A pirate walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I couldn't help but notice that you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says "Yar, it's driving me nuts."
A pony walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Did you get over that terrible cold?"
The pony says, "Thanks very much, I feel much better now. But if you don't mind my asking, how did you know I had a cold?"
The bartender says, "Well, you're a little hoarse"
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender: Why the long face?
The atom: Oh man, I lost my electron and I'll never get her back.
The bartender: Are you sure?
The atom: Yeah, I'm positive.
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food"
Badum tish! Thank you very much, I'm here all week.
Plug
A man walked into a bar.
Broke his leg.
Educated, I like it :lol:Originally Posted by ChrisXK140
Ryan
A lady walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
Cheers,
Gary
:lol: :lol: :lol:
F.T.F.A.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says: "Give me a beer and a mop."
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. "That will be £7.50 please" says the barman. The hippo pays and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don"t very many hippos in here" mutters the barman. The hippo replies: "At £7.50 a pint it"s no wonder!"
A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What do you want?’ The fish croaks, ‘Water.’
A group of fonts walk into a bar. ‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve your type in here.’
A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. Barman says "The usual, Rene?" Rene says "No, I don't thi-"
Is that my coat? thanks.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?" :D
Can't be bothered with the full joke... but it's not a lIon, it's a Giraffe. :D :wink:
Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot.".
A ghost walks into a bar and says "Beer please, landlord"
The man behind the bar says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits in here"
Mark
An argon atom walks into a bar
Barman: You'll have to leave. We don't serve noble gasses around here.
The argon didn't react.
A panda walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a while, he orders some appetizers. When the waitress comes with the bill, he pulls out a gun and shoots her.
Bartender: What'd you do that for?
Panda: I'm a Panda. Look it up.
The Panda walks out the door.
The Bartender looks up Panda on Wikipedia. Panda. Eats shoots and leaves.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The bartender says 'Is this some kind of joke?'
One of my favourite Walk on the Wild Side bits - very funny :lol: :lol:
:) :) :lol:
A turd & and beard walk into a bar.
Turd "Two pints please"
Barman"I'm not serving you"
Turd "Why not?"
Barman "Because your steaming & your mate's off his face.
Andy
Wanted - Damasko DC57
A man walks into a bar.
He passes the cigarette vending machine & it shouts "Get out you ugly git"
Somewhat surprise he sits down at the bar & waits to be served.
"Wow, you're a handsome guy says the bowl of peanuts on the bar"
Finally the barman gets round to serving now very confused man.
"What gives?" ask the customer relaying his experience.
"Sorry about that Sir" says the barman. "The cigarette machine is out of order, but at least the peanuts are complimentary"
Andy
Wanted - Damasko DC57
A man walks into a bar.
Says, "Ouch!"
It was an iron bar.
(Okay, it's an oldie.)
:lol: :lol:
Man walks into a bar with a salmon under his arm.
'Do you serve fishcakes?' asks the man.
'No, sorry' says the barman.
'Pity', says the man, 'it's his birthday.'
Some bread dough walks into a bar. The barman goes; "You have no yeast". The bread dough doesn't rise.
A dog walks into a bar.
The dog asks for a 'pint of beer please'
Landlords replies 'fuck me, a talking dog'
A duck walks into a bar -
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman : Sorry but no, we dont serve bread
Duck : Got any bread?
Barman : We don't serve bread
Duck: Got any bread??
Barman : I've told you we don't serve bread! Ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No...
Duck: Got any bread?
sorry, read that one on a birthday card at my mum's!
awww you got there with that one before I did ... my favourite "bar" joke.
Schrodinger's Cat walks into a bar...
...and doesn't.
One for the quantum crew, and not that much worse than the Argon one.
I posted that one in the similar Boys Room thread.
A woman drives into a bar...
A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a glass of whiskey
The barman replies "what would you like Sir"
The horse says "what do you have"
The barman responds "well, we've got Bell's, Famous Grouse, Glenfiddich, ....and we even have one named after you"
The horse answers a little surprised 'what, Eric?!"
guy walks into a bar and asks for a black bush, sorry bud says the barman but the beauty salons have got rid of all them.
A forlorn Irishman walks into a pub and starts to drink himself stupid.
The barkeep concerned about the drunk asks him what's wrong.
"What's wrong? you see all those benches out there on the street? The ones everyone in this shithole sits on everyday...well I made those benches, but the don't call me 'Seamus the benchmaker' do they?"
"No that's true" says the barkeep.
"And those lampoles outside, that guides everyone home in the dark...I painted those poles, but they don't call me 'Seamus the pole painter' do they?"
"I suppose not" replies the barkeep.
"But you shag one goat...."
Fas est ab hoste doceri
:D
Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends argon.
What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium.
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar
Barman says, "Why the long face?" * *
A Roman Legionary walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says:
"I'd like a Martinus, please".
"You mean a Martini", says the barman.
"No", replies the Legionary, "a Martinus. I only ordered one, not two or more".
Jesus walks into a bar.
Jesus: "Some water in a wine glass, please."
A Neutron walks into a bar.
Neutron: How much for a drink?
Bartender: For you? No Charge!
A chord walks into a loud, crowded bar.
Bartender: We Can't Serve You Here!
Chord: What! Why?
Bartender: You're A Minor!
A baby seal walks into a club.
A bloke walks into a bar and orders a pint.
A guy walks up next to him and asks 'Do you want to buy a c#ck sucking frog?'
A What?
A c#ck sucking frog!
What does that do then?
Well, it sucks c#cks!
I'l have to try it first!
So he nips into the toilet with the frog and comes out minutes later with a smile on his face. 'Name your price!'
He goes home and says to the Mrs 'Here love, i've bought you a c#ck sucking frog'
'What am i going to do with a c#cksucking frog?'
'Teach it to cook and the F#ck OFF!' :wink:
A very gay chap minces into a bar in Texas
'Where are all the Cowboy's' he exclaims in a high pitch voice?
'There down the ranch hanging a queer' the barman replies!
(In his best Lee Marvin voice) the gay chap retorts 'Well guess I'll mowsie on down there and see if they need a hand'. :wink:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance,
"you can't come in here without a Thai."
a guy was walking by the canal, when a man floats past in the water.
The man in the water yells, "I can't swim, I can't swim!"
The guy walking by yells back ,"I can't play golf, but you don't get me shouting about it!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”
Credit bump.
A man carrying a pair of jump leads and a cranking handle walks in to a pub.
"I'm not serving you"" said the barman, "you look as though you might start something".
Shakespeare walks into a bard.
Dyslexic bloke walks into a bra.......
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