Reply With QuoteWhat if you don't want a "distressed" strap?
Free to the person who posts the best joke on this thread. Judges decision is final, terms and conditions apply etc etc
Good luck everybody. Have a good one.
What if you don't want a "distressed" strap?
Ok none of my jokes are ever truly clean so I will use the least distasteful....
What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
....
Cash and carry!
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My dad encouraged me to get an organ donor card; he's a man after my own heart.
Q: What did the Buddhist ask for at Domino's Pizza?
A: Make me one with everything.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Last night my girlfriend and I put on 6 episodes of 'The wire' back to back. Fortunately I was the one facing the TV.
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Last edited by stefmcd; 24th August 2016 at 20:17.
A woman's an awful lot like a swimming pool... you spend way too much on maintenance considering how little time you spend in them.
So I went in the shop and said "I'd like to buy a watch", and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."
I've just got back from a 'once in a lifetime' holiday.
I'll tell you what, never again!
Sometimes I like to fart in crowded elevators, which is wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a guy with a blue penis?
A tight fisted wa##€r
Jeremy Beadle has a really small penis, but on the other hand it's massive
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Phoned the Pizza place yesterday.
"Do you deliver?" I said
'Yes, of course. What would you like to order?'
"Can I have a 9 inch thin base with cheese, tomato, bacon, liver and olives please"
'we don't do Liver sir'
"But you just said you do liver" I say
A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."
Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says "Is that Dublin 22 33 22?" Paddy says "No it's Dublin 223 322!" the caller apologises for waking him in the middle of the night, Paddy says "Oh it's all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!"
It was reported on the news that a guy on a tour of a local brewery fell into a giant barrel of beer and drowned. They said his death would have been quicker, but he got out three times to go to the toilet.
Martian walks into a crowded bar, silence falls on the place...
He says to the barman "A pint of your best beer and a drink for everybody in here too"
The place livens up in an instant and our martian friend is good to go.
He downs his pint and says 'Another please and also another round for everybody else aswell".
The place roars with cheering, the barman and his staff are working their socks off serving drinks to all and sundry there present.
This happens a dozen or so times 'til the whole place is rat ar$ed later on.
Closing time is approaching so the barman says to the Martian "Here's your bill"
Martian says "Right ok, have you got change of a Zonk" ?
I like wolf's joke the best amongst some fine efforts.... Very good!!!
My effort
Mickey and Minnie Mouse in a divorce court
Judge - Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie on the grounds of her having prominent teeth
Mickey - I didn't say she had prominent teeth... I said she f@cking Goofy
Ben
I'm not saying my mate is thick,but he thought Sherlock holmes was a block of flats.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9
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Q , When do you kick a midget in the balls .
A, When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice .
Two nuns in a bath
"Where's the soap"
" does, doesn't it?"
ktmog6uk
marchingontogether!
Why do women have periods?
'Cos they deserve them!
Sorry to our female posse!
What's Brown and Sticky? - A Stick
At the Marriage at Cana, Jesus announces, "I shall turn the water into wine."
Judas Iscariot leaps to his feet shouting, "Just put your f***ing fiver in like the rest of us!"
A man goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth".
The doctor says, "I think you need a psychiatrist".
The man says, "I know but your light was on".
Fas est ab hoste doceri
Had to think about it, but that's pretty good!Originally Posted by ktmog6uk
Reminds me of this one:
Two little hillbilly sisters are sitting for a photographic portrait. The older of the two says, "Sit real still... the photographer is gonna focus."
The younger one looks up wide eyed, and says, "Bofe us?"
Last edited by TakesALickin; 25th August 2016 at 01:22.
What's a thimble?
A thort of a thign.
Skeleton walks into a pub and says, I'd like a pint of beer, and a mop.
What sort of cheese do you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone.
I'm not saying my mate is thick- but I have seen more brains on the Yorkshire Ripper's hammer
A thief is going round stealing t-shirts in order of size. The police say he's still at large...
There we were- three against a thousand.......
Toughest three we ever fought.
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror ?
Halloumi
Rolex to cut prices in the UK by 20% 01 October.
Two snowmen standing in a field, one turns to the other and says can you smell carrots?
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Bill and Ben are in bed together.
Bill says, "Flobadobadobadum"
Ben says, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that"
I was eating in a restaurant recently when a waitress started screaming "does anyone know CPR?!"
"I know the whole alphabet" I replied. This had the whole restaurant laughing out loud, apart from this one guy
She was only the bandleader's daughter but she knew how to hum at ragtime
A bride's thoughts on her wedding day:
Aisle. Altar. Hymn.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow ?
A: Look for the Fresh Prince!
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
.
.
.
.
.
Full!
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Hedgehogs: Why can't they just share the hedge?
Copyright Dan Antopolski.
My Lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday,
.
It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said
.
.
.
"I wanna watch"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one small dog, it was a Shitzu.
Thank you Tommy Cooper
Invicta Limited Edition Reserve Subaqua. The finest way to spend £500.
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