able for the Mrs not to work if we wanted but still chose nursery for a couple of days a week like many others I believe it’s great for their social skills and their immune system which you’ll soon learn all about lol. Each to their own but for us it was more about giving them that interaction with other people and children, the down sides are the birthday parties, the bugs that they shrug off but wipe you out, the cost to a point and at first a little bit of guilt but I felt the benefits far outway all of these.
What struck me is how fast they have them learning no doubt helped massively by aping other children who may be a bit further on age wise, according to teachers they can really tell the difference between those who’ve been to preschool/ nursery and those that haven’t.
My youngest has Asperger. Something we found out when he was 5, 6 yrs/old. Of course, we'd noticed things when he was younger and in daycare. In hindsight, I'm glad he went to daycare: he had to interact with others and that would not have been the case when he would have been at home all the time. Going to school at the age of 4 wasn't too difficult for him because he'd learned to interact with others. Now, at the age of nearly 17, he's able to interact, make friends and enjoys the company of others. It all interconnects like a chain from his early days up to this day.
He was a very bad sleeper: always awake, even when he was a few days old. It wore him out, it wore us out. He only slept in his pram when we went for a walk or an afternoon in the garden. In the daycare centre, they came up with a radical solution. Historically (19th century and early 20th century), young Dutch children from poor parents had to come with their parents, working the land. Back then, parents put their newly-borns in a sort of chicken coop on a wheelbarrow (...) and they did remarkably well when sleeping. Nowadays, these tiny houses are used for children with sleeping deficits. The daycare people suggested a test-and-try period in one of those sleeping-coops. Guess what, he slept like a log. Since then, we used to open his bedroom window as wide as possible (weather permitting). It work perfectly.
Long anecdote, but just saying that -in our case- it's good that someone has a clear view!
Menno
Pic from the internet.
My wife didn’t go back to work until our youngest was 10 years old and even then, she took jobs that would fit around the kids school hours and half terms. She refused to send our kids to what she called 'baby farms'. Luckily we were (just) about able to afford it but it wasn’t easy. We became grandparents for the first time this year and already our son and his partner are making plans for her to return to work part time later this year through financial necessity. How times change - now our kids are in their thirties and have long left home, we have both got jobs that fit around our.............dog!
It is very hard on parents at times, my oldest caused my wife (who dropped her) so much heartbreak. She use to cry when she was dropped off and it was hard for my wife to leave her, I dropped her a few times and it is difficult to walk away from a crying child! But we knew she would stop within a few minutes of us leaving and she always had a fun day when you asked her at pick up. We feel it has made her much stronger as a child and more confident, she is now at school and I dread to think what she would have been like if she stayed at home and then gone straight into school.
Our 2nd child is totally different, she just gives us a kiss on the drop off and runs into the room to play with her friends (shes 2 and a half) and is mega happy on the pick up.
I believe it helps children a great deal in nursery, builds so many skills, they help with potty training, development etc. The most important part I find is nursery gets them ready for school, suddenly going from every day with mum at home to school days a week at 4 must be hard, where a few days at nursery / pre-school will help no end. The key is finding a good nursery, we have some friends and from what they say their nurseries are terrible and the children do not learn much.
Our son went to nursery part time and I had him at home with me part of the time due to working shifts at the time.
He then went to a playgroup full time.
My wife was sacked for being pregnant with our daughter, and she decided to be a stay at home mum, she used to run one of the rooms at the nursery our son attended.
Practically everyday they would go to some group or other, then the wife went back to uni and so we used a combination of a child minder and play group as we couldn't find a nursery locally that we were happy with, we found one we liked but it was a little too far to be workable with work/uni/our son.
Visit several nurserys get a feel for them and then pick the one that you prefer, if your happy with where your child is it will make it easier.
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Couldn't agree more.
My first son went into the creche crying his eyes out when i dropped him off every single day for three months, it broke my heart each time and eventually he got used to it.
Second son loved it but was quite unhappy with the food. By then my mother-in-law had retired and lives nearby and offered to look after him (read spoil him to death)
now guess which one is the fussy eater and doesn't eat his veg
Last edited by Xantiagib; 11th April 2019 at 15:30.
Interesting view point with a fair few assumptions thrown in. All sounds a bit judgey judgey.How did she only get 6 weeks maternity and 6 weeks unpaid? Why not take 6 months statutory?
Socialising with peers… at 10 months old? Hilarious
If you're planning to have children you should plan to raise them and look after them, not farm them off to a room full of strangers before they're barely off mother's milk.
If you can afford a creche/nursery/childminder you can afford to stay off work and look after them.
Boils my blood when so many of our kids' friends' parents try to use us as free childcare. Some of them don't get to see their kids from 8am to 8pm. Why did you bother procreating? Oh I see … you felt it was the right thing to do but your career is more important.
It seems to be an unpopular viewpoint on this thread, but nothing will prepare a child better for life than quality time with their own parents. Having children is a lifetime commitment, not a fecking lifestyle choice.
He will be fine, they all react differently to it. My 15 year old best friend was the boy he met first day at nursery and even though they go to different schools still in touch every day. Number 3 took a few days to settle and the other 2 enjoyed it. With all we had a week where we took them for a few hours a day to get them used to it. With number 4 he only went 3 days a week and he complained he missed things when he was not there. There are pros and cons to nursery and being at home, we tried not to make the days too long, some did 7 to 7. We typically would do a breakfast at home day and I would take them later or an early pick up. But I am lucky as I can very my hours.
Good luck with the transition and you and you wife will work it out, to find what’s best for you and them! And it probably won’t be the same as all of us, as we are all different!
It's not always about affordability. We CHOSE to send out children to nursery. They ARE socialising with their peers. It IS important. It DOES make a difference.How did she only get 6 weeks maternity and 6 weeks unpaid? Why not take 6 months statutory?
Socialising with peers… at 10 months old? Hilarious
If you're planning to have children you should plan to raise them and look after them, not farm them off to a room full of strangers before they're barely off mother's milk.
If you can afford a creche/nursery/childminder you can afford to stay off work and look after them.
My wife has never returned to work in any real capacity since the kids were born yet surprisingly enough, sending them to a place where they can interact with other children their age did them no harm. As you say, it falls to the parent to raise their children. I consider it my responsibility to give them a well rounded, sociable start in life.
Quite interesting reading,
http://www.hanen.org/Helpful-Info/Ar...ldrens-de.aspx
https://www.livestrong.com/article/7...-children-day/
Of course every child is different as is every family and day care/creche also, so it seems there is no hard and fast definitive path to the best outcome.
Way more feedback than i expected, the majority of which is highly positive, with creche being a beneficial option that people will chose even if work wasn't an issue.
Really appreciate it, one reasons why TZ UK is more than just a forum to discuss man jewelry!
Ive read the thread through half a dozen times and it makes me smile each time. You're all sound lads!
Talking with my wife, creche is something we would do regardless of financial situation
We picked the creche, its really nice, great food one carer between 2 children, relatively close to home, so it's really ticking a lot of boxes.
We just want to make sure the little fella just is not there for too long, but thats something we can only work out when in the thick of it by balancing work schedules.
Doesnt help that Im about to change companies, maybe i didnt plan that well, but such is life.
Want to get stuck in now and see how it all plays out!
My son went to nursery from the age of about one and while it was heartbreaking leaving him there, he's developed into a very confident three-and-a-half-year-old. He plays well with other children and is a good kid. In our group of NCT families (five now), the two children in pre-school (kids more up from nursery to pre-school at about the age of three) are a proper handful, one (in one day per week) is a completely nightmare and the other (in two days per week) has a lot of tantrums and always wants his way. Both struggle to adjust to not being the centre of attention and need constant supervision. Curiously both mothers are teachers, but I think a gulf has grown between the three children who go to pre-school every day and the two who don't. Our daughter will be in nursery from the end of the summer, my wife will struggle at the end of maternity leave but it's the best thing for the girl.
"A man of little significance"
We were going to put our daughter into nursery as my wife really enjoyed her job and it took her a long time to get into that certain field of work. However once her maternity was up I left the decision up to her and she chose to leave her job as she wanted to be with our daughter until she starts preschool. I'm glad she did because she enjoys the time so much and has such a close bond with her, plus our daughter is now bilingual as my wife only speaks to her in her language.
I don't think feeling guilty is abnormal but unfortunately if that's what is required to pay the bills then you have to take it on the chin. As long as you're happy they're well looked after and happy in themselves then I wouldn't worry. It's certainly not going to do them any harm! Just enjoy the weekends as much as possible. That said, I'm firmly in the camp of don't have children if you're not willing to put the work in to care for them and it makes my blood boil when people try and constantly farm their children off to others at weekends so they can have their "me time".
FWIW neither me or my siblings went to nursery or preschool and we turned out OK (I think) as did most of my friends and family. The notion that you should send your children to nursery as early as possible to socialise with others is what parents tell themselves to massage their conscience for offloading their children. You can take your children to playgroups, parks etc for free without spending £50-60 a day.
When my mother was pregnant with my sister, her company did the same thing so she took them to the employment tribunal and won. They had to offer her old job back, plus flexible hours.
I like the way you qualified your statement about turning out OK.
"A man of little significance"
I guess people who foist their kids onto strangers like to believe they are "socialising" them and doing their best to assuage their guilt.
My niece works at a nursery and she doesn't believe having your kids looked after for very long days by young girls on minimum wage is a particularly good idea either.
As soon as my Wife had our first child she gave up work to spend quality time with our son. We had another couple of boys after that and contrary to popular belief all have turned out well rounded and successful chaps without the help of all day nursery/creches.
It may sound harsh but I think many women nowadays like to put their children into nurseries as it is easier just to go to work than the extremely difficult job of child rearing which is of course best left to strangers.
Cheers,
Neil.
'...massaging their conscience...' and '...to assuage their guilt.'
I can't speak for anyone else but I have no need to massage my conscience or any guilt to assuage when it comes to choices I've made for my children. My wife and I found a nursery with excellent staff and have been really happy with it.
"A man of little significance"
Quick question, why should raising children be left to women?
What’s with the onus on the wife looking after children?
My parental leave ends in a months time, then my son will be starting nursery at 9 months old. I think he’ll have a great time and don’t feel guilty for having to work!
Maybe because most are of a certain age where women didn’t work or indeed vote ;)
In my case specifically its down to monetary constraints. My field of work pays quite a bit more than hers. Its got nothing to do wtih gender, I simply ended up in a field that pays well, relative to the one she ended up in.
Basic economics for us, nothing more nefarious.
I personally found breast feeding quite difficult!
But on a serious note, the traditional husband breadwinner /wife caregiver roles worked fine for us (thrice). Sometimes I was glad to get out of the door when the kids were creating! My wife was much more sympathetic.
Of course men can raise children but you only have to look in these much vaunted nurseries, they are all young girls who look after the kids.
Kudos to any man who raises kids on his own, I know how demanding it can be.
Cheers,
Neil.
Nope, you're guessing again.
"A man of little significance"
Why have kids and then pass them off to someone else?
The trick is to find the right creche or childminder. We looked at loads until we settled on one that suited - small childminder, with a waiting list and kids running about really enjoying themselves. Some of the creches we looked at were like North Korean detention centres, so we didn't opt for those
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