Hi since my divorce to my now ex I have been listed in friends due to them mostly being couples etc so I only have a few left now.
I work as co directors with my ex father in law and ex mother in law. My ex wife and her two sisters work there too. It has in the last 18months been tough to stay and very stressful. I have now been offered a job elsewhere on similar money but I look at it as a Fresh start. My now ex father in law has tonight (24hrs before I am supposed to leave) practically begged me to stay. He's offering me 20k more and a new range rover sport. These things obviously appeal but am I being blinded my silly possessions and money etc?
I am scared and nervous about the new job as I've been where I am 15years. Met my wife, had my daughter and now divorced. So a lot has happened there.
Have no clue what to do
Take the new job. Be your own man and be free. By all means go back to the other place and negotiate them upwards leveraging that but your own self respect has got to be worth more than cash (which I reckon you know but its hard to see objectively when it's yourself).
Your current situation sound too messy and complicated. I'd take a chance on the new job and a fresh start.
All the best whichever way you go.
^^^ what he said, life is too short and money and possessions aren't everything.Originally Posted by Josh B
It'll be hard.
You'll second guess yourself.
There will be days you miss the familiarity of the old place.
Conceivably, it may not even pan out long term.
But if you don't do it, your current place will grind you into dust.
Make the change. If it doesn't work, make another one. But I can't see how you can possibly continue with your ex and her family in your face all day every day. I find it tough enough with the occasional facebook exposure.
I split from my wife just after Christmas. It wasn't my choice and definitely hasn't been easy but I've recently chosen to move, pursue my dream job and change my life completely. I've been where I am for the last 7 years and was starting to feel a bit 'stale'. The move will involve a year of extremely hard work and a big change in job role. Having now made that choice, I feel completely happy with it and am in a very positive frame of mind.
Every situation is different, but if you think you need a change, to be free, then go for it - by the sounds of it, you are obviously giving it some serious thought so it might well be the right thing to do.
I find it tough enough with the occasional facebook exposure.
Me too - I can't imagine working with my ex in laws!
Last edited by Christian; 14th August 2014 at 20:16.
If the new position is with a reputable firm and, looking at it coolly, you feel you could be happy there, then go. IMHO of course. Clearly you have skills your current company values more than any family issues. Those skills are valuable.
Thanks for all the honest views. I am just petrified as I'm so comfortable but I know feel down I should change as when we move on personally work will be miserable!!
Thanks again. That car would've been bloody nice though!!!
Better to die on your feet than live on your knees...seriously though, make a fresh start and embrace the new. It seems like you've learned all you can from the old place so move on with a tail wind behind you into pastures new.
In 10 years time you'll be glad you did.
So basically he thinks you are good enough to pay a large increase to but not good enough to pay that for the last 15 years. I hate when companies do that to me. If I was worth the extra why wasn't I paid that before.
I wish I knew you better to be able to give advice I felt comfortable about but here goes.
I would balance creating a solid future for you and your daughter with your need for a fresh start.
I would prefer independence but would put up with a lot for my kids future - after all you would be working with her grandparents and aunts.
Gray
I know that's a good point, but my daughter will always be ok as her mum and grandparents are very wealthy, so really it's just about my suffering.
Shitty situation :o(
From the way you write about it, it seems to me that you should get out. Being stuck with your ex's family in that way sounds very stressful and uncomfortable. Perhaps a fresh start is what you need.
Last edited by markrlondon; 14th August 2014 at 21:54.
If you or she meets someone new the role will be untenable.
Move on I say, your in a win win.
So true.
Given the company relationships with your ex, I would definitely recommend making the clean break. Your mental and emotional health are worth alot more than 20k+RRS. A clean start is surely worth more than the toys on offer.
Move on - I guarantee in a year's time you will think it's the best thing you ever did.
Maybe worth considering a negotiation with the new outfit given the offer you're father-in-law has made...
Walk away,don't look back.
When my wife was offered a great job in the far end of West Wales, while we were living in Hampshire, she really wasn't sure if she should take it as all the rest of her family are in Portugal, my only family is in Hampshire and neither of us would know anyone. I told her that she'd regret doing nothing more than she'd regret doing something.
Six years later, we've bought our dream house for cash and we've a good circle of friends. We still see my parents every so often and her parents can stay longer when they come over as we've got loads of room. If we hadn't moved, who knows what would have happened, but I know that life was pretty stale where we lived. Friends and family around, but still in a rut.
My point?
You don't know where this move will lead you, but I suspect you've got a pretty good idea where not taking this chance will end up. You're reminded day-to-day about your marriage and, let's be honest, you're working life is at the discretion of your ex-in laws. Things may be good enough now that he's offered you a nice deal, but that could change if your ex's situation changes and she puts pressure on them.
From the offer on a £20k increase, I'm guessing you're on a pretty good whack now so it's not as if you'll starve for the lack of that pay rise. Try to negotiate a better offer, but move regardless is my advice.
+1. New life, new future. The money 'lost' will not make you happy. A new environment will.
I think in your own mind you have already decided to make the change by securing a new job.
I would stick to your plan and make that fresh start away from the ex and her family, the extra money and a shiny RR would be nice but will they make the situation better and make you happy? I suspect not.
^^^^this!^^^^
It makes your answer even more simple. Go! Since I ran (and run) my own buisiness, I always paid my employees an honest salary. And I still do. I never suggested a raise when they told me that they wanted to leave. I always told them that I'd always paid them what they're worth to the company. I was always able to look them straight in the eyes.
in a way, it makes leaving all your 'exes' a lot easier!
Menno
Tell him to get stuffed. If he can't give you a proper range rover he's not worth even talking to about it.
Move on - it's the way of the Samurai. Once you've chosen your path, rush at it headlong without thinking about what could have been :)
Enjoy your new life and new job then!
Gray
I am going to advise you in the other direction - if he is begging you to stay then he feels he needs you to stay so I guess you do a lot of the actual work?
Do you have equity etc as moving from a job where you get a simple salary could be a lot different and the grass isn't always greener so I would make sure the new company is stable etc.
If you do have shares beware as whilst they are great if you are being treated fairly but can easily be made worthless too so I think if it were me it would depend why your ex fil wants you to stay.
Given that your old company (with all its baggage) has decided they really do want you and are happy the share the love so to speak, personally I would be happy to stay. Especially if you can get an equity stake in the business and be a partner rather than be an employee.
and if it doesn't workout, then you can walk away. It sounds to me that he (farther-in-law) wants to have an heir apparent. Great opportunity.
Let us know how you get on.
Move on. You'll feel free and clean again. A fresh start with people who haven't heard quite so much about you.
The air will be sweeter, you'll be less stifled, more able to breath, without so much judgment in the air. Don't let these people take your measure with a few quid extra and a fancy car, show them they never really knew your mettle.
Hmm, not sure I can value add to this conversation after a cheap bottle of Aldi red, other than to say that the raise is near my annual take-home and the car worth fore than my mortgage...
Possessions and money are meaningless to those that have them!
If I were you I'd make the move. I too have been divorced and used it as an opportunity to start off down a completely different and unknown path. You should gain in confidence as you make it succeed, and given your in-laws so desperately want you to stay it sounds like you have the skills and experience to do just that.
Good luck in what ever you decide.
contrary to a lot of the advice above, consideration should be given to talking to the ex, even getting a professional involved with a view to becoming friends, I mean good, good friends, this will allow you to stay in your current position in comfort, have a very good future for your daughter and she will also see how the 2 of you can still respect and love each other as friends and her parents.
It even sounds like her family want you to stay around which is a great start.
If you can get over all the crap that possibly went on during the split and the divorce it's a great feeling having that person as a friend.
Hmmm, I know where you're coming from. It's a tricky one for you OP and I suppose it actually depends on what you're earning now. You clearly want to be financially secure for the sake of you and your kids. I think RickChard is trying to say that if you're earning £20k pa and he's offered you £20k more then that's massive. If you're already on £100k or £150k then you don't need it and can base your decision on other elements.
I've just had my rise and I'm trying to decide how best to spend it on the kids, what value can I add to their lives for my extra £4 a week?
I feel for you. Staying in your current position is the easiest option over the short-term, but likewise could well be utterly pernicious over the long-term.
I too feel for you, but..
Isn't it in your father in laws best interests to give you a large raise as you have to give half of it to your ex anyway?
To me, the only pertinent bit in your OP was that the last 18 months had been stressful and the job had been tough to stay in. Putting a pay rise and a fancy company car in your lap won't change that.
Good luck whatever you choose.
IMO comments above re pros and cons are well made.
Just some sage words I always take in mind when making these sorts of decisions:
Better to regret the things have have done than the things you didn't........ i.e. don't put yourself in the position of thinking "if only I had done that......"
And: "Why not......." i.e. let's look at the reasons why you shouldn't as opposed to the reasons why you should, aka take it from the perspective that you are going to go and consider what the reasons might be for not going.
Using these mantra over the years I've moved 3000 miles from home, found myself with no income and in the middle of a civil uprising, taken in lodgers, moved to another country with no official status whilst there, then moved to a job on a fraction of the income I was on, and back into London to live on the kind of 'disposable' monthly income I would have earned in two days in my previous existance. Any regrets - a big fat NOPE.
Given your comments about the last 18 months and that you had already decided to leave, money actually had nothing to do with your reasons to go - so it really shouldn't change anything now. Statistically the vast majority of people who stay in a job as a result of a counter offer still move on within 12 months - which proves that it wasnt really about the money.
sounds as if the ex will be paying him, not the other way around.
Can money buy you happiness? I am under the impression that 20k & a RR doesn't mean a lot to your 'exes' (they have enough money, you told us). For your ex FiL it is just a figure, a number. For you it is not it is more than money. It is a choice between moving on with your life or staying more or less in the same situation... Accepting the money doesn't make things better for you. Financially it does, emotionally it doesn't.
Menno
Apologies for my outburst earlier in the thread, it wasn't called for. I guess what I meant was that will 20k and a RRS really change your standard of living or quality of life, significantly? I suspect not - you're already comfortable on what you earn now, and you state it's been a stressful 18 months. My honest opinion, for you, get out.
My earlier rant was more about my situation, if I were offered similar then it would be a an easy call to stay, I would to anything to support my family better, financially. Your decision should be what will give you a better quality of life. From what you've said, where you are isn't going to be the right call.
If you don't wake up most mornings with a smile on your face with excited anticipation of what the day will hold, you're in the wrong job.
In my experience, the bigger the risk, the greater the reward. Fear of the unknown is natural, just have faith in yourself and take the plunge.
Happiness isn't about money and fancy toys.
You have tapped into a pool of goodwill and sage advice here Foxyadam, but as we don't know each other I suppose its hard for you to evaluate it all, what with all the noise.
Go away for a quiet weekend in the countryside, not a sedentary one, but take in a coastal walk or a stroll on a felltop somewhere. It may help to clear your head, put you in a positive frame of mind and see things from a slightly different perspective.
I am really thankful to everyone.
I am deffo going. I spoke with my ex and she agrees as much as it's not her call that it would be best for us all if I go.
So thanks again and this place is a really kind forum. M
HAGW
Move on pal
Get the new job
If you're not happy there now, I doubt it will improve.
Eddie
Whole chunks of my life come under the heading "it seemed like a good idea at the time".
Tough one as it does sound like they are fair people who still get on with you.. as opposed the other flip side.
However, life isn't always about that, the money and perks.
Whichever way you go, good luck.
Get the hell outa Dodge.............and take all the important stuff with you on a pen drive
As has been said, it depends what £20k and the car means to you.
I'd consider taking the money, negotiating a change in the role to get rid of the stress and then reassessing in a year's time.
What is the cause if the stress?
To me it's not about the money and car. It's more about how your relationship with her family works. If you're all amicable and adult about it then things could work ok. If there's anger and resentment then it could be tough although it sounds like your FIL is mature about things.
Remember also that your child is their grandchild and their relationship with you could have an effect on their relationship with the child.
Finally, are you happy in your current position or would you prefer a new challenge?
£20k and range rover sport will be short lived happiness, move on and get the stress out of your life. Meet new people, etc
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