Reply With QuoteDig up the patio.
Hi guys,
Very new to this but as the title says I have no idea where to start.
Any advice would be appreciated on here or via PM.
No children involved, mortgaged house together.
Where to start??
Dig up the patio.
Mediation? Or is it too late?
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To late,it's come as big surprise to be honest.
Do a search in the forum
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Store your pics and old photos safely. No kidding.
Precisely a similar situation like yours has caused that I cannot post in the 'Post an old photo...'-thread! I don't have any pre-1996 (divorce year) pics anymore. It may sound weird, but -after all these years- the absence of pic irritates me more than the wheel barrel-full-of-money that it has costed me.
M
Been there too. Try and keep it as civil as possible is my advice.
Bite your tongue, be civil, be fair - get it sorted out ASAP. Then you can publically voice whatever opinions you like.
Personally, I wouldn’t get solicitors involved in the divorce itself if it can helped.
It's just a matter of time...
^^^ this indeed ^^^Originally Posted by Omegamanic
Make sure that someone is looking over your shoulder; emotions will take over at a certain point; you'll give in or stand your ground too long, too hard and you will regret it. Some sort of coaching or neutral comment is very helpful. The absence of children makes things a lot easier. When it's over, it's over. You're not connected to your ex through your kids or... having to listen to your kids when they talk about 'mons new friend'... personally I don't know many men who can cope with that.
M
Listen to everyone's favourite divorce story and try to learn from them. You can do it the easy way or the hard (expensive) way.
One thing to add to this.
Don't listen too much to family or friends, who are meaning well but try to get you to stand your ground too strongly on matters which just arent that important in the scheme of things.
Saving a lot of time, money and stress getting it sorted more quickly will allow you to deal with it better, and probably allow you to replace anything that you’ve given up in a bit of compromise, rather than having spent it on legal fees.
All that’s fine, but if things take a turn then unfortunately you will need to seek good legal advice. I was lucky, no need for lawyers and despite everything even today we remain civil.
It's just a matter of time...
You have the contract of marriage to deal with and the matrimonial finances to be sure of a clean break at the end of it.
If she’s looking for proceedings to start immediately then she’s going to have to blame you either by way of adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Otherwise it’s 2 year separation provided you both consent. That consent can be given in advance by the right document.
The finances can be sorted by way of a consent order but if ever is equal that should be straight forward. Basically if yours is a short marriage there shouldn’t be ongoing financial ties especially since there’s no kids. The house/mortgage is likely to be the stumbling block & no order can force a mortgage to remove a party to that liability. Agree to sell & split or for one of you to buy out the others interest.
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Last edited by Strnglwhank; 24th June 2018 at 01:10.
I am going through the same thing now, married for 20 years but together for 27.
We have two kids. Wife changed about 3 years ago, she was not happy and then we discovered she was having an affair about a year ago, worked through that sensibly with minimal fuss. She said she wanted a separation two weeks ago today and moved out, already had a flat sorted. Came as a shock as I thought we were all getting on fine and just come back from a family holiday where she said she had a great time.
We have kept it very amicable and friendly. She took half of the joint account on the day she left.
Our main concern was the kids, who are coping fine and wanted to stay with me in the family home.
I asked wife what next and time scale, she said she wanted time. I suspect she is going to wait two years separation then I will need to buy her out of the home and give her half of what she is legally entitled too.
She knows what she is doing as she works in divorce law.
My aim is to make sure the kids are fine in all this, they asked if we might get back together, I said nope it is over, they said good, they are teenagers.
I plan keep it 100 percent amicable and friendly my end as I have no intention of wasting the money I worked hard for my families future buy giving it to divorce lawyer’s to fight over stuff.
It is a hard thing to have happen emotionally but I have quickly come to terms with it and I am not angry, I wish her the best, it was over but ignored it for a long time before she left. I kept thinking we could fix it and stay together for the kids. She felt she was not happy so fair play to her.
I am happier, the kids are much happier as the atmosphere at home is happier and apparently she is happier too.
Who knows what the future holds, but try to stay friendly and amicable, that does not mean give her everything she wants but give her what she is legally entitled too, stay positive and move on with your life OP.
I hope everything goes well for you.
There is some good advice on the thread too, thanks for that too.
Good luck mate, sounds like to got the right mind set to see you through without too much trauma.
My story was very similar to yours. Even though she had an affair I took the stance that the break down must be partly my fault and took a share of the responsibility. Looking back, by taking this view I’ve not got any bad feeling or built up animosity and am
happier for it.
To the OP there is some good advice from Omegamanic
Andy
[QUOTE]One thing to add to this.
Don't listen too much to family or friends, who are meaning well but try to get you to stand your ground too strongly on matters which just arent that important in the scheme of things.
/QUOTE]
True, I should have added that in the first place.
This worked for me. I detached my self emotionally from our possessions. I listed and priced them we agreed on valuations and a figure for one or the other to pay. I then got a solicitor just to draw it up we both signed it , bye bye wait for divorce papers.
You have to be living apart for12 months now before you can start divorce proceedings,
Unless I believe one of you is willing to say you committed adultery then it can be done right away.
Good luck and remember your dignity is worth more than a few quid.
Thanks everyone for the advice.
It's adultery from her so I just want a clean break and she says she does aswel but easier said than done.
Am I right in thinking it's 50/50 on all finances, i.e the house etc regardless of adultery?
Been together for 10 years and just short of 5 years married so ideally I would like it to be as quick as possible.
Sorry to hear that.
It's 50/50 regardless. work out what everything is worth and see if one or the other can buy out that would be the quickest.
Make sure it's legal and final.
Yes regardless of fault it is 50/50 split.
I would echo the above advice about trying to keep things amicable. My ex and I divorced by personal petition many years ago, the first case in NI afaik, and the cost was minimal. I have heard horror stories of legal bills into the many tens of thousands. Bite your lip and take deep breaths.
And just to add, sorry to hear of your situation, it is really sh1t, but time will ease the hurt and you will come out a happier person.
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Buying out isn't an option for her and I'd rather just sell up and start a fresh away from the area.
Best thing I can think of is getting the house on the market asap and starting proceedings so it all coincides at the same time?
Struggling to see the light at the minute but I thank everyone for there kind words and advice.
Chris
Just try really hard to keep it civil, even friendly. I’ll echo the point about lawyers, Dividing the money four ways is always worse than dividing it two ways and makes any victory pyrrhic. Work out what really matters and try to negotiate something you are both happy with. Get it right and you both might end up friends, however mad that might sound now.
Yes keep it amicable if possible, yes 50/50 split is the base position BUT I’d always recommend getting a solicitor, keeping meticulous records of all interactions and correspondence as things can very quickly turn bad and from that point on that stuff is the invaluable. Basically talk softly but carry a big stick.
There is a light at the end of it, you will be fine. Stay positive, it is a emotional roller coaster but you need to stay focused on a positive future for you. As others have said stay amicable and friendly, bite your lip if you have too.
I keep all my discussion with mine on messenger, to keep a record. I think she is fine but it is external advice that could turn it, I have no interest in it getting difficult, possessions are just stuff and life is more important, when I leave this world I am taking nothing with me but hope to leave stuff and happy memories for my kids.
There are worse things that can happen, trust me I see it on a daily basis in other people’s life through my work.
You will come out the other end.
I knew nothing about divorce and what was going to happen a short while ago, did some research as I thought I would loose everything I worked for, but 50/50 in our circumstances is not bad, considering financially in the relationship I provided 90 percent of everything. It’s only stuff.
Stay strong my friend.
It's whatever you agree between you - the lawyers will suggest the maximum benefit for their respective clients.
We agreed outside of any legal process and stuck to it. I kept my pension and all my income, she took the house and contents, she filed after 2 years and paid the nominal court costs to complete.
When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks long into you.........
If you plan on DIY divorce, just make sure you get a solicitor to draft the Consent Order. The judge will want to be sure that both parties have had access or the opportunity to access legal advice before he signs it off. Don’t be tempted to skip the clean break consent order either. Without this, the finances are not sorted and you could find yourself in trouble in years to come if ever the other party changes their mind.
Check out a website called wikivorce, very helpful website for dealing with divorce.
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If it was me I have always told myself get the important things to you away from the situation, so if watches, photos, family heirlooms that sort of thing are in the house move them to a secure location.
If bitterness kicks in it could all go in the bin or sold off at a car boot, in the future those are the items that will stick in your throat once all is said and done.
Going through this right now, not so ammicable and kids involved. My wife had cheated a few times and I should have walked the first time as the trust was gone and it can IMHO never return. She is getting half of everything and I have demanded the kids 50/50 as I work from home and they want that too. Additionally I have told her I will not pay her spousal maintenance and she has accepted that. So all in all I will do ok out of this on the finances front, but on the emotional front she has done a fair bit of damage and trusting another woman will be hard. I will get through it though.
Having been through it and come out the other side, all I can say is the divorce laws in this country are a disgrace clearly geared up to one side of the marriage, try not to be one step behind all the time either...
But on the plus side, certainly enjoy my life better with my little girl now and she's doing well do all is good.
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Thanks everyone for the advice,feel a bit more aware of what to do to an extent.
Murkeywaters- I have done some of this with pictures of family and watch.
Langdalematt- In the same boat as regards to trusting anyone again but hopefully you and I will get through it.
Great advice that from personal experience I second. I did all of the divorce paperwork with the help of an online facility called Quick Divorce and it saved me and the Ex thousands of £. All of this is predicted on you and your soon to be Ex being able to agree on matters and work for common good in this situation otherwise solicitors have the last laugh.
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It's expensive, but worth it when it's all done and dusted .....Been there got the T shirt, kept my house and my son stayed with me... As kinky Friedman says "when the horse is dead get off it" .....
I am about to go through this process, I think. Can your partner refuse the 50/50 split of assets and property? My wife has left me, returned to her home country (Australia) and found love elsewhere and says she wants nothing apart from the divorce. As far as I'm concerned she has committed adultery but I don't want to complicate things if possible. She also has the marriage certificate as we were married in Australia.
Go to a good lawyer today!
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