Partner Refusing to Go Back to Work After Baby

[chrisparker]

What seems to be the default postion of the father grafting whilst the mother stays at home is just archaic and not fair.

Fairness doesn't come into it. When your baby is screaming all night and the only thing that will soothe them is a go on the boob, get yours out and see where fairness gets you.

Mothers are grafting too, even though they are at home.

[Mr Curta]

My wife says that she plans to return to work this year, fourteen years after taking Special Unpaid Leave whilst expecting our first daughter. Or second daughter recently turned eleven. It meant me seeking out jobs that enabled this to work, but we both felt that it would be immensely valuable for the whole family if she was able to spend as much time as possible with them as they were growing up. It is wonderful to see how close they are and ultimately turned out to be the best decision we ever made when Laura fell ill - my wife could drop everything, relocate half way around the globe, and literally spend a year by her side during the treatment. I know that it is something that not all families want to do or can afford to do but it was right for us and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

[Chicken Pox]

It's not just women, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-s...wales-44157222 you are allowed to say you are struggling, if you feel you can't express the problem directly for fear of setting off the other half a neutral third party support might be a good starting place. Sitting in silence isn't going to change anything other than your blood pressure and stress. Take care.

[anz3001]

I encouraged my wife to take as much time off with the little one as she could. It almost meant going down to one income but that wasn't an issue for the first 12 months. By that time she wanted a small break from the routine and started working from home whilst baby went nursery. She may be baby mad now but most mothers I know wanted a break/change of routine by 12-18 months.

Financially, we've always split bills 50/50, we werent sure if that was sustainable but we kept the arrangement with the understanding that aslong as she wasnt blowing money (which she has an habit of) I'd pick up the difference. We have seperate accounts with money forwarded to a joint 'bills' account. Once everything is paid, whats mines mine and hers is hers, to do with as we please.

I couldnt work in a house with Mrs and baby, I'd get nothing done, base yourself somewhere else?

[Yeti]

I’m pretty old fashioned in that I’m happy for my partner to stay at home and look after the kids. We know lots of couples who are stressed to the max due to both having jobs and crazy childcare costs etc. If your wife is happy to stay at home this will probably resonate through to your child. A happy wife equals a happy life. Embrace your neanderthal ways and be the hunter gatherer. Take pride in the fact your making your wife happy by allowing her to spend time with the most precious thing in her life. I’ve had plenty of businesses where I was the owner/director. Now I work for someone else in a mundane role but it’s for the benefit of my children. I have responsibilities and I adjust accordingly. When my youngest is of a school age my partner has told me she can’t wait to go back to work. Take a deep breath and punch on I say. No point losing your wife and kid down to her wanting 5 years off of work. The child will be in school in no time and all will be fine with the world...unless you have more 😜

[wombleh]

With a baby you are not sleeping properly and things can build up. Try to talk to each other, don't let things escalate in private. Things will be hard at times, very hard, especially if they start having medical problems. No easy answer other than to get on with it the best you can, which isn't by buggering off and leaving the mum with her parents.

Also get her into freecycle and local facebook selling groups, my wife has millions of baby clothes/toys/etc and very rarely pays for any of them or if she does it's a few quid, which is usually regained from flogging off something that's been outgrown.

[IAmATeaf]

I'll bite at this one final time.

...

Well that is certainly different to my perception of contracting where the agencies do all the donkey work so thanks for that.

So in effect you are running your own company that actively goes out looking for work which explains what I failed to understand.

Maybe you could adopt the simple approach I take with my family with the door ?

I do think you need to sit down with your partner and lay everything out on the table and talk about jobs and money. When we had our first kid my wife was intent on going back to work, we had no family nearby who would babysit but after looking at the overall costs, not just financial I just said to my wife it’s entirely up to you so she opted to leave work and only started working part time when my daughter started full time school. To make up for the loss of her income I then found other ventures over the weekend for extra cash.

[demonloop]

Different strokes for different folks.

My wife took a year off for #1 kid and was dying to get back to work. She took 9 months off for #2 and felt the same.

She's a smart professional who invested a lot in a career which she enjoys.

While none of my male peers at work have wives who work, that wouldn't work for us. The idea of coming home to a wife that's got nothing new to talk about other than the school run and how many poos the baby did isn't an option.

We don't love our kids any less than anyone else, we just know that a happy family unit for us requires both parents to be working in interesting and challenging jobs.

This is pretty much my situation.

Although my wife wouldn't have been ready to back to work at 6 months, she was always intending to back even though I gave her the option of staying at home.

Perhaps when a bit more time passes OP's wife might fancy going back to work more than she does now?

[200mwaterresistant]

Well that is certainly different to my perception of contracting where the agencies do all the donkey work so thanks for that.

So in effect you are running your own company that actively goes out looking for work which explains what I failed to understand.

Maybe you could adopt the simple approach I take with my family with the door ?

I do think you need to sit down with your partner and lay everything out on the table and talk about jobs and money. When we had our first kid my wife was intent on going back to work, we had no family nearby who would babysit but after looking at the overall costs, not just financial I just said to my wife it’s entirely up to you so she opted to leave work and only started working part time when my daughter started full time school. To make up for the loss of her income I then found other ventures over the weekend for extra cash.

Thanks. The door system could possibly work, but the main problem is the noise - it's not professional to be on the phone with baby noise in the background and our house isn't large enough for proper separation... A situation of my own creation I appreciate, and mine to resolve.

Being very honest here: The problem is that my whole life I've been addicted to working, maybe to avoid what would invariably start going through my head if I stopped, and this current situation has threatened that. This is the root of it all.

There's obviously some deep consideration and work required on my part in various areas.

I do appreciate your (and everybody's) comments. I will take the job for now and my partner can stay home dealing with the relentless needs of our small baby. I realise very much that even in this situation I probably have the better deal, though there is some jealousy about how much time she will get with him which I will miss - but I will suck it up and get on with things.

[demonloop]

I should have added ours is 11 months now - once we got past 9 months I find it got easier.

Which is handy as No2 is due in 2 months.

[Dave+63]

Don’t look at it negatively, there’s no need for jealousy. Look at it instead as you doing the best you can for your wife and child. You’ll get to spend plenty of quality time with him and it’s not a competition.
In my experience she’ll be more than happy for you to spend as much time with him as you want (and more) after another full day with him on her own. She will need and enjoy a break!
Which of course she can have whilst cooking your tea!

[Dave+63]

I should have added ours is 11 months now - once we got past 9 months I find it got easier.

Which is handy as No2 is due in 2 months.

Ours are 23, 23 and 21 and it’s never got easier (or cheaper!).
Bigger kids= bigger problems= bigger costs!

Love em all though and they’re three fine young ladies whilst I’m a grey haired, grumpy old man!

[demonloop]

Ours are 23, 23 and 21 and it’s never got easier (or cheaper!).
Bigger kids= bigger problems= bigger costs!

Love em all though and they’re three fine young ladies whilst I’m a grey haired, grumpy old man!

Thanks for that Dave!!!!

[Dave O'Sullivan]

Thanks for that Dave!!!!

As someone who also has three daughters, (and a son), I was hoping for a rosier future!!!

[wombleh]

In my experience, if you're off at work then she will be just as jealous of you for getting the ability to do things like have a cup of tea without a screaming child needing constant attention !

[ryanb741]

As a father what I’d say is whatever is best for the child is what you A need to work out and B do. It isn’t about you or your wife anymore, it’s about the child.

That being said try to think of the current situation in shades of grey - it won’t be as bad as you fear not as good as you hope. Time will tell.

The other thing I need to say is that if your wife loves being a mum then this will transmit through to your child and the feeling of comfort and safety and nurturing is everything.

My wife’s a stay at home mum and I’m the sole earner. And she’s a nightmare with spending. And the tax system isn’t set up for people like us, single earners who don’t get a tax break on account of being sole breadwinner and yet a working couple can each get personal allowances/20% tax bandings each. Just gotta suck it up.




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[Omegamanic]

Thanks. The door system could possibly work, but the main problem is the noise - it's not professional to be on the phone with baby noise in the background and our house isn't large enough for proper separation... A situation of my own creation I appreciate, and mine to resolve.

Being very honest here: The problem is that my whole life I've been addicted to working, maybe to avoid what would invariably start going through my head if I stopped, and this current situation has threatened that. This is the root of it all.

There's obviously some deep consideration and work required on my part in various areas.

I do appreciate your (and everybody's) comments. I will take the job for now and my partner can stay home dealing with the relentless needs of our small baby. I realise very much that even in this situation I probably have the better deal, though there is some jealousy about how much time she will get with him which I will miss - but I will suck it up and get on with things.

Whether you take the job, insist your wife goes back to work so you don’t have to take the job, have the child looked after at home, or go to nursery - believe me, the child will be absolutely fine. You and your wife need t do what’s for the best/fair to everyone. All this the child is the most important thing in the world crap is too much imo - yes, the child is important - but there are three people in this together and there are ways of making things easier and more enjoyable for all - and the child will benefit more from being in the right/less stressed environment a lot more than being at home with mum all day and then subjected to mum and dad arguing about money all evening.

Sit down together, agree a way forward - agree a date by which she WILL go back to work, and go for it.

All the best.

[IAmATeaf]

I don’t think you should take the job if you see it as simply a means to get out of your current situation.

You need to talk, discuss and then act, maybe after talking your partner will begin to appreciate your requirement and undertaking when working from home. I’m city based at the moment but when assignments have allowed me to work from home for me it’s been a Godsend. I can start when I want, finish when I want, the mother off all things flexi

Taking a job that you’re not happy with will in my opinion just make things worse and lead to some form of inner resentment.

Ignore the above if you’re more than happy with the job

[Mr.D]

I have to say that my own situation with my wife refusing to go back to work ( or do anything constructive) essentially destroyed our marriage and is without a doubt the single worst thing I have experienced in my life.

I can liken the experience to watching a slow motion car crash. I could see it coming years down the line and no matter what I did or the level of support I gave her to do whatever she pleased she chose to use my children as an excuse to say she was too busy ( bear in mind my children were at school from 0830-4pm and the school was literally 5 minutes away).

At the same time I received constant criticism from my wife that I was always away at work and therefor a bad parent , meanwhile I'm the sole breadwinner and I built my career up from a £6k a year junior position to a 6 figure one with zero help from anyone. During this time I took my turns with the feeds and nappy changes , housework and cooking. Bought her a beautiful house that I let her pick in an area that she wanted. I even told her that she didn't have to make any money but to just do something with her life. I bought her laptops and cameras , whatever thing that she seemed interested in I would support and encourage her on even if it was something I wasn't interested in.

I work on average 72 hours a week sometimes with little more than 4 hours sleep a night and my wife would lambast me for not automatically taking the children and giving her a break when I had any time off. I literally gave this woman the best years of my life and only ever wanted to make her happy and see her do something productive. Whats even more ridiculous is that her previous career involved sitting at home writing for most of the day and she didn't even manage to attempt to do that despite rattling out the same promise that she would return when the children went to school, then that became secondary school. Never happened to this day . She will tell me how busy she is because she has to meet her friends for coffee or post some letters ( I explained to her that isn't actually being busy , that's called socialising and we are 100ft away from the post office). Also amazing how someone with such a busy life manages to pack on an extra 3 stone over the years whilst refusing to do anything. She had looks to kill for when I met her and she even let that all go , half an hour in the gym was too much for her busy lifestyle.

To this day she refers to me as a "bad father" even though my children have always had everything they could wish for and every opportunity that children in other countries would never see. She poisoned my youngest against me with her criticising me that I was never around and I had to try to explain to her that I didn't have any choice if I wanted them to have a roof over their heads. I count myself incredibly fortunate that I had zero debt other than the mortgage as I had seen my own parents struggle financially until I became independant ( I still had to cover shortfalls in my father's estate to pay off the mortgage for my Mother when he died).

However despite being more financially secure than most people I was utterly miserable and got zero pleasure from my success as all I wanted was my wife ( and my harpy of a mother in-law) to give me some recognition of the fact that her decision to do nothing was responsible for me having to sacrifice my home life. She never did to this day.

The finish up I literally could not take it any more and even my long term friends were noticing changes in my personality. Finally I split from her but maintained the household , now that we are getting divorced she makes it extremely difficult for me to see my children (and my mother who has only ever been respectful and compassionate to her) though as they are now young adults I'm able to keep in contact with the directly and I hope that as they get older they will realise the reality of the situation.

Marriage is without a doubt the single worst experience of my life and has put me off marriage as an institution for life. I would literally rather cut my nuts off that get married to someone again.


Thankfully I now have a fantastic girlfriend who is settling down with me for life who as well as being a mother herself has bullt herself a successful career as a director/producer and runs her own media production company. If I could turn back the clock I would have given my wife an ultimatum after 2 years to either do something or to get out not waited in vain for nearly 20.

[learningtofly]

Sorry because this is going to sound harsh.

For both of you your child should be your number 1 priority. If that means taking a dull but secure job, so be it. It won’t be for ever. If it means your partner staying at home because she wants your child to have a rounded life with his extended family rather than in a nursery, and that means you have to work harder/have less money, so be it. Even if your partner is just feckless, lazy or immature (not saying she is, but you seem to think she might be), you just have to dig a bit deeper because you are doing it for your child.

Time passes, your child will grow, you’ll learn how to manage everything better, the money will get easier and it won’t be like this forever. Your child only gets one shot at being young though.

Yes, this. I found the OP quite unsettling in it's very cold objectivity.

[NikGixer750]

I have two young ones, now 4 and 2, in both situation my mrs enjoyed going to work to get back to a normal life for 3 days a week, its hard work looking after 2 kids all day. It was tough financially when she was off for a year both times as money was tight and in a similar situation to yours she does not worry about money and leaves the stressing to me!!

It is not worth her working full time as the nursery costs are crazy. With the first she did not want to send her to nursery but once they go the worry quickly fades and I feel it has helped both kids to learn to interact with other children and I believe it has made them better kids.

Having kids is amazing and I would do anything for my girls, just thinking about them makes me smile, but when they are so young it can certainly put a stain on your relationship with the mrs but you need to work at it, like others have said have a sit down and discuss what you both want from life. We came close a few times to calling it a day but the thought of not seeing my girls every day made us both work at it. Not sleeping properly for what feels like years puts a strain on even the strongest relationships.

You are still in the early stages, you paint yours mrs as a bit of a waster with no ambition, but then said she got a Law degree from Oxford!! I am sure that took a fair bit of dedication and intelligence, she is just stuck in full on baby mode and that will ease as the kid gets older.

[tz-uk73]

Sorry to read that Mr D sounds like an awful experience that went on for far too long. Sadly I know of two other great fathers and husbands with almost identical experiences.

[catch21]

Leave her head space out of it for a second and ask yourself, do you want to be with this lady or not?

I'm taking it that if you weren't on the scene she wouldn't be working.I'm thinking, that's what she wants. Personally, I think you need to accept it and support her, or bail out.

The last thing I would do is mess with her head space by trying to cajole her into doing something she doesn't want to do, because you want her to do it.

[golf]

Tell her the house is being sold and your moving to Blackburn where it's cheaper!

On a serious note go and see her parents on your own. Sit them down and spell it out to them.

They are obviously enjoying time with their daughter and grandchild but explain it is coming at a price. They might be able to talk to her and make her realise it's not the right thing to be doing.

At the end of the day it's the child who will suffer! Mum and dad arguing and a unhappy house.No spare cash to go out to places zoo, play centre, holidays ect. All those new experiences and luxuries that come at a cost

[Yeti]

I have to say that my own situation with my wife refusing to go back to work ( or do anything constructive) essentially destroyed our marriage and is without a doubt the single worst thing I have experienced in my life.

I can liken the experience to watching a slow motion car crash. I could see it coming years down the line and no matter what I did or the level of support I gave her to do whatever she pleased she chose to use my children as an excuse to say she was too busy ( bear in mind my children were at school from 0830-4pm and the school was literally 5 minutes away).

At the same time I received constant criticism from my wife that I was always away at work and therefor a bad parent , meanwhile I'm the sole breadwinner and I built my career up from a £6k a year junior position to a 6 figure one with zero help from anyone. During this time I took my turns with the feeds and nappy changes , housework and cooking. Bought her a beautiful house that I let her pick in an area that she wanted. I even told her that she didn't have to make any money but to just do something with her life. I bought her laptops and cameras , whatever thing that she seemed interested in I would support and encourage her on even if it was something I wasn't interested in.

I work on average 72 hours a week sometimes with little more than 4 hours sleep a night and my wife would lambast me for not automatically taking the children and giving her a break when I had any time off. I literally gave this woman the best years of my life and only ever wanted to make her happy and see her do something productive. Whats even more ridiculous is that her previous career involved sitting at home writing for most of the day and she didn't even manage to attempt to do that despite rattling out the same promise that she would return when the children went to school, then that became secondary school. Never happened to this day . She will tell me how busy she is because she has to meet her friends for coffee or post some letters ( I explained to her that isn't actually being busy , that's called socialising and we are 100ft away from the post office). Also amazing how someone with such a busy life manages to pack on an extra 3 stone over the years whilst refusing to do anything. She had looks to kill for when I met her and she even let that all go , half an hour in the gym was too much for her busy lifestyle.

To this day she refers to me as a "bad father" even though my children have always had everything they could wish for and every opportunity that children in other countries would never see. She poisoned my youngest against me with her criticising me that I was never around and I had to try to explain to her that I didn't have any choice if I wanted them to have a roof over their heads. I count myself incredibly fortunate that I had zero debt other than the mortgage as I had seen my own parents struggle financially until I became independant ( I still had to cover shortfalls in my father's estate to pay off the mortgage for my Mother when he died).

However despite being more financially secure than most people I was utterly miserable and got zero pleasure from my success as all I wanted was my wife ( and my harpy of a mother in-law) to give me some recognition of the fact that her decision to do nothing was responsible for me having to sacrifice my home life. She never did to this day.

The finish up I literally could not take it any more and even my long term friends were noticing changes in my personality. Finally I split from her but maintained the household , now that we are getting divorced she makes it extremely difficult for me to see my children (and my mother who has only ever been respectful and compassionate to her) though as they are now young adults I'm able to keep in contact with the directly and I hope that as they get older they will realise the reality of the situation.

Marriage is without a doubt the single worst experience of my life and has put me off marriage as an institution for life. I would literally rather cut my nuts off that get married to someone again.


Thankfully I now have a fantastic girlfriend who is settling down with me for life who as well as being a mother herself has bullt herself a successful career as a director/producer and runs her own media production company. If I could turn back the clock I would have given my wife an ultimatum after 2 years to either do something or to get out not waited in vain for nearly 20.

Thanks for sharing that, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve endured. You sound like such a decent and hardworking chap who deserves some happiness out of a relationship. Hope your new relationship bodes well. 👍🏻

[IAmATeaf]

Do not get here parents involved, lines will be drawn and sides taken, forever.

[prexelor]

My wife is a stay at home mom and if anything, I have encouraged my wife to stay home and enjoy being a mom. If my wife wanted to recommence work then that is not something I would stop. My kids are 4 and 2 and this time is precious.

The first baby we spent far more on outfits upon outfits. The second baby we soon realised what a waste it was as they grow so fast and you even forget outfits that have been purchased or received as gifts.

A life of being a parent was a complete shock for me and so different to my previous almost responsibility free life. I look at my wife and two children and sometimes in complete awe and surprise at the weight of responsibility. I have three people to look after. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I wish you all the best.

[Exigeowner]

I don't think I have ever seen such a split of thoughts on a thread !

It reads to me you are being a little unreasonable but I have no real knowledge of your situation, usually though I have learnt there is always two sides !

My then GF now wife stopped working about 4 years before our first born who is now 19, I see no stage when she will ever go back to work and that's fine, she has looked after our family and me and allowed Me to really concentrate on my business.

I can honestly say without her support coupled with my hard working ( in business ) we would never have got the comfortable life we have.

Respectfully it may be worth YOU talking to somebody first, does male PND exist ?

[M4tt]

Buy a shed; sheds have saved many a marriage. Power, phone and insulation will take a day or two.

Then make sure you have at least a night or two a week that you can get out together alone and makes sure you have at least one day when you are fully in charge of babycare all day - she gets a break and you get perspective.

Because there was a reason that you chose to have a baby but, God knows, babies are as tiring as they are rewarding.

You need to step back and adjust. It's a vast change and it's the longest marathon you are going to run, but if the hormones didn't get you at the start, if you give them the chance, the child will give you more than every they take. Get this right and both child and mother will love you.

Get it wrong and however bad it is now will be far worse. Forget the house. The CSA will also have twenty percent for the next twenty odd years and, unless you can make up a lot of lost ground, you'll be an outsider in your child's life. Whatever your business is now sounds fragile enough if you spend as much time touting for work as you describe and it doesn't look divorce proof to me. You need to rethink while you still have choices, because baby hormones don't just make women want to stay at home with their children, they also make them terribly pragmatic towards spouses that treat them and their child as you appear to be doing. However, the bottom line is that your wife can take care of herself, but children need fathers and that's the most important job you'll ever get. It's fine to demand time to grow the business, but make time to grow the family too.

[M4tt]

I don't think I have ever seen such a split of thoughts on a thread !

It reads to me you are being a little unreasonable but I have no real knowledge of your situation, usually though I have learnt there is always two sides !

My then GF now wife stopped working about 4 years before our first born who is now 19, I see no stage when she will ever go back to work and that's fine, she has looked after our family and me and allowed Me to really concentrate on my business.

I can honestly say without her support coupled with my hard working ( in business ) we would never have got the comfortable life we have.

Respectfully it may be worth YOU talking to somebody first, does male PND exist ?

Yes.

- - - Updated - - -

Do not get here parents involved, lines will be drawn and sides taken, forever.

Painfully true. And not always drawn in the ways you might expect.

[tz-uk73]

Buy a shed; sheds have saved many a marriage. Power, phone and insulation will take a day or two.

Then make sure you have at least a night or two a week that you can get out together alone and makes sure you have at least one day when you are fully in charge of babycare all day - she gets a break and you get perspective.

Because there was a reason that you chose to have a baby but, God knows, babies are as tiring as they are rewarding.

You need to step back and adjust. It's a vast change and it's the longest marathon you are going to run, but if the hormones didn't get you at the start, if you give them the chance, the child will give you more than every they take. Get this right and both child and mother will love you.

Get it wrong and however bad it is now will be far worse. Forget the house. The CSA will also have twenty percent for the next twenty odd years and, unless you can make up a lot of lost ground, you'll be an outsider in your child's life. Whatever your business is now sounds fragile enough if you spend as much time touting for work as you describe and it doesn't look divorce proof to me. You need to rethink while you still have choices, because baby hormones don't just make women want to stay at home with their children, they also make them terribly pragmatic towards spouses that treat them and their child as you appear to be doing. However, the bottom line is that your wife can take care of herself, but children need fathers and that's the most important job you'll ever get. It's fine to demand time to grow the business, but make time to grow the family too.

There is so much sense spoken there

[dougair]

does male PND exist ?

It absolutely does and is not talked about enough.

[Rbains0708]

My partner has proclaimed our baby is unique and cannot go to a nursery to enable her to go back to work, he's 6 months old and a normal healthy baby.

She is now on the most basic level of SMP which she can take for another 3 months. I work as a freelancer so my income is not steady, and working from home with her milling around making noise and keep bothering me to show me cute baby outfits means I essentially am struggling to work at all.

It's not that I couldn't do some work, it's that I don't have any on and so she sees that as me being 'on holiday' and filling up my time with superfluous stuff meaning I'm not getting the time and space I need to focus on prospecting/canvassing and getting some work in. Her attitude is making me less than motivated about it too as I feel aggrieved that I'm going to have to work harder in order that she can swan about having days out with her parents and family, buying them gifts out of our joint account, pick up endless baby outfits which he wears once or twice, using only the most expensive nappies, etc., and otherwise not being part of a team.

I'm getting a bit concerned our situation is not sustainable, and her lack of ambition is a real downer for me.

Should I man up here and just take a job somewhere? My parents were both extremely hard working and that has given me a bit of an extreme work ethic and outlook on life so I may be being unkind to her, I don't know.

Anybody have any perspective on this?

Wow it seems you've really tried to paint a very unpleasant picture of your partner. She's doing what most women do,it's in her nature. Why should she go back to work? Her job now is to raise your son and any future children. Do what's in your nature and provide for your family. I understand the anxieties that go around that but it should make you happy to do so. Men and women have different roles in life.


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[Omegamanic]

She's doing what most women do,it's in her nature. Why should she go back to work? Her job now is to raise your son and any future children. Do what's in your nature and provide for your family. I understand the anxieties that go around that but it should make you happy to do so. Men and women have different roles in life.


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Im sorry, but that reads straight out of the 40’s-60’s to me. Most of us just don’t have such luxury of position in life to achieve a single income family. I know a few single dads, one very well - they do a bloody good job. My ex does a fantastic job bringing up my/our kids, but couldn’t have done it quite as well without my help and support.

Why should she go back to work - to bloody well help provide for herself and her child, that’s why. Unless the mother not returning to work has been planned it will likely not end well if she doesn’t at some stage.

Children are not such delicate/unique little snowflakes - well some of them are brought up that way nowadays and have such a sense of entitlement I fear a little for the countries future.

But...

Happy wife = happy life. Unfortunately some women will just be miserable creatures no matter what you do for them, I have a number of friends who suffer from this in their marriages - thankfully I’ve only had to deal with a couple of such, thankfully short term relationships.

I hope there is a happy medium to be reached - 12 months with the baby, and then return to work part-time maybe.

[MrSmith]

Men and women have different roles in life.

That’s so last century.

[Passenger]

I'd rather have a permanent job with a steady income than trying to find work and do it from home with a young family in the rest of the house.

There is enough upheaval in everyone's lives when a baby arrives, I can't see the benefit in adding to the stress by not being sure there will be enough money around.

You won't see your child during the week (not even after work for an hour or in the mornings?), but neither will your wife if you talk her into going back to work and neither do any other working parents.

Quite right. I for one find that last bit a tremendously sad comment upon the society we've created for ourselves.

[sestrel]

It's not just women, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-s...wales-44157222 you are allowed to say you are struggling, if you feel you can't express the problem directly for fear of setting off the other half a neutral third party support might be a good starting place. Sitting in silence isn't going to change anything other than your blood pressure and stress. Take care.

Thats interesting, poor guy...
I tried to get my ex to go to counselling when our son was born. Your not even third fiddle mate, even though you’re up in the night feeding and changing nappies at 0300. And your up at 0600 off to do a 12 hour shift!

[UKMike]

I haven't read all the detail of this but it appears that the OP has no mortgage and a car that is paid for. He also has no work at the present time.

His wife does not want to entrust first child to the care of others in a nursery. She has a strong educational background and good earning potential and at least one job that she can walk back into within the 3 month deadline.

Has the OP ever considered taking a partial sabbatical and looking after his child himself whilst his wife continues her career? Most of the answers above assume that the male is the breadwinner and in the 21st century this is no longer necessarily the case. By all means have the budgetting conversation and cut down on the credit cards, but also discuss all the alternative childcare options - nothing wrong with being a house-husband and it can be a very rewarding time for everyone.

[dougair]

Men and women have different roles in life.


Sent from my iPhone using TZ-UK mobile app

What utter rubbish! Thankfully this view seems to becoming a thing of the past...my daughter will be raised to know she can be whatever she wants be that a stay at home mum or an astronaut. It’s each families choice how the parent and how they work not society!

[ernestrome]

Did you know she was trying to get pregnant or was it a surprise?

[BadgerUK]

OP you sound like a right charmer and not selfish and self centered at all.
New mother wants to care for her baby and considers it the priority in her life for the early years of bringing up the child.

Wow that is a surprise, apart from getting your partner to adjust her spending habits to reflect you now have a reduced joint income I think it is you and your attitude that is 90% of the problem.

Did you not want the child or a long term commitment with your partner ?

[M4tt]

To be fair, I do think that what actually happens when you have a baby is something that most people wander into in an utterly unprepared manner.
As a veteran of six, spread over thirty odd years, I'm always slightly surprised that I'm caught out by it every time; I really should remember better. Especially about the sex, sleep and sudden sense of deeply bound protective love.

As such, I think we need a baby thread. One with the title 'when you have a baby...' and anyone considering having one (again) should read it.

I think I'll start it!

[Dave+63]

As such, I think we need a baby thread. One with the title 'when you have a baby...' and anyone considering having one (again) should read it.

I think I'll start it!

I’m sure there are plenty already on mumsnet!

[chrisb]

It seems that a lot of the respondents have not read or understood the OP.

[M4tt]

I’m sure there are plenty already on mumsnet!

Absolutely. However, I think I can rely on TZ - UK to produce one that is less *ahem* politically correct and a damn site more informative, not least because it's a slightly different crowd here. I'm pretty sure that we have slightly more grumpy old curmudgeons who have done their time, learned from it and have children who love them for it. Most, is suspect, wouldn't post on mumsnet unless the topic was how to remap your Quinny Zapp for for extra torque.

I've thrown it up - we'll see.

[IAmATeaf]

It seems that a lot of the respondents have not read or understood the OP.

And your advice?

[M4tt]

I should have added ours is 11 months now - once we got past 9 months I find it got easier.

Which is handy as No2 is due in 2 months.

It's easier and less stressful the second time - but really get the elder on side and joining in - all the way up to helping with feeding - but keep an eye on them to start with.

[chrisb]

And your advice?

I have no advice, as I have never been in that situation, but I do know how to read, and most of the responses do not address the problem raised.

[M4tt]

I have no advice, as I have never been in that situation, but I do know how to read, and most of the responses do not address the problem raised.

Only on the most literal reading. In this case, context is everything.

[Ares]

OP you sound like a right charmer and not selfish and self centered at all.
New mother wants to care for her baby and considers it the priority in her life for the early years of bringing up the child.

Wow that is a surprise, apart from getting your partner to adjust her spending habits to reflect you now have a reduced joint income I think it is you and your attitude that is 90% of the problem.

Did you not want the child or a long term commitment with your partner ?

Arguably you got it the wrong way round - it’s the OP’s partner who is selfish by simultaneously a) forcing the OP into effectively a one income situation and b) making it very difficult to work efficiently for the OP. Bringing up a child on one income is a luxury few people can afford - the very least the OP’s partner can do is support him as much as she can.

The fundamental issue is not who has caring responsibilities for the child - but the relationship and communication between the OP and his partner.