Hello all
Sorry to disappoint those who thought this might be a joke :)
Just wondered if any of you have said something (or been asked to say something) at the funeral of a close family member or friend.
I'm not usually phased by public speaking as I do it regularly as part of my job, but the funeral is of someone who meant a lot to me. So I would like to say something but I'm concerned it might be difficult / impossible to get the words out.
Would be good to hear about any experiences you may have had (good or bad).
I spoke at my best mates Dads service, he was more like a member of the family as my mate has been "on the scene"
for more than 20 years. I found it best to keep it fairly simple , and also add a dash of humour and of course a couple of well placed self deprecating insults. People generally don't want gushing or " maudling"
Hope it helps, and sorry to hear your news.
Good luck.
Actually, I can offer something that worked for me.
I too was asked to speak at the service of a special and much loved person and my concern was that I would simply choke up with what I was saying about him. The night before the service I was lying in bed full of trepidation about the following day. My thoughts turned to wondering what that person would say if he was 'there' at the service listening to me and I just knew he'd crack a joke to cover his embarrassment over my testimony to him! It made me smile and gave me an idea.........
So the next day I spoke to the full church but in my mind he was there sat amongst them - and somehow that stopped the choking up. In fact, I felt quite light-hearted at the end and not at all close to tears, but as I returned to my seat I realised that most everyone else was crying!
Sorry to hear of your loss but I'm sure you will do them proud.
R
Ignorance breeds Fear. Fear breeds Hatred. Hatred breeds Ignorance. Break the chain.
Terribly sorry for your loss. I myself would never have the courage to make that speech. Stay strong.
john
Been there and to be honest, Ralphy's advice is exactly what I would say.
Type it all out in much larger than normal font. If you get temporarily overwhelmed, it will be easy to find your place. Everyone understands that it will not be your best oratory.
It is an honor to speak at a funeral.
Sorry for your loss.
Hi AO, sorry to hear your news,
I spoke at my Dad's funeral and, like you, I was anxious as to whether I would be able to hold it together. I kept things short and talked about what kind of a man/dad he had been and talked about one or two things that I would remember especially about him (his laugh and his gentle nature) that I knew those at the service would also know well. It was a sad occasion but there was also laughter throughout the day as we all wanted to celebrate what had been a great life.
It's not easy to find the right words and there will always be more to say than you have time for but try not to doubt yourself too much. Whatever you decide make sure you write it down. I could not have spoken from memory on the day and knowing that I had the words in my hand (as well as my heart) helped me through.
All the best, I'm sure you will be fine
jeff
Thanks chaps - your posts are encouraging.
Like the idea of visualising they're going to be there at their own funeral - very useful. :)
Much appreciated
Just bumping this as unfortunately I may be in the same position again.
You’re a better man than me to be able to do it. I’ve done a lot of conference speaking over the years but I couldn’t do this.
My condolences.
I have done this twice - the first time it was unscripted and the second time I had a script. Both came from the heart.
Whilst I kept my composure the first time, I choked at the end of the second. No one minded. You're not being rated on how well you manage - if anything, it just shows that you are human and you care. The aim is to say what you want to say. If your emotion shows through, so be it.
I have just been discussing this by PM with a forum friend. I have not been given the truly awful news yet just that events are moving so quickly that I am trying to be prepared.
I know many of us are middle-aged and so may be called on to say something. I'm hoping this thread may be of use.
This is a bit random, and apologies for it probably not being suitable in this case, but sadly I have had to perform this task for a number of my fishing circle, including my father who died in 1969 at the age of 52. I alway include this, which will have resonance only for brothers of the angle.
I have asked for it to be used at my own funeral whenever that may be or whatever form it may take.
It is a poem written by Robert Bell, grandfather of ex-MP and journalist Martin Bell, released in 1929 in an anthology titled "Afterthoughts".
And I too on some careless day
will feel the hook I had not guessed
And I will try to break away
but go, after a brief protest
into the basket with the rest.
I spoke at my best friends funeral which was particularly difficult because of the circumstances of his death. I too visualised that he was there and that helped greatly. It was a blur to me and was something (the whole period around that time) that I struggle to remember.
I did mention that death is just a horizon, and all a horizon is, is the limit of our sight. I also remember a poem that I read that had the lines in it “slowly grief tires and weeps, but never ever dies”. I think the whole period traumatised me and my friends at the time, but it was an honour to be asked to speak at his funeral and be a pall bearer. Still think about him every day and by coincidence dreamt about him last night.
I am really sorry that you are having to possibly do this again. Stay safe and well and remember, whatever you do will be fine.
Been there done that, just remember
It’s an honour ( said before)
Nobody’s going to judge you- they’re all just grateful that they’re not doing it
Don’t be miserable- you can smile- it puts people at ease
Good luck, you’ll be fine.
Oh and one trick I’m sure you know- if anyone is making direct eye contact while you’re talking, look at a spot in the middle of their forehead- they’ll think you’re looking directly in their eye but you won’t get that emotional hit yourself
Last edited by GOAT; 31st January 2021 at 17:26.
Good luck.
As many have said, nobody is judging you and it is an honour even if a really painful one.
So far, I’ve not been brave enough to do it. However, my wife has spoken at my Dad’s funeral as well as many of those of her own close family.
Avoiding direct eye contact is her secret. She’s a rock and has done them all proud.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I've done this and it's hard because how could it be anything else. I know not everyone feels able to speak at a funeral and, of course, that's fine but for me it says so much more when someone who knew them feels able to speak than a vicar or similar who might barely have met them.
My sister reckons that funerals in NZ often have an open mic which I think is a lovely idea.
I have written and read out six eulogy addresses. The last was for a former GF whose death was due to chronic alcohol addiction /organ failure. Everything I wrote and read reflected her kindnesses to others and her humour / mischievousness ... nothing mentioned about her 'demons' ... I wove her 'kindness' into a story of how when she gave impromptu piano concerts to entertain nursing home residents, all their faces 'lit up' and 'glowed' ... and also wove her mischievous side into an amusing 'halloween night' anecdote ... and mentioned how her career achievements were in part due to her photographic memory ... Everything was positive ... no mention of the negativity which most of her friends and family were aware of and needed no reminders. All eulogies need rehearsing (preferably with someone listening / advising) so as to measure time taken to read properly ... churches / crematoriums have schedules to keep to ... especially crematorium chapels where e.g. 30 minute services might be the norm ... with the next deceased's service due within a few minutes of your loved one's 'send off'. Addressing e.g. one hundred friends and family can be a little daunting ... but rehearsal makes you word perfect and with someone listening at rehearsal, their point of view / suggestions can be very useful ... and help you overcome any nervousness on the day.
dunk
Last edited by sundial; 31st January 2021 at 19:30.
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
It’s a tough task but you can do it.
I never usually write a speech I just have bullets to give structure but for this I write it so if I crumbled I could revert to reading my text. Fortunately I managed to get though ... there will likely be a moment where you catch yourself, pause, breath and carry on.
Also, practice out loud.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I did my Dads eulogy in November
so have some recent experience of this.
Like you, I speak regularly in front of groups at work and as such not especially phased by the principle of public speaking.
But my experience showed that nothing can really prepare you for the position you’ll be in on the day. Emotionally.
You will have to take a moment, you will need to step away and you will need to gather yourself. Perhaps on multiple occasions.
But that’s fine and don’t let that be a concern.
It sounds a bit insensitive but this is the easiest crowd you will ever speak in front of. Everyone is there for you. No one wants to see you fail.
A couple of practical bits of advice.
1. Draft the eulogy in a conversational way so it reads just like you would imagine saying it.
2. Read through it and present to yourself in the bathroom or wherever multiple times. This will help you pick it up after you lose your position.
Otherwise best of luck and hope it goes well.
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I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss; I had to do my father in laws as my mother rib ale and wife were not up to it. I spent a bit for time talking to people who knew him earlier and drafted and rehearsed what I wanted to say; so that I could recite freely. I speak publicly for my job and deliver orders daily so public speaking does not phase me in the least.
What got me on the day was the emotion and my father in law who was a man of few words laying at rest. I hope that I did him proud. I don’t think people will notice any mistakes or care if you put a foot wrong.
Best go luck with the eulogy.
^Thank you, those suggestions have already helped me prepare for the inevitable. Much appreciated.
I spoke at my Dad's funeral.
I felt it was something I really wanted to do, the last thing I could do for him after all he'd done for me. I can remember being at a relative's funeral with my dad a few years before and the vicar was doing the eulogy and my dad said (probably a little too loudly) 'She clearly never even met her!' - A stranger isn't the person to do this, he was right.
My dad never had much time for religion and especially not funerals, so we had a humanist funeral, none of the many rooms, people waiting for you stuff - If that's helpful to you, I have no problem with it, but it wasn't what my dad, mum or I would ever have wanted.
I just talked about him, the kind of person he was, the things he enjoyed doing and what we'd remember him for. My cousin who is a decade and more older than me spoke about him as a younger man as my mum and dad shared a house with them in the first few years after marrying. She's religious and said a short prayer and that was fine, it was her way of paying her respects.
We kept it light, with the odd light-hearted comment and it was actually surprisingly easy to do, I found, although I won't pretend there wasn't the odd catch in my voice.
I did write down what I wanted to say and I'm sure that helped me.
I felt that, sad day though it was, it was a chance to remember him, not to be sad and many people said what a positive experience it was and some friends even arranged to have a similar funeral for their husband/father when he died about 6 months later.
I'd have been happy with it, if it had been my funeral and I think my dad would have been OK with it too.
M
Last edited by snowman; 1st February 2021 at 16:13.
Breitling Cosmonaute 809 - What's not to like?
I did my Dads eulogy nearly four years ago and it was an honour as the oldest son to do this.
I wrote my speech over two days with input from my wife, brothers and step mother and then practiced many many times reading (importantly) out loud to my wife and teenage son. This enabled me to identify to real tough bits that I new would make me wobble. Once I knew where these were, I just stopped, paused and breathed until I was ready to go again. I included a lot of his sayings and humour and to this day friends say how the hell did I do it so well but it was practice and practice and knowing where I was going to struggle so I was prepared.
I hope all goes well and good luck.
Pitch
I read at my step Dads funeral when I was 30 (lived with him since I was 2)- as others have said, no one is going to judge you. Print out what you want to say in huge font, or at least good prompts. I learnt mine my heart so there was less thinking and just took my time, spoke slowly and left pauses.
I delivered one last year for one of my closest friends who died very quickly after a cancer diagnosis.
It’s an honour, and no one will judge you. If you have an emotional wobble people understand.
Two of us did it, and we swapped between us. We spent a long time writing and practising it. It was a bit longer than many eulogies, but there was stuff to be said. Lots of people loved him, and it was important to tell their stories, it wasn’t about us as speakers and our grief. We took the time (pre-Covid) to speak to all his friends, his mum, siblings and wife, so we had a lot of stories of him. Have it printed out in a nice document folder.
It’s an honour, I’m sure you will do fine
Dave
At a good friends funeral who passed early years due to cancer a mutual friend got up, he started by saying “l’d love to say Colin was a great guy to all, but f*ck it, I’m going to tell the truth” everyone laughed and it helped us all, I believe he cleared it with the family first but knowing him, maybe not. Colin would have laughed at that, maybe he did.
Never had the nerve to stand up, much respect to all who do.
I wrote a little song for my sisters funeral at the crematorium, all the lyrics were light hearted and fun apart from the end which make me choke but by then it was done - she would have loved that her 'mental' little brother had done it and laughed her head off especially at my bad guitar playing and my out of tune singing... that just made it more fun!
I think this goes for me too.Originally Posted by jk103
Sorry for your loss.
To 'break the ice' when reading a eulogy, consider giving a very brief introduction e.g., "Hello family and friends ... I'm John ... close friend of Janet ... we worked together at XYZ where she ... "
Remember you have limited time to read ... no need to embroider with unnecessary phrases such as " ... gathered here today to pay our respects and celebrate the life of dear departed ... " etc etc ... The minister's likely already mentioned same ... and those present know why they're attending ... and no need to finish with any 'long goodbyes' ... a simple "We all loved you ... Rest in peace Janet" can suffice.
Less can be more.
Stick to facts ... especially if more than one eulogy is to be read. Other families and hearses are outside ... waiting for their 30 minute 'slot'.
And don't try and be too humorous and disrespectful. I attended one funeral where the deceased's brother Lawrence mentioned in his eulogy: " ... Maud is being buried in the same grave, and on top of, our mother ... I'd reserved this place for myself ... mother had supported me throughout my life and it was my wish that she'd support me in death as well ... that cannot happen now ... Maud beat me to it!!" The brother had drunk a few too many before the service ... and he also attempted to auction off the flowers afterwards!
Moral of the story is to stay sober ... don't make a silly arse of yourself via too many whiskies
Last edited by sundial; 3rd February 2021 at 17:50.
"Well they would say that ... wouldn't they!"
Thank you, it's incredibly useful to know what to avoid as my thinking isn't that clear at present.
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