Raising kids: helping them or taking a step back...

[thieuster]

There's a slight chance that this will be a Mumsnet-ish posting. But nevertheless, it's something parents encounter: when do you take a step back?

Let me explain:

Stoneyloon wrote the 'Staying out in Scotland...' threat. Well, first let me tell you that I think that I would be very proud when one of my kids would show so much interest and kindness in humans and humanity! Congrats to his daughter and himself. My first reaction would also be his: make sure that my kid is as comfortable as can be. And that will involve spending money. My second reaction is (and what I wrote earlier today): let her choose herself!

But that's very easy saying, sitting here behind a keyboard, reading and writing about someone I don't know in person!

I've been in a lot of situations where my money / time / car came to the rescue for the well-being of my children. All because I think it will help them: I am sure that a few forumites recognise this situation. But is it really helpful for our kids? At what point did you (do you) decide "...nope, they have to find a solution themselves!" Not as a result of a quarrel with the youngsters, but mainly as a guideline for you to make sure that your kids take the next step in becoming an adult.

Discuss please.

[RobDad]

If my eldest son decided to do something like sleeping rough to highlight the plight of the homeless and raise some money, I don’t think I’d be trying to buy him cold weather gear. I’d just leave him to it, surely that’s the point? - and if I tried to throw money at him to give him a cosy nights sleep, I’m sure he’d tell me he’d rather I donate the money to charity. I know that’s easy to say, but I just can’t imagine being that over-protective. Mind you my eldest son is 17, over 6 feet tall and pretty stocky, I’m sure he’d be looking for an authentic experience and could manage a night and use his own common sense.
I will say this is no dig at the chap whose daughter is actually sleeping rough - I’m just thinking out loud, his daughter is actually doing it and I take my hat off to her. But personally I’d be a bit less protective and just let my lad get on with it.


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[Omegamanic]

I think you should help them as much as possible. Once you have shown them how to solve problems as they arise they will be much better equipped to deal with similar situations without any input. If you haven’t shown them, and/or they haven’t learnt sufficiently from elsewhere you are simply setting them up to fail.

Buying decent kit is a bloody good idea - it shows that they should select the best tools for the job. Lots of organisations ensure that very good kit is provided to the homeless.

In the scenario being discussed - what’s the main outcome. To experience what the worst equipped homeless person has to go through for a night, or to highlight their plight and gain some exposure to a cause - if it’s the first, then fair enough - tell them to crack on and tough it out; but if it’s the second, then they will achieve just as much being more comfortable.

[thieuster]

Be careful judging Stoneloon's initial plan. I don't want this threat to become a something like that!! And I only named his plan as an example of my (similar) thoughts.

It's about the moment you're at a crossroad with several 'ways': "...do I endorse my kid's project with MY time / money because I want to support my child" or "... the best support is NOT to endorse with time or money - that's a better support."

I personally have lots of trouble identifying that moment and secondly: committing that's better to take a step back.

Menno

[Passenger]

Personally I lavish my time on my son, but he's got sens so it's a bit different, nevertheless as another poster wrote, the objective is the same, to try and make your child as capable, confident and content as possible, so I do try and step back where it's practical/realistic/safe to do so, though easier said than done.
Also imo we're 'cultured' to believe money and the spending of it is the answer to all problems/key to happiness so that presents an ongoing challenge/conundrum.

[Omegamanic]

Be careful judging Stoneloon's initial plan. I don't want this threat to become a something like that!! And I only named his plan as an example of my (similar) thoughts.

It's about the moment you're at a crossroad with several 'ways': "...do I endorse my kid's project with MY time / money because I want to support my child" or "... the best support is NOT to endorse with time or money - that's a better support."

I personally have lots of trouble identifying that moment and secondly: committing that's better to take a step back.

Menno

I would just say that helping a little more than is needed is a lot better that helping a little bit less.

Ive always found it better working with managers who could show the way and give examples, so that I could use those as tools in future and learn from their experience and experiences, as opposed to the managers who always left you to work it out by yourself. I try to adopt a similar approach with any reporting staff I have today.

[raptor]

I will be there for them no matter what.
I fear that the easiness we provide them with everything though and the technological era will hurt them in ways that will be very difficult to deal with

As Simon Sinek well said
https://binged.it/2DMBXRx

[stoneyloon]

I think a lot of it has to do with the kid.
My daughter is not exactly street smart and I’m guessing a lot on here have kids who are the same.
It’s for that reason, I tried to get her to move into halls when she went to (local) university. She’s still at home though as both her and her mum thought staying at home made more sense!

It’s a tough one but tough love is needed at times so based on that, other than Jimp’s mat, she’ll be using what she has herself for the sleepout....


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[jpjsavage]

We have five kids, currently aged between 11 and 24. To state the obvious, they are all individuals and have to be treated as such. Call me old fashioned, but I think their gender comes into this a bit. Similarly, I think my wife and I would have differing views on this that have to be worked out.

That said, my view is that this a gradual process, the speed of which varies (for complex reasons), but I think it is our duty as parents to raise confident, informed and independent young adults who can make their own way in this world without depending on us as parents. If their dependence on us continues throughout their 20s I think we have gone wrong somewhere. For clarity, I don't principally mean financial independence.

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[draftsmann]

The greatest gift we can give our children is to instil resilience and self-reliance. Sadly the inability of many members of “generation Millenial” to wipe their own backsides unassisted is the fault of parents continuing to do it for them.