Reply With QuoteGood for you mate. Glad you have found the help you need. Let us know how you get on. Best wishes. Dave.
I sit here writing this knowing that medically nothing has changed since Tuesday yet I am feeling 400% better. I’m hoping that by sharing my experience it may help some in here or some on here’s relatives to speak up.
My story
Ok we will start in December 2016. Completely out of the blue I lost my mum to a heart attack. No warnings. Fit and active for here age (71). She was amazing and a huge part of mine and my family’s life. She would have the children overnight with my dad and allow me and my wife to go out for an evening. She was my rock just always there!
After this happened we pushed on grief was there but I can see looking back I never really stopped to actually grieve. I noticed very little difference in myself until our holiday last year when (we won’t fly (one of Mums lasting influences on me)) the week before we was going to board the coach to Spain the whole week I spent quietly petrified as I was certain the coach would crash and kill us. I slept none of the trip 24hour trip! This started again the day before we returned home. Completely certain the coach would kill us.
Then there are other circumstances since Mum that really affect me. Simple things like a pain or headache or tightness of chest for no reason I am certain it’s serious. This is not me!
This all came together for this holiday when I finally told my wife how I was feeling! I was reassured by her but still didn’t feel anymore happy over it. Went on holiday this last week and same all over again! I sat one day on holiday my chest tight feeling completely boxed in. Convinced this was the day I would die. I slept none that night for fear of not waking up! Yet again the journey there and back I was awake for the full 24hour.
So roll on to Tuesday morning this week. The day after we are home off holiday. I ring my doctors for an emergency appointment to discuss my fears. I’ve always rung early morning and been able to get an appointment same day no problem. I probably attend my doctors 2 tines a year so I am by no means a regular! Yet this time when I ring I was told I can’t get an appointment until I explain to the receptionist what I need it for!!!! This sent me so close to not going. And not getting help!! This was the first thing I went over with the doctor! He was not happy!
I sat there to the doctor explaining everything! I felt amazing as he just listened smiled and told me I am normal and it is normal to suffer anxiety after what happened. He sat and explained my options and gave me loads of information... no medication just options and his ear. I left there smiling. With a follow up appointment and an idea of how to move forward!
If anyone is feeling like this a doctors visit can be huge! Yet the thought of talking about it can be a huge no no. Just do it! Take the plunge. I found as soon as I started I told everything!
I’m not cured am no different. I just feel better and know I am not dealing with this alone.
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Good for you mate. Glad you have found the help you need. Let us know how you get on. Best wishes. Dave.
Good luck everybody. Have a good one.
Great write up and glad to hear you are feeling much better.
My wife is a CBT therapist for the NHS and gets cases (self refered as well as Doctor referals) like yours quite often. I am of course not privy to any of the client's details but I know it is very gratifing to hear the good results she tells be about in broad terms from time to time.
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Great news you spoke to your wife and doctor, a lot of people (men especially) are scared to admit they may have a problem. Sometimes talking is the hardest part but can be the biggest help.
Never a truer word said! When I was ‘normal’ and feeling myself I couldn’t see a doctor or talk about it as I felt stupid. I could see how silly it looked.Originally Posted by Leeroy37
Yet when I was petrified I was gonna die seeing a doctor seemed worthless as I was convinced I was gonna die anyway.
Talking was massive. Gaining an understanding that it is a normal condition and I’m not being silly was huge!
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Good to hear you are feeling better , best wishes .
Best of luck to you OP. FWIW I think a lot've of us were brought up not to admit to feelings of anxiety, weakness or fear, also to bury feelings like grief and just soldier on, it's the manly way but not the healthy way!
So pleased your feeling better, going through a similar situation myself.
Take care,
Pete. ☺
Also remember two things:
1) Anxiety is NOT a sign of weakness. If anything, the opposite- how tough is it to have to deal with stuff like that and carry on?
2) You're not alone- 1/4 people will suffer from some kind of mental health issue in their lives. What's saddest, as has been pointed out, is the number of people who (more often men) who just carry on without seeking help, which can lead to tragic consequences, sadly. Often, symptoms are completely manageable, and while there's no 'cure' for mental health issues, talking therapies can often help us to think our way out of the processes that make us feel bad, and life can be as normal as the next guy.
A good lesson in the right thing to do!
FWIW, I work for the NHS, mainly in and around mental health services, so have some professional experience (as well as personal).
Middle age and the death of our parents is a powerful combination. I have seen several acquaintances struck by anxiety over health around the 50 mark. Our bodies start to give us gyp and we understandably get frustrated and worried by it. I'm approaching this time myself. I think your response is quite natural and more common than you'd think. Most of us spend 40 or so years feeling immortal and then reality bites.
Thanks. Unfortunately I was only 33 when I lost Mum. She had me later than most for an only child. I know what you mean about immortality I never once considered losing her she was so active and healthy we thought.
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In case it's of use to anyone, this is the URL for a service I worked on recently.
https://www.good-thinking.uk/
It's NHS developed and run, funded by NHS & LA commissioners in London (some bits will only work if you're in London).
It will help you to find help, and can also undertake an assessment of what will best help. Lots of help available.
We designed it to provide help people to find help who are reluctant to see their doctor.
Mate I admire Your honesty and it takes a lot to admit that there is a problem after I had My emergency back surgery I had a recurring dream that I had died on the operating theatre I plucked up the courage to ask for help and underwent 5 therapy sessions which were really enlightening and worked again no tablets or medicines.Every year as part of My annual class 1 medical the Doctor will ask You if everything is ok alluding to mental health wellbeing.
I suffered in the same way when my Mother passed out of the blue at 56. I battled through it on my own, but have never been the same since. I no longer have the anxiety attacks I just don’t care anymore if I live or die, which seems pretty weird. I just live my life without a thought and care really, not ideal, but I am well insured so the kids will be provided for should anything happen and the wife is leaving for another bloke, so all in all I just don’t care anymore.
Well done for seeking help and that it’s working out for you.
Unfortunately I don’t think all doctors will be as helpful/sympathetic but hopefully I’m wrong.
good to read/hear
For the 1st time in my life im feeling crap- again my mums not too good- diagnosed with Parkinson's about 18 months ago but in the last 6 months shes been experiencing hallucinations on a daily basis and we can seem to get to the bottom of it- meds or the onset on dementia.
Now my home life's taken a turn for the worst-after 25 years marriage im facing separation and its out of my hands- ive been no saint (no infidelity)and I probably deserve all I get- its turning me to tears daily- this in turn makes work very difficult
thanks for listening all
Absolutely, lost both parents 2013 & 2017, family business gone, & had a heart attack at 49. Nothing but mental problems and anxiety since.
Don't be afraid of medication if that's what the doctor recommends, it can help and needn't be forever.
Sorry for your loss and good luck with your recovery.
What a great thread to start. Well done OP for talking! It's the first and most difficult step.
You've done really well. So important to know that you are not alone and that there are people and organisations out there who will listen and offer support. I lost a dear friend a few years ago shortly after the loss of his mum which coincided with a turbulent time of his life; very sadly he didn't know where to turn.
CALM promote the principal that it is not weak to be open about your feelings and offer those in crisis a place to turn to for support and understanding. They also provide very useful resources for those dealing with emotions such as shock, disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger and depression.
Thats great news mate, it's always nice to come out the other side.
My Dad died in 2008 at the age of 63 of Cancer and he was a VERY fit man otherwise. I was only 29.
We weren't even that close, but, I haven't been right since. I've been on and off anti anxiety meds the whole time, currently "on" this last 2 years. I dont really have the fear of death for myself as i'm a firm believet that its just lights out when i die. I do however worry about how my death would affect others around me.
I also constantly worry about how i may have affected people around me with my actions. My old Mum who only lives round the corner sent me a text last week saying "havent heard from you since last week" with a sad face emoji. This totally messed me up as i felt like such a lowlife. Last week was only 4 days prior. Nothing to worry about AT ALL, i know, but inside my messed up head i was right off the rails.
Anxiety is a terrible, corrosive, disease and i'm really glad you've shaken yours OP. I can only hope its my turn soon as being mental isn't much craic at all!!
That was a worry to me and a big thing that made me wait so long. Maybe he wouldn’t listen or maybe he would just dismiss it. But I do think these last few years mental health has become more prevalent and more discussed and doctors are taking it very seriously now.
Lewie so sorry to hear how things are for you. If you ever need to bend someone’s ear I’m only a pm away and will always listen!
That’s the one thing I’m worried about even now. Maybe it’s only in my head but I still hold a stigma to the drugs. In no way am I saying I wouldn’t go that route if my GP suggested it. But atm I’m pleased I’m not there. Though.. he offers me medication that will allow me to fully enjoy a holiday....
So sorry to hear of your friend! And thank you!
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My heart goes out to each of You the courage shown by the contributors and the daily battles they face this subject has been swept under the carpet for far too long at last People are realizing that this is a major issue in Our society.
Good posting and glad the things you are doing, going to the doc, opening up on here, are helping you deal with it. We (men) don't do this anything like as well as the ladies who tend to chat more openly and support each other better. Glad we are starting to as well. Like a lot of people I have had anxiety issues sufficient to warrant a trip to the doc. It's something you do come out the other side of. I've found that keeping healthy, eating well, keeping active, busy, you know, have all helped as well. Let us know how you get on!
It's always good to talk about your issue's like this and the OP has made the first giant leap, it's show's strength and professionalism. And like one of the other comments about taking medication. It's not about me I know, but I take 8 per day. Definately not a cure but they help.
I hope things work out for you.
Wow
Good luck on this OP .
It’s always a strange subject amongst men with the macho approach.
I do think barriers are being broken down all the time and it is far easier to talk to real mates about such subjects.
In our minds we try not to be a nuisance or think it’s better to show a stiff upper lip.
Recently, I’ve got to know about real friendship in times of need.
It’s a common theme but discussing it with close friends is really helpful and it takes a whole lot of pressure off the relationship.
Thank you for sharing, I am going to share this with my wife as still not convinced she has fully come to terms with the death of her mum.
Good to hear you are feeling better
Thank you! I wanted to talk to a good friend of mine but sad as it sounds my image to him is all is good life is fun. I’ve got a lovely family and I’m always cheerful. I couldn’t work out how to speak to him bout it. I took the somewhat easier approach after reading your post. I sent him a text explaining the basics and asking to meet for a coffee. 3 hours later he knows it all. And I feel like I have more options. More places to turn when it starts up again.
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As a society I think we underestimate the effects of grief and the loss of loved ones. In 2003, at the age if 45, I lost my mother aged 79. I coped fairly well with that and focussed on supporting my dad, who was a similar age. He became ill in 2005 and died in 2006. It was no surprise, we knew he was on his way out, but the effect on me was far worse than when mum died. I found this hard to understand, I’d always been far closer to mum, my relationship with dad was always a bit frosty, but the sense of loss when he died hit me far harder. I took no time off work, I didn’t see the point, but over the next 6-9 months my work performance suffered and my behaviour at work became somewhat erratic. Eventually this resolved itself, but it was only on reflection that I realised what had happened. For reasons I still can’t fully grasp, the loss of my father had a profound effect on me; my attitudes and behaviours changed. In some respects I’ve subconsciously turned into him, for better or worse. Maybe it’s the loss of a second parent that has more effect?
I spent 2014 having treatment for serious illness, thankfully the treatment was a success and I’ve remained in good health since although I have regular blood tests and I’ll need them for the rest of my life. I consider myself fortunate to remain healthy, but living with the aftermath of surviving a life- threatening illness that may return poses its own mental challenges. I’m 60, I accept that health issues are part and parcel of growing older and I’m philosophical enough to realise that our mental health is under threat at most stages of life. Whether it’s the stress in adolescence of coming to terms with adulthood, stress from work/career, stress from family demands and responsibilities, or the effects of grief and illness, our minds take a battering throughout life. There’s still a stigma surrounding mental health but there shouldn’t be; it’s improving but there’s still a long way to go.
It’s difficult to force people , but I do think the option of counselling should be promoted more vigorously. It should become the norm to undergo counselling following grief or illness etc, it shouldn’t be seen as the exception. Again, it’s all part of the stigma we attach to mental issues, counselling is seen as a sign of weakness or being ‘unable to cope’. Like most people I took the ‘deal with it, pull yourself together’ approach because I thought I had to, on reflection this was wrong. In the OP’s case I’m sure the right counselling at an early stage would’ve helped, and I hope things now go well for him.
Paul
Last edited by walkerwek1958; 8th June 2018 at 13:49.
if people spent more time thinking about their mortality and that of their loved ones while they are alive, it would come as less of a shock to people when they are faced with bereavement.
by contemplating your mortality you will also appreciate your life more.
i think in western society we tend to bury our head in the sand - death and dying and the dying process is all still a massive taboo.
just because you ignore the fact it isn't going to happen won't make it go away
more or less 100% of people are going to end up dead one day, and not much is going to change that.
Good luck everybody. Have a good one.
In modern western society we’re fortunate to have good living standards and healthcare; consequently we’re conditioned with an expectation of a long and healthy life for everyone, and when things don’t work out we struggle to come to terms with it.
Nonetheless, even when the deceased have had ‘ a good innings’ we still find it hard to accept the loss.
i think its especially hard with your parents, because they have always been there, and we perhaps take their presence in our lives for granted.
Good luck everybody. Have a good one.
Many people have to cope with the consequences of stress and anxiety. One tip to lessen same is to cut back on tea and coffee - especially during the evenings. Caffeine can prevent sleep and a regular good night's sleep helps 'heal' a stressed mind.
dunk
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
Agreed, lack of sleep doesn`t help. Being able to switch off your mind at the end of the day also helps, but many people find that difficult. Tha analogy I draw is pulling up the stumps at the end of a cricket match, that day's over and there's nothing to be gained by lying in bed thinking and worrying, just switch off and go to sleep. Going to bed too early is a mistake, it sometimes helps to wait till you're tired. I used to do my thinking before going to bed, it worked for me.
Couldn't agree more.
All the best pal
Mental health is the most neglected part of our existence
Last edited by raptor; 8th June 2018 at 18:59.
can I encourage you to speak to someone about your situation - even if its just with a mate over a few pints. Insurance provision for your children is no substitute for them having you around
Wishing you all the best. As mentioned previously mental health is very important and should be discussed a lot more than it is.
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Great to hear that you had such a positive experience and outcome with your GP. Sounds like he is a good one. Despite what some people would have you believe, there is a scary range of competence and patient empathy with the medical profession. Good ones like yours can achieve so much in so little time.
That really winds me up. Having to disclose the gory details of your "Farmer Giles" or similar to some spotty school leaver for them to adjudicate on whether you get an appointment. (No offence intended to spotty school leavers.)
Well done OP and I’m so glad you feel 400% better, I hope you continue to improve for your own sake and that of your family.
I too have very recently been visited by ‘the black dog’ of depression, thankfully I too feel better after seeking counselling and two types of anti depressants later, I’m less than one week off the happy pills, but touch wood still feeling like the old me again.
It’s great you sought help. No one and I mean no one should ever have to suffer alone, you did the right thing and it’s great you’ve shared it all so well done and keep on keeping on.
All the best.
This has been a very thought provoking thread for me. To the OP I applaud your cander and am pleased to read that talking to your Dr and being able to engage with your friend have been positive experiences for you.
I am approaching the first anniversary of the death of my son and have found myself looking at how I feel. I honestly think I am still numb and perhaps havent made time to grieve properly, if at all. I worry that I could collapse under the weight of it and my wife still needs my support so I soldier on.
I would say, I am able to talk about our shared loss with my wife and we are functioning and coping well.
What has helped has been the approach of my mates. As soldiers, we are more well versed with grief and more able to express ourselves with each other than you might think. Something lots of the lads do when I am back at my regiment (I work remotely at the moment) is to ask how I am. I always say "good, mate" and then they will look me in the eye and ask again.
They are giving me the opportunity to spill my guts should I need to and invariably, I do, just for a couple of minutes and all the lads do is listen. It is wholy wonderful and I think I have needed it, even though I didnt realise or plan to do it at the time.
I hope this is something we can all do for each other should the need arise and I would urge everyone to be the ear our friends need.
I have struggled with my own anxiety and depression all of my life sadly at various times.
When I was a child it was anxiety but I learned to cope with it, however recently it came back as a adult as I suppressed my anger and stress. I found the attacks or worse the fear of attacks debilitating, but I have faced these fears and slowly things have got better and started to get my life back.
It is a hidden illness, very few people who know me would ever know or suspect this is a issue for me.
I have never been to the doctors with it, so never gone down the medication route, I tried to deal with my problems triggered by stress from work in a very stressfully job, the death of my father and helping my mother who has severe mental health issues, try to deal with the aftermath and my wife having a very serious illness, she is better now.
It put massive stress on my relationship with my wife and my children, but I thought I could sort it alone and fix everything.
I think the OP has done the correct thing by getting help and I feel you are on the road to dealing with your issues and I really hope everything works out for you.
Get help people, there should be no stigma to mental health.
I did not get help, have not got help and continue to try to sort my self out.
It is not the way, you can not do this alone. Trust me I try.
Today, my wife of 19 years (been together 27 since we are 18) has told me and the children she is moving out over the weekend for good.
I still love her but she can no longer deal with the stress of being part of my life as it made her unhappy, could accept when she loved me, but everyone has there limits and she wants to live apart as she has friends and a happier life away from home.
Kids are 14 and 17. There is no way back from this we have been trying for years, but we are remaining friends and on good terms for the children sake, which is more important.
So get help.
Wish I had.
I'm very moved by some of the stories in this thread. .
My immediate reaction to some is one of sadness, simple becuase of the level of suffering being experienced.
There is an extraordinary amount of maturity and openness being displayed here.
This is in sharp contrast to the rest of the forum, where we often behave like children, and also the lifestyle / socal media aspect means that alot of the content sometimes makes everyone else's life look so f ing perfect all the time.
Life can be so very hard for so many people. Nearly everyone has their tough patches, but some people seem to go through much tougher patches than others.
I have had my own share of difficulties in the past and i would say to everyone here, things do not always stay the same. There is the opportunity for change. I hope you can have the strength to look for and find the help you need. Tz is a place where you can always vent if need be, and if anyone does need a pair of ears, you can always pm me.
All the best everyone
Dave
Good luck everybody. Have a good one.
What a terribly sad story. I'm glad you are remaining friends with your wife.
Please go to the Doctors mate.
I hope you can find peace.
Best wishes.
Neil.
Cheers,
Neil.
I am stunned to tears with how this thread has developed I never imagined so many people would open up. I am pleased I wrote this thread and hope people will continue to use this to share their experiences and hopefully this thread can help people come to terms with mental illness and we can bat down some of the stigma attached to it. Even if it is only on here.
What I would say talking has helped me a lot. If anyone on here wants to chat please pm me don’t suffer alone. Sometimes listening and saying very little is the biggest thing you can do for someone.
Mark
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Very sad about this story
Other than the emotional outbreak of this disease usually all the people i met going through this have amazing sense of understanding and picking up emotional vibs that most people ignore. Like a 6th sense and looking at things with a different lens
Sadly most people today still think is a sign of weakness
If you wanna talk pm me
I cant pm you for some reason
The Curse of the Strong, by Tim Cantopher,
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Depressive-...+of+the+strong,
And don't be afraid of medication, a plaster cast will help a broken arm, in the same way medication can help the mind to heal.
But do get help.
"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."
'Populism, the last refuge of a Tory scoundrel'.
Don't discount physical issues as contributing to stress and anxiety and depression. I was unknowingly coping (not) with an undiagnosed underactive thyroid for several years which I now know caused anxiety, depression, poor physical healing and susceptibility to infections (respiratory and dental). I ended up resigning from my job and taking early retirement because I could not meet work targets. I'd consulted my GP and he'd arranged blood tests but he failed to notice the gradually worsening thyroid problem. After my GP retired another doctor phoned me and asked me to visit the medical practice 'for a chat about your blood tests'; she passed me a graph showing my how my thyroxin levels had decreased over several years … something my previous GP failed to take into account after regular repeat blood tests for 'tiredness'. My new GP prescribed Levothyroxine thyroid medication which within 6 months countered most of my symptoms. I cope with other digestive problems likely originally caused by too many prescribed antibiotics over many years; symptoms I'm addressing by endeavouring to improve my personal microbiome and thus strengthen my immune system via diet. Microbiome is a 'hot' medical topic and currently subject to much research https://www.theguardian.com/news/201...-to-our-health … Google same for more information especially if you think you've been feeling 'below par' for too long and/or if your GP has dismissed your symptoms. Good health can be maintained by a balanced life style … 'balanced' in the broadest sense … with good diet, good exercise (most important) and good sleep. Any excesses can unbalance the body e.g. too much alcohol, too much tobacco and too much physical inactivity.
dunk
Last edited by sundial; 9th June 2018 at 10:05.
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
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