Partner Refusing to Go Back to Work After Baby

[200mwaterresistant]

My partner has proclaimed our baby is unique and cannot go to a nursery to enable her to go back to work, he's 6 months old and a normal healthy baby.

She is now on the most basic level of SMP which she can take for another 3 months. I work as a freelancer so my income is not steady, and working from home with her milling around making noise and keep bothering me to show me cute baby outfits means I essentially am struggling to work at all.

It's not that I couldn't do some work, it's that I don't have any on and so she sees that as me being 'on holiday' and filling up my time with superfluous stuff meaning I'm not getting the time and space I need to focus on prospecting/canvassing and getting some work in. Her attitude is making me less than motivated about it too as I feel aggrieved that I'm going to have to work harder in order that she can swan about having days out with her parents and family, buying them gifts out of our joint account, pick up endless baby outfits which he wears once or twice, using only the most expensive nappies, etc., and otherwise not being part of a team.

I'm getting a bit concerned our situation is not sustainable, and her lack of ambition is a real downer for me.

Should I man up here and just take a job somewhere? My parents were both extremely hard working and that has given me a bit of an extreme work ethic and outlook on life so I may be being unkind to her, I don't know.

Anybody have any perspective on this?

[tz-uk73]

Thats a tough one, very tough. Very sensitive conversation to have and the potential to go in any direction. It's early days, and I've seen lots of friends go through this and most are gagging to go back to work after a year, most part time but definitely back to work.

I would say that unfortunately the two couples who I know where the wife didn't go back to work are both now divorced. There were a lot of disagreements and they were quite open about their differences in opinion. Perhaps it was too much for them. Tread carefully.

Also hard to throw yourself in to work more when you'll be feeling more tired than normal.

I'd suggest some well measured relaxed chats about this, and perhaps some more time to pass.

[IAmATeaf]

If you don’t currently have work then I really can’t see how you can try and abstain from any/all involvement when at home, I’m sorry but that to me just makes no sense at all.

This I think might be part of the problem?

[200mwaterresistant]

Thats a tough one, very tough. Very sensitive conversation to have and the potential to go in any direction. It's early days, and I've seen lots of friends go through this and most are gagging to go back to work after a year, most part time but definitely back to work.

I would say that unfortunately the two couples who I know where the wife didn't go back to work are both now divorced. There were a lot of disagreements and they were quite open about their differences in opinion. Perhaps it was too much for them. Tread carefully.

Also hard to throw yourself in to work more when you'll be feeling more tired than normal.

I'd suggest some well measured relaxed chats about this, and perhaps some more time to pass.

Thanks, I appreciate this.

I can't say that I've not been thinking about splitting up over this already. She'll go back and live with her parents where she can avoid real life and be kept. I will still have to pay to support my child (fine, obviously) yet rarely see him, so either way it probably costs me about the same but the benefit overall is less if we split up. Mercenary terms to think in, but that's how I look at things.

I've gone through our joint account statement for the last few months and split out where the money goes (she's not interested in grown up things like budgeting, etc.), and it looks fine on the surface even with her reducing what she pays in to a few hundred a month - if I can curtail her spending. It's my plan to go through everything with her, for her to take ownership of household spending completely, and live within the budget we have. It will mean no more meals out/takeaways essentially and stop shopping at sainsburys and buying so many baby clothes... But we'll be fine until her SMP runs out and she brings no money in at all, so I guess this gives us 3 months grace.

[200mwaterresistant]

If you don’t currently have work then I really can’t see how you can try and abstain from any/all involvement when at home, I’m sorry but that to me just makes no sense at all.

This I think might be part of the problem?

I presume you're not self-employed?

I don't have work because I don't have the time free to find work due to 'helping out' - work doesn't appear on its own, it needs substantial effort to find and develop new clients. If I keep helping out, I will be unemployed. I essentially am right now.

[Omegamanic]

It's a very difficult conversation when the baby is still young and she is a new mother - her priorities are not the same as yours!

My relationship did not survive a similar scenario.

But... you need to have the conversation. It should have been clear before the baby was born, so what has changed, other than the arrival. Children are resilient and personally I feel they are better being exposed to lots of different children, and stimuli earlier on, to help them fit it.

Good luck!

[Dave+63]

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be with her or not. I’m not getting the vibe that she’s particularly important to you. This isn’t a criticism as I’ve certainly been there and so have many others.

If you decide that you do want to be with her then you need to talk. I’d be inclined to work out a budget and then ditch the cards for a while until you’re both comfortable with the money you have to spend. Clearly, without cards, you (she) can only spend what she’s got. She’ll figure out how to make the money go further without you telling her and will learn to appreciate the value of money more or decide that she needs to get back to work.

As with all these things, it’s best to let her decide what she needs to do without you telling her.

[ernestrome]

I'd try to separate the issues and work through them together, even though they are interacting.

1. Mother staying at home or nursery.
This decision obviously has knock on effects. Nursery is also very expensive, so it is helpful to compare her take home salary with nursery costs, there may not be a huge difference. Also it's good to know what the timescale is, til 12months, 18m, 24 or beyond? At some age 'free' childcare kicks in, is this 36m? That changes the financial calculation. Is she planning to go back to work at that point, or will she have had another child by that point? (buy some condoms :)).

2. Budgeting
If she will not budget then someone must. A brutal (but less brutal than separation) is to move to separate accounts rather than, or in addition to, a joint account. End
her access to any credit that you are liable for.
You'd pay an amount that covers all the agreed outgoings shared costs but that does not cover gifts and excess baby clothes. This clarifies things very quickly. I'd recommend this in your situation. There's very little need to buy new baby clothes, people (like your partner) who buy far too many are constantly giving them away or flogging them for peanuts.

3. Working environment
If you work from home you need to have space to do it in. It will help enormously if you can get her out of the house to baby groups and so on.

4. Staying together
As others have noted it sounds like there may be a wider dissatisfaction. On the other hand it's a very stressful time and it's likely the disagreements about work and money are making the relationship less satisfying.

[mrushton]

As the only person who is working you have no option but to seek work. What is/was your partners job. Is she self employed/working in a so-so job/a professional role eg solicitor/teacher etc. Did you have this discussion before the baby? she may want to go back to work in a while. But these are the tough decisions that come with being a parent and it never gets easier it just changes. You need to talk a lot before pressing the 'eject' button. just seen the post below - eg childcare costs. if your wife earned £1k per month but childcare costs £1100 then there is little point in going back. ernestrome makes good sense. of course his logic may not be seen as that by your partner who has those hormones swirling about.

[IAmATeaf]

I presume you're not self-employed?

I don't have work because I don't have the time free to find work due to 'helping out' - work doesn't appear on its own, it needs substantial effort to find and develop new clients. If I keep helping out, I will be unemployed. I essentially am right now.

I might not be self employed but I am a parent. When my daughter was born I used to leave home at 7 in the morning, get home at around 8 then helped around till around 1am. It would be my wife that would say you need to get some sleep but I never really used my work as an excuse as being a parent comes with responsibility, responsibilities that we both decided to undertake when we decided to have kids.

I am basing my thoughts obviously on my personal experience so your mileage may vary.

[EchoSevenNine]

Well i've no kids so my outlook may be a bit cold, but...

Although very special to you, your child is not unique and i see no reason why special attention is needed.

I feel that a child is better looked after and raised by at least one of the parents full time, rather than being farmed out to grandparents and child minders, otherwise, whats the point in having them. That said though. thats an ideal situation and most parents cant make ends meet on one single income ESPECIALLY in your case where said income is erratic.

To me she's blinded by hormones and the new baby, which is obviously VERY important to her, but thats no justification to put all financial weight on you, in my opinion.

As i said, i'm probably looking at this very objectively, but, maybe thats whats needed?

[ptcoll]

I presume you're not self-employed?

I don't have work because I don't have the time free to find work due to 'helping out' - work doesn't appear on its own, it needs substantial effort to find and develop new clients. If I keep helping out, I will be unemployed. I essentially am right now.

You need to get this point across to her - if you aren't allowed to seek work, then you both become bankrupt.
Start there, and then see if her opinion changes on whether she wants to stay at home all the time.

Pete

[alfat33]

Sorry because this is going to sound harsh.

For both of you your child should be your number 1 priority. If that means taking a dull but secure job, so be it. It won’t be for ever. If it means your partner staying at home because she wants your child to have a rounded life with his extended family rather than in a nursery, and that means you have to work harder/have less money, so be it. Even if your partner is just feckless, lazy or immature (not saying she is, but you seem to think she might be), you just have to dig a bit deeper because you are doing it for your child.

Time passes, your child will grow, you’ll learn how to manage everything better, the money will get easier and it won’t be like this forever. Your child only gets one shot at being young though.

[kevkojak]

Thanks, I appreciate this.

I can't say that I've not been thinking about splitting up over this already. She'll go back and live with her parents where she can avoid real life and be kept. I will still have to pay to support my child (fine, obviously) yet rarely see him, so either way it probably costs me about the same but the benefit overall is less if we split up. Mercenary terms to think in, but that's how I look at things.

.

The benefit overall is less??? You're talking about missing your son's entire life here, missing him growing up, and putting a financial figure on it (cost of maintenance vs cost of supporting a family). What a tw@ish way of looking at it (apologies for being so harsh).

Remember a two working parent family is a fairly modern thing. Most people I know had a full time parent and a bread-winner, we're barely going back one generation.
Do you feel jealous? Think she's going to have it easier than you maybe? Try taking a week off to do the childcare mate, you'll be begging to get back to the office I guarantee it.

Does your wife earn a shed-load of money in her job? Unless she's a high earner I think you need to take a look at the costs of full time childcare and appreciate that you probably won't be much better off on either side of this, except that in one case someone else raises your child rather than his own parents.
I wish it has been an option for us - if either of us could have quit work we most definitely would have done, except I run my own business and am tied into leases, and my wife earns the most money.

Just to try and offer something helpful here, see if your wife would go part time, maybe a couple of days a week. Those couple of days interaction with other children may be good for your son and it shows a minor compromise on both of your sides.

Personally I think you're being quite selfish over this one. It won't be a popular opinion but you posted it on a public forum so I guess you were prepared for positive and negative?.

[Templogin]

If you were talking about a child, you would give them an allowance to teach them financial responsibility, and they would have no access to the main funds.

I have been through a similar situation, only in that, my then partner couldn’t seem to get her head around that a sum of money can only be spent once. It caused me so much stress trying to balance the figures that the problem added to many others causing the all too obvious outcome.

Being with someone like this is like being with an arsonist. You never dare turn you back on them.

Society is hard on men who have split from their wives. The financial punishment will last 18 years. Can you have the conversation with the wife? Can you multi-task your work and your child's needs? Can you have a discussion with her parents?

[sestrel]

Lay it out, tell her the situation, avoiding the subject isn’t good enough. Some good advice above, tell her no more credit cards, not enough coming in. A partnership takes both of you to be on the same page.
How about her parents. Do you get on well enough to speak to them about it?

Also, the youngster will benefit from nursery if it’s a good one, help with development and immunity, being with other snot monkeys 🐵

[200mwaterresistant]

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be with her or not. I’m not getting the vibe that she’s particularly important to you. This isn’t a criticism as I’ve certainly been there and so have many others.

If you decide that you do want to be with her then you need to talk. I’d be inclined to work out a budget and then ditch the cards for a while until you’re both comfortable with the money you have to spend. Clearly, without cards, you (she) can only spend what she’s got. She’ll figure out how to make the money go further without you telling her and will learn to appreciate the value of money more or decide that she needs to get back to work.

As with all these things, it’s best to let her decide what she needs to do without you telling her.

Thanks, yes our relationship is empty, but I expected that with the baby and lack of sleep, etc. I don't want to make any decisions about the relationship itself right now because it is as good as it can be given the circumstances. We don't argue, we just don't communicate at all because the baby consumes every moment.

As the only person who is working you have no option but to seek work. What is/was your partners job. Is she self employed/working in a so-so job/a professional role eg solicitor/teacher etc. Did you have this discussion before the baby? she may want to go back to work in a while. But these are the tough decisions that come with being a parent and it never gets easier it just changes. You need to talk a lot before pressing the 'eject' button. just seen the post below - eg childcare costs. if your wife earned £1k per month but childcare costs £1100 then there is little point in going back. ernestrome makes good sense. of course his logic may not be seen as that by your partner who has those hormones swirling about.

She has an Oxford law degree and was a corporate solicitor in London for a few years (before I met her), though couldn't live with doing it long-term and quit to do something with value to the wider world, which is admirable. She has since worked in the NHS doing various administrative roles interspersed with some counselling (as she also now is a qualified therapist). The discussion before the baby was born was he would go to nursery at 6 months and she would return to work. Her old job is waiting for her but she won't take it because our baby 'cannot be trusted with nursery people'... It's coming off as just grasping at any reason whatsoever not to pull her weight as there is no reasoning with her. She won't go back to work because of the baby, and that's that essentially.

[canuck]

My professional opinion would be to discuss with your GP, set up a referral to a psychologist that should enable a couples counselling session. The reason I say this is because these feelings can in some cases lead to resentment of the young child who really has no active part in this. However though gets are not always recognized as just thoughts and ones emotions can be very challenging to understand in a way that leads to a meaningful plan to move past and forward.

I’d hate to see your relationship with him suffer. I can say that many people think and go through the feelings that you and your wife are and many people find a way to discuss it. Whatever road that takes you down will be okay but for the child it needs to promote a healthy ongoing relationship between you and your wife.... and let’s face it... a young child should be enjoyed as it can be fun and it really does go by so quickly.

Things won’t certainly stay as they currently are, but you can be part of choosing a path that leads you and your family to where you want to be. What ever that looks like.


I wish you all the best and feel free to pm if you’d like to know anything.

[Wolfie]

Honesty is always the best policy (espacially when it comes to relationships)

It’ll eat away at you and embitter you if you and her don’t address things together…. Ultimately the relationship won’t last

It’s a though conversation, but, lay your cards on the table and be as clear as you have been on this thread…. Relationships have to be based on understanding and compromise and you are perfectly entitled to be concerned about providing a firm financial footing for your young family…. You’re a partnership and you should (if possible) both contribute to that goal….

[Argee1977]

All i'm reading here is YOU have not adjusted to being a parent, your child is 6 months old, so she hasn't exactly had a huge amount of time 'off'. I also doubt there's much swanning about, so many things to do and no time to yourself with a 6 month old, the buying stuff and so on might also be more of a sign of mental issues due to having a 6 month old.

By the way you're talking, you've already started planning the exit strategy, and with the language you're using to describe your wife, i'll guess you're looking at ways you can blame her for walking away.

[Onelasttime]

Did you actually talk abut starting a family and the responsibilities inherent in being a parent before you brought a child into the world? Did you not consider your responsibilities as a father and a partner to your child's mother? Are you aware of the many changes that can occur after birth, when maternal responsibility to a tiny helpless human being trumps all else? Her 'ambition' is to protect and nuture her son, which doesn't involve farming him out to a nursery where he'll be surrounded by strangers – he's six months old for Christ's sake.

You've painted a picture of her as a money-grabbing harridan. Do you have any idea how much hard work and how tiring it is caring for a baby?

None of us can know the truth of your situation, but my conclusion, based on your OP, is that you sound selfish and unpleasant. Man up, as you say, and start providing the emotional and financial support that should be the prerequisite of any new father.

[ernestrome]

There is no such thing as multi-tasking, only task switching. Frequent task switching is detrimental to performance. Interruptions are detrimental to performance. Background noise is detrimental to performance.

When you are working you need to work. If he is working for thirty minutes or three hours that is what he should be doing. Then in the breaks or any periods when there is genuinely to no prospecting to be done you can spend it with the wife and kid. He can enjoy the benefits of flexibility that self-employment gives if his wife is willing to set some basic boundaries about working and respect them.

Speaking of which I must stop goofing off here.

[200mwaterresistant]

Being with someone like this is like being with an arsonist. You never dare turn you back on them.

Yes, this is kind-of where I've ended up with my thinking. How they say you can't have a relationship with an addict because the addiction always comes first. She is addicted to our baby - gets to pass this off as being a great mum (she 100% is), but at the total exclusion of anything else to do with life. The great thing when your addiction is a baby is that nobody is socially permitted to question you. It's ideal.

How about her parents. Do you get on well enough to speak to them about it?

I do get on well with them, but they live in this comfort zone of isolation from the real world themselves. They have caused her attitude and I feel if I try to raise the point that something is not quite right here, I will be taken as criticising their family and ostracised (they are a *very* close-nit family, they send at least 200 messages per day in a whatsapp group consisting of the parents and 5 siblings including my partner and nobody else gets let in to this world).

[ernestrome]

Did you actually talk abut starting a family and the responsibilities inherent in being a parent before you brought a child into the world? Did you not consider your responsibilities as a father and a partner to your child's mother? Are you aware of the many changes that can occur after birth, when maternal responsibility to a tiny helpless human being trumps all else? Her 'ambition' is to protect and nuture her son, which doesn't involve farming him out to a nursery where he'll be surrounded by strangers – he's six months old for Christ's sake.

You've painted a picture of her as a money-grabbing harridan. Do you have any idea how much hard work and how tiring it is caring for a baby?

None of us can know the truth of your situation, but my conclusion, based on your OP, is that you sound selfish and unpleasant. Man up, as you say, and start providing the emotional and financial support that should be the prerequisite of any new father.

What nonsense, he is asking about meeting his responsibilities as a parent. You can't fill a bath (or a bank account) without putting the plug in!

[redmonaco]

I know we are all different but I find your post astonishing, also most of the replies that seem to support you.

If you didn't want the responsibility of a child why have one??

Of course your wife will be excited about having a child, and buying them clothes and thinking them special is 100% normal. YOU should be excited and join in the fun...

As for not wanting your wife "Milling about making noises" in her and her child's home I think it should be you that gets a grip, mans up and gets out and earns some money...

To me you sound utterly selfish and like a spoilt child.

Of course, it may be that you are suffering from post baby blues in which case you should get yourself down to your gp and talk about it

[IAmATeaf]

I'm sorry but is it just me that can't understand the I'm looking for work so shouldn't be disturbed during normal office hours during the day/week statement?

As I said above, I'm not self employed or looking for a job or even have small kids anymore but I just don't understand how a full 7.5 hours a day can be taken up sitting at home looking for a job? I can understand contacting agencies and conducting phone/video interviews etc...

When I work from home I have simple system, if the door to the office where I work is closed then I m not to be disturbed and the wife/kids have to keep quiet as I'm probably talking or don't want to be disturbed. If the door is open then I don't mind the interruption and could probably do with a break.

[chrisparker]

The benefit overall is less??? You're talking about missing your son's entire life here, missing him growing up, and putting a financial figure on it (cost of maintenance vs cost of supporting a family). What a tw@ish way of looking at it (apologies for being so harsh).

Remember a two working parent family is a fairly modern thing. Most people I know had a full time parent and a bread-winner, we're barely going back one generation.
Do you feel jealous? Think she's going to have it easier than you maybe? Try taking a week off to do the childcare mate, you'll be begging to get back to the office I guarantee it.

Does your wife earn a shed-load of money in her job? Unless she's a high earner I think you need to take a look at the costs of full time childcare and appreciate that you probably won't be much better off on either side of this, except that in one case someone else raises your child rather than his own parents.
I wish it has been an option for us - if either of us could have quit work we most definitely would have done, except I run my own business and am tied into leases, and my wife earns the most money.

Just to try and offer something helpful here, see if your wife would go part time, maybe a couple of days a week. Those couple of days interaction with other children may be good for your son and it shows a minor compromise on both of your sides.

Personally I think you're being quite selfish over this one. It won't be a popular opinion but you posted it on a public forum so I guess you were prepared for positive and negative?.

That's how I see it. My kids are now 7 and 3, my wife worked in retail on a weekend (she's recently been made redundant). That meant me looking after our kids on a weekend - going back to work on a Monday felt like a rest.

A small part-time wage helped, as with retail wages a full-time position would amount to the same as nursery costs, and I'm grateful our kids have been brought up by their mother and me rather than nursery staff.

The big issue here seems to be working from home, I'm about to go freelance and will. I'll be working away from home as I know I just wouldn't get anything done at home.

[IAmATeaf]

For me @kevkojak and @redmonaco have summed up my thoughts on this precisely but I was just too polite to wade in :D

[Onelasttime]

What nonsense, he is asking about meeting his responsibilities as a parent. You can't fill a bath (or a bank account) without putting the plug in!

Shouldn't you be working, or something? Perhaps you love 'goofing off' too much…

[200mwaterresistant]

Thanks, some good views here from various perspectives and I appreciate them all.

I am currently in panic mode with the new responsibilities and I can see I'm being unreasonable and unkind to my partner in some ways.

I have been offered a full-time job which will mean I don't see my child at all during the week (contrary to some comments here, I actually love spending time with him too), but it would make things work for us financially and negate all of this situation. I think it is the best and only option overall.

[jimyu]

My wife and I are about to have our first child so this thread worries me!

Why is it your responsibility to be the bread winner? Why should your wife have the option of not working and not you? To me a child is the joint repsonsibiliy of both parents and both should be able to spend equal amounts of time with the child.

Every decision needs to be a joint one that you BOTH agree with and are comfortable with. If you both agree nursery is not best for your child then you both need to find a solution to make it work. Otherwise this is likely to really affect your relationship.

Me and my wife had the discussion before getting pregnant and mutually decided that we will share the parental leave and if we decide we don't want child to got to nursery full time, then we BOTH cut our working hours accordingly to make it work.

What seems to be the default postion of the father grafting whilst the mother stays at home is just archaic and not fair.

I really hope you come to an agreement.

[markc]

When my partner and I had our (only) child some years ago she took the full year off and then we worked out in money and time what would happen if she went back to work. It turned out that (once travel, childcare, etc., had been taken into account) we would be no better off financially and she wouldn't see our son apart from when he was asleep.

Our decision - which has been challenging financially - was that I continue to work and she stay as a full time mum. This has meant that our boy has grown up with at least one parent available all the time outside of playgroup, nursery and now primary school. Fortunately my job allows some flexibility in hours which means I see him before I go to work and am home for 5pm most days and can spend lots of time with him.

As pointed out earlier a child should be the number one priority and everything that I and my partner have done is based around that premise. Things haven't always been easy but we've made it work and are now reaping the benefits as we get more time back in his school years.

I cannot really advise on the specifics of your situation as it is undoubtedly different to mine but I will say that whatever you do - think about your child, this helpless small person depends on you and your partner for everything and that should be the primary consideration before making any decision.

I hope that makes sense and I also hope that you manage to find a solution.

All the best,

Mark C

[jpjsavage]

For me @kevkojak and @redmonaco have summed up my thoughts on this precisely but I was just too polite to wade in :D

Another vote for a bit of tough love here. We have had 5 kids. Over the last 23 years we have both worked hard. I've worked hard in paid employment and my wife (through her own choice I might add) has stayed at home to look after them and worked much harder! As long as things are discussed and agreed it should work. I understand that times are different now to when we started our family but living within an agreed budget hasn't changed has it?

[Dave O'Sullivan]

You seem a pretty ‘to the point’ sort of chap so I’ll start on the same foot.

You are coming across as a bit of an arse.

I fully appreciate that every situation is different and I certainly have no business to comment, (but you did ask).

I consider myself very fortunate that my mother stayed at home when we were growing up. When my wife and I had kids, she returned to work after a year, part time. She hated it and was constantly upset that she was missing out on the kids growing up. So she gave up. She was a teacher so was on good money and we could have done with the extra income but when I see how close she is to the kids, and how happy they are, it’s worth every penny.

The downside is that I obviously worked long hours to pay the bills. Therefore I couldnt spend that time with them also. However, as old fashioned as it might be, I consider that to be my role - to provide for my family. As sexist as it sounds, mothers are hardwired to raise their young, (and normally better at it than us!)

Talk to your wife. Ask her to open up and discuss why she feels she can’t return to work. Be honest with each other and try to see it from her point of view. If you can, take as much of the burden financially as you can. Take another job, anything. Your son is only 6 months old so still very dependent. You might find she feels differently in a year or two’s time. In the mean time, move heaven and earth to keep mother and baby together.

Genuinely, good luck. I hope you get this sorted.

[MurrayMint]

Thanks, some good views here from various perspectives and I appreciate them all.

I am currently in panic mode with the new responsibilities and I can see I'm being unreasonable and unkind to my partner in some ways.

I have been offered a full-time job which will mean I don't see my child at all during the week (contrary to some comments here, I actually love spending time with him too), but it would make things work for us financially and negate all of this situation. I think it is the best and only option overall.

I'd rather have a permanent job with a steady income than trying to find work and do it from home with a young family in the rest of the house.

There is enough upheaval in everyone's lives when a baby arrives, I can't see the benefit in adding to the stress by not being sure there will be enough money around.

You won't see your child during the week (not even after work for an hour or in the mornings?), but neither will your wife if you talk her into going back to work and neither do any other working parents.

[seikopath]

I think the first question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be with her or not. I’m not getting the vibe that she’s particularly important to you. This isn’t a criticism as I’ve certainly been there and so have many others.

If you decide that you do want to be with her then you need to talk. .

for me , davey is right

i haven't read the whole thread, but i don't get any sense of warmth towards the baby

baby should come first in this situation and not be 'an incidental' which it seems to be from the way you describe things

doesnt sound to me like you want to be a dad

if this is your first child, yes, it can be major shock, especially if not planned , but once baby is here, that has to be your priority

good luck mate. can't be easy

regards
dave

[kevkojak]

Too add to my last post, i don't wish to get personal about your own working life but given that you're a freelancer and stuck for work at the moment, would it be at all fair to suggest that you have come to run it as a lifestyle business? I.e. just doing enough to keep you going in the way you're accustomed?
If that's the case, you need to realise that that lifestyle has now been flipped on its head since your family has grown. Perhaps you're being a bit selfish in insisting you want to carry on down that path, and were counting on the extra wage from your wife to cover your own lean times.

No judgement here, i was in the same spot.

[Wolfie]

My wife and I are about to have our first child so this thread worries me!

Why is it your responsibility to be the bread winner? Why should your wife have the option of not working and not you? To me a child is the joint repsonsibiliy of both parents and both should be able to spend equal amounts of time with the child.

Every decision needs to be a joint one that you BOTH agree with and are comfortable with. If you both agree nursery is not best for your child then you both need to find a solution to make it work. Otherwise this is likely to really affect your relationship.

Me and my wife had the discussion before getting pregnant and mutually decided that we will share the parental leave and if we decide we don't want child to got to nursery full time, then we BOTH cut our working hours accordingly to make it work.

What seems to be the default postion of the father grafting whilst the mother stays at home is just archaic and not fair.

I really hope you come to an agreement.

Amen to that….

I think some of the posts directed towards the OP have been very harsh…. He’s been very honest…. It may not reflect your view of the world or mine for that matter, but, his honesty is to be applauded…

The fact remains he feels how he feels

I brought up two tiny kids on my own for a long time, so, know the challenges! You get our what you put in to kids and I have a great relationship with mine….

There’s a whiff of misogyny when there’s an automatic assumption that the bloke supports the little lady…

You’re in it together…. So, why shouldn’t she be mindful of what he’d like out of it? And why shouldn’t she contribute beyond looiking after the baby?

[200mwaterresistant]

Can't respond to each individual comment, but:

Yes, the baby is a huge shock to me. He was planned (by my partner, not me - I wanted to wait). I adore him completely though, don't get me wrong, I couldn't be without him.

I do love the baby, but at least one parent needs to be practical about working out how it's going to work. I am alone in this aspect, I would like to be in a team but my partner is in baby world and won't face anything outside of that.

My business is a lifestyle business. When I wanted a house, I worked really hard and bought it cash. When I wanted to move, I worked really hard for the difference I needed and paid it cash... Same when I need a new car, I work for it and buy it cash. When I don't have a goal in sight, I do enjoy extended free time. The problem to me, is that I now need to work really hard to be able to give our son everything I can, but I have a changed work situation now where I don't have the time/space to get stuck in and 'do this' like I have done it before.

As I've said, I plan to take the job and be normal. It solves so many problems.

[seikopath]

my partner is in baby world and won't face anything outside of that.

sorry to be blunt, but that is only to be expected at this stage and rightly so. thats just the way it is mate.

- - - Updated - - -

Yes, the baby is a huge shock to me. .

it is a big shock mate. in my experience first baby was probably the biggest single shift in my adult life. apart from buying my first sports rolex ( this second bit is a joke btw)

[seikopath]

I would like to be in a team .

you are in a team - team baby!

when baby comes along, everything has to shift to make way for it.

just sounds to me though like you don't want to be with her.

i don't know if this is temporary or how deep it is.


but in any case, its an incredibly hard and stressful situation for both parents. i hope you stay together and find a way to make it work, but if you can't, i hope you find a way to make things work for you both anyway!

genuinely, good luck mate. let us know how you get on.

[Sinnlover]

I have been offered a full-time job which will mean I don't see my child at all during the week (contrary to some comments here, I actually love spending time with him too), but it would make things work for us financially and negate all of this situation. I think it is the best and only option overall.

Whilst I don't have kids I do understand where you are coming from. (I fear my mrs would be similar, hence no kids yet)
I think you know the answer, I would take the full time job. Not ideal but it's the right thing to do in my opinion. The child needs to come first in all instances. Plus getting out from under each other's feet may improve your relationship.
I wish you all the best of luck

[kevkojak]

I do love the baby, but at least one parent needs to be practical about working out how it's going to work. I am alone in this aspect, I would like to be in a team but my partner is in baby world and won't face anything outside of that.

You're not a team, you're a family.
You are the patriarch and as it stands right now the main bread winner, that doesn't mean you're the most important - you're exactly one third of it.
Don't try to manage, you'll end up disappointed. Go with the flow as much as you can (you might need to learn to be a bit more easy going) and enjoy it, you're wishing your life away here.

P.S. You've just said the house and car are bought and paid for. If you're mortgage free at this stage you're in a better position than 99% of other first time parents in the world - seriously, relax a bit!

[seikopath]

You are the patriarch and as it stands right now the main bread winner, that doesn't mean you're the most important - you're exactly one third of it.

in my experience kev, when baby comes along, baby is most important, mum is firmly no2. and dad just doesn't even make the running. thats just how it is.

dad can feel alienated because mum and baby are locked up in an intense bubble of love , and dad can also be upset and even resentful because he isn't getting the same level of attention anymore, from mum or anyone else ( except maybe the dog if you have one ) and he also has to do loads of boring menial shit that he never used to before but that he just has to do now, even if match of the day is on. thats just the way it is.

[langdalematt]

Go to counselling and try to avoid divorce at all costs. Divorce is highly destructive and life changing and as long as there is no violence or abuse, you should try and work things out. Counselling will help you both understand each other’s position and hopefully you can find some middle ground.

My wife is divorcing me and would not go to counselling. I know she will regret it, maybe soon, maybe 5 years maybe ten years, but she will.

[seikopath]

Go to counselling and try to avoid divorce at all costs. Divorce is highly destructive and life changing and as long as there is no violence or abuse, you should try and work things out. Counselling will help you both understand each other’s position and hopefully you can find some middle ground.

My wife is divorcing me and would not go to counselling. I know she will regret it, maybe soon, maybe 5 years maybe ten years, but she will.

that sounds like a threat!

[thieuster]

I've read the OP's opening and all reactions. Imho, all replies contain a certain wisdom, experience and well-though advise. That shows how that you really need a 360 view to get it all.

I've not read that your wife is so close to the baby that she will not allow you near it. Can't you work something out where you do your job 3 or 4 days/week and she takes the other 'shift'? That way, your kid can be at home and she is getting used to getting back to work again. Even more: you can always come to the agreement that the money she earns can be spent on baby goods.

I think it is a win-win: you spend more time with the kid, your wife can connect 'work -> buying stuff for the baby' as a mindset.

Some parts of your story caused raised eyebrows, but I won't go into that because I think I am not qualified to comment on that. As a father of two (although it was at least 15 yr ago that they were so small), I think that 'Been there, done that - got the t-shirt' applies. At that time two friends and I owned a firm training Customs and Excise officers, Fire brigade chiefs and Police chiefs. We made a lot of money but I used to work more than 14 hrs/day. I also had the choice of not being able to see my kids grow, so I sold my part of the company to the other owners and went back to being a SEN teacher. Never looked back. In fact, the money I made from the firm, is now used as my retirement fund!

You can not always look ahead. Sometimes a permanent job has its advantages. Especially when teaching: we (the boys and I) were always together during school holidays. Now, in hindsight, a great time.

Menno

[200mwaterresistant]

I'm sorry but is it just me that can't understand the I'm looking for work so shouldn't be disturbed during normal office hours during the day/week statement?

As I said above, I'm not self employed or looking for a job or even have small kids anymore but I just don't understand how a full 7.5 hours a day can be taken up sitting at home looking for a job? I can understand contacting agencies and conducting phone/video interviews etc...

When I work from home I have simple system, if the door to the office where I work is closed then I m not to be disturbed and the wife/kids have to keep quiet as I'm probably talking or don't want to be disturbed. If the door is open then I don't mind the interruption and could probably do with a break.

I'll bite at this one final time.

As you say, you don't understand.

The fact you think 'looking for jobs' is what a freelancer does makes this clear. As a freelancer you look for projects to work on, rather than seek out a 'job' contract. That would be a contractor.

Where do projects come from you might ask... In my field, you create the project by finding a client (company) you think needs what you do. You need to identify many companies (prospects) as many aren't interested, have another provider, don't have any budget, think what you offer is too fancy for them, has a head office in Germany that deals with that sort of stuff, etc.

Say for 20 companies you will find one project. You now need to identify and get the contact details for 20 people across 20 different companies, most of which do not have a guessable job title, and are somewhat hidden and protected from sales calls. Getting to this person may take one telephone call, or it may take hours of piecing together who they are and trying different approaches such as guessing their email address, obtaining the information or an introductions from others, etc. Now you have a point of contact/target.

You then have to spend time investigating their company, what they make, what they do, what their latest products are, and exactly how what you offer is going to benefit them. This might take half an hour to an hour each. Then get your bespoke loose ideas about how you fit with their company together as bullet points for a telephone call (if you can get through), or craft an email which comes across as non-spam and gets them to consider what you are talking about.

Should you manage to get through to them and make a connection, you then hopefully arrange a meeting and go and spend a couple of hours with them to see if there's something there you can do for them, then develop that lead you have created into a sales package, go back and present it to them and hopefully get an order for your project.

What I describe is a sales strategy. It is not the same as 'looking for jobs and having interviews', and this is in addition to actually doing the work once you've got it.

On top of this, as a small business, you have also to do all of the other administration, accounts, IT support, keep your skills up to date, read what's going on in your industry and keep in touch with past clients, etc., etc., yourself - these aspects are not optional and take up considerable time also.

You seem to have seen a baby mentioned, gone into full social justice warrior mode, and discounted that I am trying to run a small business. Without me working on it, there is no business.

As you have no experience of what is involved, please accept that my workload is different to yours and that I am not necessarily garnished with the luxury of tossing it off pretending to work whilst also playing daddy whenever I feel like.

[guinea]

Different strokes for different folks.

My wife took a year off for #1 kid and was dying to get back to work. She took 9 months off for #2 and felt the same.

She's a smart professional who invested a lot in a career which she enjoys.

While none of my male peers at work have wives who work, that wouldn't work for us. The idea of coming home to a wife that's got nothing new to talk about other than the school run and how many poos the baby did isn't an option.

We don't love our kids any less than anyone else, we just know that a happy family unit for us requires both parents to be working in interesting and challenging jobs.

[seikopath]

I'll bite at this one final time.

As you say, you don't understand.

The fact you think 'looking for jobs' is what a freelancer does makes this clear. As a freelancer you look for projects to work on, rather than seek out a 'job' contract. That would be a contractor.

Where do projects come from you might ask... In my field, you create the project by finding a client (company) you think needs what you do. You need to identify many companies (prospects) as many aren't interested, have another provider, don't have any budget, think what you offer is too fancy for them, has a head office in Germany that deals with that sort of stuff, etc.

Say for 20 companies you will find one project. You now need to identify and get the contact details for 20 people across 20 different companies, most of which do not have a guessable job title, and are somewhat hidden and protected from sales calls. Getting to this person may take one telephone call, or it may take hours of piecing together who they are and trying different approaches such as guessing their email address, obtaining the information or an introductions from others, etc. Now you have a point of contact/target.

You then have to spend time investigating their company, what they make, what they do, what their latest products are, and exactly how what you offer is going to benefit them. This might take half an hour to an hour each. Then get your bespoke loose ideas about how you fit with their company together as bullet points for a telephone call (if you can get through), or craft an email which comes across as non-spam and gets them to consider what you are talking about.

Should you manage to get through to them and make a connection, you then hopefully arrange a meeting and go and spend a couple of hours with them to see if there's something there you can do for them, then develop that lead you have created into a sales package, go back and present it to them and hopefully get an order for your project.

What I describe is a sales strategy. It is not the same as 'looking for jobs and having interviews', and this is in addition to actually doing the work once you've got it.

On top of this, as a small business, you have also to do all of the other administration, accounts, IT support, keep your skills up to date, read what's going on in your industry and keep in touch with past clients, etc., etc., yourself - these aspects are not optional and take up considerable time also.

You seem to have seen a baby mentioned, gone into full social justice warrior mode, and discounted that I am trying to run a small business. Without me working on it, there is no business.

As you have no experience of what is involved, please accept that my workload is different to yours and that I am not necessarily garnished with the luxury of tossing it off pretending to work whilst also playing daddy whenever I feel like.

200wr

asking a question like this on a public internet forum , you are bound to get loads of replies you don't like.

don't get het up about it.

if you read something you don't like you can always just ignore it

enjoy some baby time. its a very special time.

all the best dave