So following on from my divorce of about a year ago, my daughter (11) has decided to terminate all contact with me. Its a little frustrating and I suspect her mother has confided in her about the why of the divorce.
My son (9) still comes regularly and we speak on the phone etc.
Is there really much I can do in these circumstances and how have others handled it?
My relationship with my ex wife is non-existent. I realise that is not ideal but we simply cant tolerate each other.
Keep in touch with your son, eventually your daughter will start thinking for herself.
As number2 said and also keep contacting her; texts (if she hadn’t blocked you), greetings cards (birthday. Christmas etc).
Whatever you can do to let her know that you’re still there and thinking about her. She will come round eventually.
Quote:
Originally Posted by number2
This.
Don't try and bribe her with presents etc. she will come to expect it, and could cause your son to become jealous.
I didn't speak to my Dad for many years following the way he divorced my Mum. He died in January this year and whilst I was there in the last few weeks I deeply regret not really knowing who he was in his later life.
Just be a supportive Dad, and always be there for her when she needs you... she WILL need you.
Good luck.
Had similar - although me and the ex were on talking terms.
Try not to worry, keep in touch every now and again, ask how she is, birthday card etc.
She will come back around.
If you could improve relations with your ex-wife that would be a good start. Think about it, you're going to have to attend graduations,weddings etc together in the future without causing a scene, it's far easier if you can learn to tolerate each other and the sooner you both accept that the better. Once the kids see this there's a chance things will improve. It's a mistake to criticise the ex spouse when discussing things with kids, that causes them to take sides because they're not mature enough to take a broader view.
You had children together, because of that fact you will always have some type of relationship whether you both accept it or not. My advice to the pair of you is to work at that. I speak from experience, trust me its the best way.
It's far better if the kids can have a good relationship with both parents, but it takes common sense on all sides. Communication with your ex-wife on this issue is paramount, but you've both got to co-operate.
Yes , been there .
I’ve no good advice as I couldn’t work it out .
My ex always had the ear of my two daughters and I’m certain the fact that I divorced her for her infidelity and didn’t meet my second wife until nearly 18 months after I left was twisted to make me the bad guy .
Just do your best but don’t jeopardize your new relationship if it is sound .
I am in a happy relationship with my second wife and we have 4 children together.
My ex has remarried at least twice after me having also spent some time being the village bike.
Eventually I hope my daughters will realize which parent they should have believed but that time has not come yet .
As far as dealing with the ex the best solution I found was distance ( 4000 miles works) changing my phone number and blocking her emails- this brought peace .
Just for balance I had a totally dis functional and unhealthy relationship with my father which stemmed from him taking me with him as ‘cover’ when ‘playing away’ as a five year old and being branded as a liar by both him and my mum when I asked questions about his ‘friend’.
The have a cant live with, can’t live without each other relationship that’s far from healthy but they are far to old to change now.
I decided in my early 30’s that no relationship was preferable to the broken one, that’s over fifteen years ago and a decision I stand by. Up until the last time I spoke to him he refused to acknowledge taking me with him.
I’m sure the op’s situation is nothing like mine but mention it because it could be a long road to reconciliation but when you get the opportunity to talk to her I’d urge you to try and understand what caused her to cut contact and deal with it.
I am sure she will come round before too long. 11 is a difficult age fro children at the best of times. Just carry on being there for her and I am sure things will turn out fine.
I think the above is good advice. Keep communication lines open and let your daughter decide.
I am from a broken home, where my father had an affair and left my mother, and drove her to an early grave (with me having to look after her throughout my teenage years). So, I basically can't bear to be in contact with him and so I don't subject myself to that - he caused me enough pain. But, quite a different situation from yours.
I had the same problem years ago, a very difficult situation. It's important you have regular access to both of your children and spend quality time with them both, if she tries to prevents you fight it.
Treat your children equally well irrespective of contact with each of them.
Remember not just their birthdays but sports days, nativity plays, etc and spend time and take interest with each as they grow and develop hobbies and interests. Let them have sleepovers with their friends, camping in garden etc make memories at your new home.
Try and teach them something new, swimming, cycling, skating, rollerblading etc.
Take turns to have them for alternate years for Christmas yours and New Year hers, equal turns / times and here's a biggie make sure you take them for good holidays, in my case Center Parcs in Europe, make lovely memories with them and take plenty of photos they can look back on and remember how good they felt.
Here's a biggie, and sometimes very difficult but don't diss your ex keep things civil as far as your children are concerned.
Take out a small policy for each of them asap so that they have some money when they turn 18 / 21.
As they grow they will make up their own minds about you and her based on what you each do.
Good luck things will work out in the end, stick with it and your daughter it will all be worth it and you will all be much happier in the long run.
Thank you all, its good to read I am not alone.
There was no playing away or anything, I just could not live with a broken relationship. Unfortunately my daughter is convinced its all my doing, so doesn't even say hello when I see her at the school gate.
I do write to her occasionally and continue to invite her over, so hopefully one day she will change her mind.
My son is a treasure and has a more balanced view, thankfully.
Unfortunately I can't run away as I decided to live near them. I am hoping that eventually the ex (and her family) may see the light and understand that me not being in my daughter's cannot be a good thing.
Persevere my friend, actions speak much louder than words.
Your children will see you for what you are, it will just take a little longer with your daughter.
Your ex other half needs to play her part in ensuring you get your time with both your children.
If she doesn't there are things you can do to ensure your get the right amount of access.
I had the same issue, persevere it will work itself out.
Tough situation, not easy to do anything that cannot be misconstrued.
11 year olds do not make such a decision, I suspect this is the mother's doing which is evil, woman have such a capacity for spite.
How about the grandparents, any communication route through them ?
I think all you can do now is be patient and always demonstrate impeccable honourable behaviour.
Which includes never criticising the mother despite what you might think and want to say.
Your daughter has a mind of her own and will come round to wanting contact with you in the future.
Keep making an effort.You May have it thrown back in your face but keep trying.Time goes fast and Your children will make up their own minds about seeing You eventually.Good luck
It is saddening to read of another parental alienation account and it is equally saddening to know that the only real advice is to be patient, keep trying and things will eventually work out. One hopes. I’m going through the PA mill too and I never would have thought I’d a. Be limited to contact via letter with my two eldest and b. Struggle to find the right words to write that won’t be twisted or manipulated.
I feel your pain OP and sincerely hope your being patient and persistent work. If you are anything like me, you’ll be worrying about the impact this will have on your daughter’s mental landscape. Search out a copy of ‘Divorce Poison’ and have a read. My new partner bought me a copy and parts of it have helped.
TBH I don't think my ex cares, she has the house, the kids and the money, so everything she wanted. Her view of me is that I am not suitable father material, which unfortunately my daughter shares at the moment.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat7
She's 11, so she isn't able to make that decision.
You go visit them, you pick them both up and you do whatever it is normally, if she chooses to be a grumpy when she's there put up with it your an adult you will be able to deal with it.
But she is a child, the idea that she can refuse anything is mental.
I’m afraid that those that think that young kids can’t think for themselves is largely irrelevant when a parent is alienating. I have the ongoing heartbreaking experience of seeing 1 of my daughters (12yo) whilst I haven’t seen the younger (10yo) for circa 5 yrs.
I spent £20k in court , had professional therapists write reports but all to no avail as very few courts will order against the mum without very serious reasons. All I do is write and pray she’ll come round one day. My ex has also prevented her from seeing all paternal family despite us all being close prior to separating!
I can't give direct advice, but it is also important to let others know that she's still important to you. Example? School. Make sure that they keep you up to date with info etc. Go to evenings, contact her teacher how she's doing. I don't know the UK rules, but here (Holland), schools have to inform both parents about everything. Any information gap is a 'no-no', but when you're not close to her, there's a chance this will happen. I guess you can come up with other examples than school.
Menno
I am going through the same thing, my ex is very manipulating and after seeing my kids every other weekend at least for 13 years ( they are 15 year old twins) I have not seen them for 3 months. Text them both most days get patchy responses and them saying they don’t want to come to mine anymore. Lots of reasons why, but heyho have two kids with my new wife and the reason is that the ex has split up with her current husband and she wants to be in charge and probably cause me some pain, but can’t be bothered to argue with her.
Be the bigger adult. Be calm and patient .It will be difficult sometimes and seem unfair . Think of the future. Always be able to say you were the one being adult and thoughtful and non-reactionary.
Eventually as your children grow up they will value and trust you regardless and any mudslinging against you will be revealed as just that.
Write your daughter a letter, she will eventually come to terms with the situation and contact you.
I feel for you mate, it’s the worst type of pain.
Former divorce lawyer here, so I've seen this many, many times. Please excuse me being able to give somewhat unemotional advice, however.
Your daughter is very young. Don't burden her with adult emotions and sentiments like parental alienation, or allow your fear that this may be permanent to cloud her. Think of how often children change best friends - flavour of the month at the moment quickly falls away. At the moment she may be upset, resentful or confused. With time, she will adjust.
I see the recommendation was there to improve relations with your ex-wife - seconded. It's vital, as difficult as it may be, and parents' inability to get over their own emotions for the sake of the family is the frustration that caused me to leave that job.
Good luck - she's 11 so time is on your side.
Divorced about two years ago now. All went smoothly as far as a divorce can be called smooth...
Since we agreed on a 50/50% split regarding the upbringing of my little girl (9 now), this can't happen to me.
Now I'm sadly not really on speaking terms anymore, but as far as I'm concerned I'll never speak badly about my ex wife in front of my daughter, however difficult that sometimes is....
Good luck with your situation, and as others have told you and I can tell you from experience, daughters need their dad just as much as their mother.
Thanks again all.
My son still keeps coming around and I still keep inviting my daughter. I am going to get some advice from a child therapist so that I have a better way of communicating with my daughter when she talks to me.
It’s only been a year since I left so I just need to be patient but it’s always in my mind.