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Thread: Advice re supporting ex-wife (or not)...

  1. #1
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    Advice re supporting ex-wife (or not)...

    I walked out on my wife of 8 years in April 2015 following years of putting up with her (then 19 year-old) reprobate of a a weed-smoking, thieving, lying son.

    We had no assets (house was rented) other than furniture, cars (one each) and a bit of jewellery. I took my stuff, and my car, left the rest with her, and moved into a rented flat.


    I agreed to go to mediation to agree what was described as 'spousal maintenance' as I had paid for pretty much everything (rent, bills, cars, mobile, food etc) for 12 years and was duty-bound to keep her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed (or some bollocks to that effect). We went through the process, which I paid for, and although I signed nothing, I agreed to carry on paying bills etc until she either settled down with someone else, or we got to the 2 year separation point at which time we could pay our £500 and get a simple divorce on the 2 year separation rule. I also agreed to give her the contents of an ISA (about £6k as a lump sum) to remove her claim on my pensions, which she has already had, and presumably spent.

    Anyway... I have continued to pay the rent, her car tax, car insurance, pet insurance, gas, electricity, council tax, mobile for the past 18 months. I have just found out that her boyfriend has been living with her since last October with her only expenses being for food, clothes, credit cards, and pet food (and her scrounging waste-of-space son) whilst I barely scrape by having to effectively pay for two households.

    We have no kids (between us)
    She works full time, and so does her new(ish) fella
    She kept the furniture, TVs, sofas, pets, car that I bought her etc and I started again from scratch.

    My question is this... what are my LEGAL obligations to continue paying for ANYTHING ? Even better... can I get any of what I've given her back ?

    I guess the obvious answer is I need to cough up for some proper legal advice, but just wondered if anyone on here has been through similar ?


    Cheers,
    Daniel.

  2. #2
    Journeyman
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    If you are divorced and have no kids involved then I'm pretty sure you don't have to give her a penny.

  3. #3
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IanV View Post
    If you are divorced and have no kids involved then I'm pretty sure you don't have to give her a penny.
    We're not divorced yet... waiting for the 2 years separation rule to kick in (next April).

    If she'd financially dependent on someone else (via cohabiting) then pretty sure I don't have to give her anything anyway.

    But not sure...

  4. #4
    Grand Master
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    A nice one for the 'marriage' thread

    http://forum.tz-uk.com/showthread.php?374952-Marriage
    Last edited by Huertecilla; 4th August 2016 at 15:58.
    When the going gets tough, the DAF gets going.

  5. #5
    Journeyman
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    Ok, stop paying her anything and instead pay a solicitor for sound legal advice.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by IanV View Post
    Ok, stop paying her anything and instead pay a solicitor for sound legal advice.

    I would instead speak to solicitor before you stop paying for anything, might make the process easier in the long run.

  7. #7
    I thought once she was cohabiting with a guy your responsibility ended.

  8. #8
    Obviously it depends on your agreement with her - I would pay for a lawyer to read that over and advise you. I expect until April you will be bound to pay as per the agreement.

    In April you will have a better pattern to establish she is with someone permanently as she could easily claim is a new relationship etc. now.

    My friend, for example has to pay maintenance until his wife remarries but then he is fully divorced so it will depend on the agreement.

    Of course it can be challenged in the light of a change of circumstances but again will need legal advice if that is worth doing now or later.

  9. #9
    Have you agreed a financial (legal) settlement? You can either pay for advice, or let things take their course - sometimes it's less expensive to pay what you have agreed to and then walk away.
    It's just a matter of time...

  10. #10
    Craftsman ordo's Avatar
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    Jesus Christ...

    I hope whoever I'll marry is the right one for me because all this sounds pathetic and preposterous...

    Don't you just get to divorce your partner and then you do the thing where you split your stuff and that's it ? Especially since she had no minor children... Why pay anything for her ? What kind of rules do you have there in the UK for crying out loud ?

  11. #11
    Grand Master Chris_in_the_UK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Omegamanic View Post
    Have you agreed a financial (legal) settlement? You can either pay for advice, or let things take their course - sometimes it's less expensive to pay what you have agreed to and then walk away.
    Wise words.
    When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks long into you.........

  12. #12
    Grand Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by ordo View Post
    Jesus Christ...

    I hope whoever I'll marry is the right one for me because all this sounds pathetic and preposterous...

    Don't you just get to divorce your partner and then you do the thing where you split your stuff and that's it ? Especially since she had no minor children... Why pay anything for her ? What kind of rules do you have there in the UK for crying out loud ?
    I hope that before you marry whoever you might, you check on the laws in the country you reside.
    Most men find out when they want to divorce yet in most European countries it is a risky idea to marry as the legal real consequences can be horrendous whereas the benefits are mostly perceived.

    And as to the right one; well imo you don't have to marry that one.
    When the going gets tough, the DAF gets going.

  13. #13
    Craftsman
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    Quote Originally Posted by Huertecilla View Post
    I hope that before you marry whoever you might, you check on the laws in the country you reside.
    Most men find out when they want to divorce yet in most European countries it is a risky idea to marry as the legal real consequences can be horrendous whereas the benefits are mostly perceived.

    And as to the right one; well imo you don't have to marry that one.
    Amen to that!


    not that i'm at all bitter about the subject

  14. #14
    Master
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    Why you agreed to pay her anything in the first place is beyond my understanding.

    That can't be a legal requirement surely?

  15. #15
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by demonloop View Post
    Why you agreed to pay her anything in the first place is beyond my understanding.

    That can't be a legal requirement surely?
    She's entitled to half of anything you accrued during the marriage. Thats pretty much it in your case.

    The court will seek to create a clean break as soon as possible. Pay her out on half of anything you've accrued since the marriage and thats pretty much it.

  16. #16
    Craftsman
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    Plus half of anything you had before the marriage 👍

  17. #17
    Half of nothing is nothing so pay get nothing

  18. #18
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by demonloop View Post
    Why you agreed to pay her anything in the first place is beyond my understanding.

    That can't be a legal requirement surely?

    Basically she is entitled to half of our combined disposable income... she takes home about 1/4 of what I do a month, so the net result is that I owe her money.
    It sucks. BIG TIME, especially as she's not spent a penny in the 11 years we were together. She even tried to demand that because we had 3 foreign holidays in 2014 (the year of my 40th) she was entitled to 3 holidays every year, funded by me !

    Her new bloke is welcome to her.
    I've got an appointment with a marital law expert tomorrow evening


    Google spousal maintenance........... the law is very definitely in her favour.

    Funny how I didn't see any of the £30k inheritance she got when her Mum passed away in our first year of marriage... maybe I should mention that ?

  19. #19
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    For what itís worth, whatever others say, you did the right thing, but also agree it canít go on.

    Good luck with the legal advice.

  20. #20
    Grand Master
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    My question is,why does it all go only one way?,money to her!.

    Why does the woman not have to pay towards all your expenses?.

    You have no ties with her so we're that myself I would be paying nothing towards making her life easier.

  21. #21
    Master reggie747's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amnesia View Post
    pet insurance
    PET INSURANCE ????

  22. #22
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    I can't offer you advice only my sympathy.

    Whatever the law is it seems the man always ends up stuffed,

  23. #23
    Grand Master Chris_in_the_UK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by soapy View Post
    I can't offer you advice only my sympathy.

    Whatever the law is it seems the man always ends up stuffed,
    OP was only looking for advice........
    When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks long into you.........

  24. #24
    Craftsman ordo's Avatar
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    Ironic...


  25. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by ordo View Post
    Jesus Christ...

    I hope whoever I'll marry is the right one for me because all this sounds pathetic and preposterous...

    Don't you just get to divorce your partner and then you do the thing where you split your stuff and that's it ? Especially since she had no minor children... Why pay anything for her ? What kind of rules do you have there in the UK for crying out loud ?

    Might I suggest that you just find a woman you hate and buy her a house? That way you'll cut out all of the grief and angst.

    Yours cynically...

  26. #26
    Craftsman
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    Did you get financial separation? If not get one sharpish and tell her to pay her own way. I was in same position paying for a knob of a bloke to live in my house whilst I was in a dump.

  27. #27
    Master Skier's Avatar
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    As a 50 year old who has been engaged twice and never married I'll give you a phrase passed to me some years ago: If it flies, floats or fu**s, it's cheaper to rent it!

  28. #28
    Master raysablade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ordo View Post
    Jesus Christ...

    I hope whoever I'll marry is the right one for me because all this sounds pathetic and preposterous...

    Don't you just get to divorce your partner and then you do the thing where you split your stuff and that's it ? Especially since she had no minor children... Why pay anything for her ? What kind of rules do you have there in the UK for crying out loud ?
    One thing this is made crystal clear in every UK wedding i have attended is that you are entering a contract for life. You can end it, but your obligations don't necessarily end at that point.

  29. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by amnesia View Post

    Funny how I didn't see any of the £30k inheritance she got when her Mum passed away in our first year of marriage... maybe I should mention that ?
    I am afraid to say that I am 99% certain that inheritance does not count in a divorce settlement.

  30. #30
    Master Alansmithee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by P9CLY View Post
    My question is,why does it all go only one way?,money to her!.

    Why does the woman not have to pay towards all your expenses?.

    You have no ties with her so we're that myself I would be paying nothing towards making her life easier.
    It can do its just its more frequent for the woman to be the stay at home partner. A friend of my was the house husband while his wife build a successful international career. He has stayed in the family home and she pays him maintenance on a monthly basis.

    Theses issues always arise more often in more traditional arrangements where one person works and the other doesn't.

    Another friend who got divorced - Because they both had careers and earnt about the same - same easy (as easy as divorce gets) spilit.

    Plus the answers you get her reflect that the forum is virtually all men. If you head over to a forum full of women the talk will be about how hubby has disappeared and emptied the bank accounts.
    Last edited by Alansmithee; 5th August 2016 at 10:19.

  31. #31
    Quote Originally Posted by Alansmithee View Post
    Plus the answers you get her reflect that the forum is virtually all men. If you head over to a forum full of women the talk will be about how hubby has disappeared and emptied the bank accounts.
    What an excellent idea. Perhaps the OP could sign up on Mumsnet, post the same question and provide us with a link?

  32. #32
    Craftsman chard101's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backward point View Post
    What an excellent idea. Perhaps the OP could sign up on Mumsnet, post the same question and provide us with a link?
    Now that would be excellent entertainment. You might even get some inside tips. Your username could be JaniceTheDownTrodden.

  33. #33
    Master steptoe's Avatar
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    You need to seek legal advice. Not the advice and expertise of pub lawyers on an Internet forum.

  34. #34
    What proof have you got the other bloke is living there full time. Electoral role or bank details or credit report using that address. His name on a bill?

    A mate had the same problem, but the bloke said he was not living there and hard to prove. He owned another house that was rented out but he said one bed room was his, but there was no bed in it. He said he slept on the floor, mate had pictures for 6 days on the trot him leaving and returning to his exes house and pictures of him doing decorating, bloke said he was helping her decorate so was there a lot that week.

    Good luck hope you get it sorted

  35. #35
    Journeyman
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    Hope I didn't come accross as rude to the OP but I've just been through a divorce myself and the best bit of advice I could give you is speak to a solicitor and get all your questions and "what ifs" answered by someone who knows exactly where you stand by law. There is no legal aid for divorce cases now so much better/cheaper to finalise your settlement without intervention from a court - but just make sure you have the legal advice so you know all your rights and make all decisions in your best interest. I don't think you are obliged to pay her a penny if she's living with someone else, but as someone else said earlier it may be the cheaper option than to antagonise her and get solicitors fighting your settlement out!

  36. #36
    Grand Master sundial's Avatar
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    "The energy expenditure of most people's weekly gym class workouts equates to the reward of one large doughnut afterwards" Ö Prof. Tim Spector, 'The Diet Myth' author

  37. #37
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    We've been through mediation (see post #1).
    We have no children so most of the 'advice' on the CAB website is irrelevant. Makes me wonder if I should even be paying as there are no children involved.

    For various reasons my appointment last Friday has been postponed until this Friday... will report back when I've had some proper legal advice.

  38. #38
    Master kungfugerbil's Avatar
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    Offer her the piano in full and final settlement.




    Sorry. Hope it gets clarified by an actual professional soon. I've never been in that situation so have zero advice but sympathise - it can't be easy.

  39. #39
    Master wildheart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amnesia View Post
    We've been through mediation (see post #1).
    We have no children so most of the 'advice' on the CAB website is irrelevant. Makes me wonder if I should even be paying as there are no children involved.

    For various reasons my appointment last Friday has been postponed until this Friday... will report back when I've had some proper legal advice.
    As others have said get a legal binding settlement and move on. Have NO contact.

  40. #40
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    Not going to go into specifics on a public forum, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    The ball is now in her court. It can either be expensive for her, or very expensive for both of us (and then probably still expensive for her).


  41. #41
    going through the same at the moment!!

    not easy is it!!!

  42. #42
    Master amnesia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by davie0146 View Post
    going through the same at the moment!!

    not easy is it!!!

    You have my sympathies... I have friends who have gone through the same, but with kids, and they're paying less than me. Doesn't feel particularly fair, even if it is the law.

  43. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by ordo View Post
    Ironic...

    The desire is for selective equality


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  44. #44

    Ex Wife

    My Son went through a divorce. The only person he has to pay for is his Daughter , She got the House together with a percentage of his Pension . You do not pay anything for her as she can work.Stop the money now if she takes you to court she will lose. All the information is on the internet. In court his wife was told get a job.
    Good luck. Bee.M

  45. #45
    Master bond's Avatar
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    I'm seperated through no fault of my own . It's been 9 months . My wife expects me to mind our children the days she is in work 3 X 12 hour shifts , have them stay were I am now living and take them out for a full day Saturday . I pay weekly maintenance to her. I am unable to afford my own place whilst I am supporting her job as I have been thrown out of the family rented home. I have not sought legal advice and I help her with money where I can . Both her and my family call me a mug and are derisional as I still help (for what I hear you say) she can't forgive me but let's me continue .
    The OP from
    The thread here doesn't have a true obligation all this time to have paid her he could of walked away and not paid to support her at all as there are no children . He's a gentleman.
    I'm still lost at sea myself

  46. #46
    Master bond's Avatar
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    I am
    Expected to do all the above also aswell as work full time and she re iterates over and over 'but you are the father'
    Yes I agree but do seperated fathers still accommodate their wives who've ended the marriage to such degrees on the scale I do ?

  47. #47
    Master bond's Avatar
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    By the way I have only had a verbal agreement of seperation with my wife . I stay over there many nights a week but no courts have been involved yet

  48. #48
    Master bond's Avatar
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    Her reasoning to the situation is - if you don't mind the children the days I work (also fit my own Job around hers which I tailored over the years to suit ) that I will be taking the roof from over the kids heads !

  49. #49
    Master lordloz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bond View Post
    Her reasoning to the situation is - if you don't mind the children the days I work (also fit my own Job around hers which I tailored over the years to suit ) that I will be taking the roof from over the kids heads !
    Sounds bloody miserable .... Sympathies to you mate hope it settles and becomes a bit fairer and balanced ....

  50. #50
    Master bond's Avatar
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    It is mate . Like a jail sentence that I can't see any end to . Plus were seperated (verbally by her) she could be seeing someone and what could I do ? It's harder going there every day seeing the home we built and the familiarity of it all. It's like a sick joke

    - - - Updated - - -

    It is mate . Like a jail sentence that I can't see any end to . Plus were seperated (verbally by her) she could be seeing someone and what could I do ? It's harder going there every day seeing the home we built and the familiarity of it all. It's like a sick joke

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