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Thread: Any Advice Regarding Going Through A Divorce

  1. #1

    Any Advice Regarding Going Through A Divorce

    First time for me, have three kids 15, 13 & 11 anyone got any practical advice, do’s/dont’s etc. Any advice small or big will be appreciated.

    Thanks

  2. #2
    Master Papa Hotel's Avatar
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    DO get a solicitor. Top of the list.
    Pay an agreed sum of child maintenance by bank transfer, not cash.
    Note every communication. Try and do it by email, letter or text, keep a trail.
    Maintain a dignified public silence.

    DO NOT assume she will play nicely.
    Do not react to games. Do not react when you go to pick the kids up and you're denied access.

  3. #3
    Grand Master number2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that,
    Tough times ahead and the road isn't easy, don't use the children be honest with them,
    "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."

    'Populism, the last refuge of a Tory scoundrel'.

  4. #4
    Master
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    All of the above. A good solicitor will save you more than a bad one will cost you in the long run.

    Keep it civil as long as you can, if it goes sour at least maintain the the moral high ground. But don't give it all away and bow down to her solicitors demands. You have to live after the divorce as well.

    From someone who's gone through it, thankfully without kids involved, it's emotional in the extreme. Definitely speak to someone independent of the situation if you feel like you're not coping. Daily life can feel very surreal when such a change happens.

  5. #5
    Really depends if you are both civil, reasonable and sensible.

    Personally, I wouldn't get a solicitor. But your own situation will decide.

    I simply agreed a legal separation and maintenance directly, and had it witnessed - job done. No legal costs, no hassles. I was happy to pay a little extra than a court may dictate for the sake of saving thousands in legal fees, for both sides, which no doubt I'd have had to pay for. Plus my kids have probably had the most benefit to that.

    We still get on, and the kids are fine without any of the he said she said crap. It's not perfect, but we regularly have family meals and everyone is invited, and it's all civilised.

    If things break down completely though, then maybe it's time for the lawyers. I'd still avoid it as long as possible. Carrying out ever every conversation through lawyers like some friends have is incredibly expensive, harder to reach a sensible solution or compromise, and makes doing the best thing for the kids much more difficult.
    Last edited by Omegamanic; 19th April 2018 at 14:52.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Omegamanic View Post
    Really depends if you are both civil, reasonable and sensible.

    Personally, I wouldn't get a solicitor. But your own situation will decide.

    I simply agreed a legal separation and maintenance directly, and had it witnessed - job done. No legal costs, no hassles. I was happy to pay a little extra than a court may dictate for the sake of saving thousands in legal fees, for both sides, which no doubt I'd have had to pay for. Plus my kids have probably had the most benefit to that.

    We still get on, and the kids are fine without any of the he said she said crap. It's not perfect, but we regularly have family meals and everyone is invited, and it's all civilised.
    If you can achieve it, this.

    I make my final maintenance payment tomorrow. In a couple of weeks we're going out for a meal to celebrate my daughter's 18th birthday. It's not easy, especially in the beginning, where there are inevitably some raw nerves, and it's very easy to become upset, or to upset your ex. You will all get over it, eventually.
    Although no trees were harmed during the creation of this post, a large number of electrons were greatly inconvenienced.

  7. #7
    Do not attempt to bargain with children nor try to turn them one way or the other. Even if they're young enough to be manipulated now, they will remember it and resent you for it later on. Other than that the above advice pretty much covers it.

  8. #8
    Master Papa Hotel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Omegamanic View Post
    Really depends if you are both civil, reasonable and sensible.
    Mine started out like that, it's rare that everything stays lovely. When your ex makes a case with Child Maintenance Services because she thinks you aren't paying enough, it causes tension. When CMS make the calculation that you only have to pay a quarter of what you had been paying, that causes tension too.

    Do not assume she'll always play nicely, have your arse covered.

  9. #9
    Master
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    I don't have any advice for you but I wish you the very best of luck.

  10. #10
    Grand Master number2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Papa Hotel View Post
    Do not assume she'll always play nicely, have your arse covered.
    Use your phone to record conversations, keep all texts and any other communication, unfortunately at some point the poop will probably hit the fan.
    "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."

    'Populism, the last refuge of a Tory scoundrel'.

  11. #11
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    In my case, it became evident that my solicitor's business revenue needs came before what was best for me - in that, he wanted us failing to agree and negotiating everything through him. Even when me and my ex got close to settling something he would come up with some reason why I should hold out or try another approach so as to keep the plates spinning. As a result it dragged out and his costs racked up. I admit I was led but equally it's a difficult time and not many of us are divorce law specialists. I woke up to the situation - later than I should have - that my solicitor was a prat - so I dumped him and swapped representation - total different approach and we got there very quickly. I think what I am saying is - if you need a solicitor, get a good (recommended) one and make sure they do what you want. Best of luck.

  12. #12
    Master helidoc's Avatar
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    Any Advice Regarding Going Through A Divorce

    Hi

    I posted a long reply about my experience in this thread from August (#63)
    http://forum.tz-uk.com/showthread.ph...on-a-marriage/

    My exec summary would be:
    1) Mediation is good if the parties are on good enough terms

    2) My lawyer, for all the £235 per h plus VAT was awesome, and protected my interests

    3) Stay dignified

    4)The legal process is a juggernaut you can’t control, but finding things to control, such as staying dignified helps

    Divorce gave me a new life, and a new start. It’s one of the best things to have happened to me, although I couldn’t see it at the time.

    All the best

    Dave



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    Last edited by helidoc; 19th April 2018 at 16:03.

  13. #13
    Master
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    Keep your dignity!! don't get involved in name calling ect ect

    I went through it few years back. Try to sort the finances out between you then get solicitor to write it up for you to sign. Just remember more solicitors leaves less cash for the both of you . People waste thousand arguing over hundreds..

    Keep the kids out of it as much as possible.
    Last edited by golf; 19th April 2018 at 16:06.

  14. #14
    Can anyone recommend a good solicitor in Herts and preferably a woman. I am pushing for 50/50 joint custody which she is miffed at, but I work from home and she works most afternoons and evenings so I look after the kids. She also works Saturday mornings till early afternoon. So I hope I can get that agreed. Biggest challenge is the housing situation once we have divided assets as we both may need to rent for a while which is not great stability for the kids. Does anyone know how a judge may look at this?

  15. #15
    Master blackal's Avatar
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    Was just about to ask if you were in Scotland or England/Wales - as matrimonial law is slightly different.

    Get as much agreed amicably BEFORE getting it ratified with solicitors. Don't send every single bit of correspondence to your/her solicitor - they bill for reading each and every one, rounding up of course.

  16. #16
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    Took over a year to sort out mine from August 2016, and that was relatively simple and civil with no kids.
    Get a good solicitor that’s convenient for you, time gets eaten up fast. Nearly all my delays were due to the ex getting advised - by god knows who - to appoint a fancy city centre firm. I used the wee old boy next door to my work and he’d pop into see me for 5 mins to sort stuff instead of having to arrange appointments weeks in advance. (I could kiss her for the initial agreeement that we each pay our own fees haha)
    It’s great being civil but watch your back - people change when money gets involved.
    Its not easy but tends to be worth it.

  17. #17
    Master Wolfie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by langdalematt View Post
    Can anyone recommend a good solicitor in Herts and preferably a woman. I am pushing for 50/50 joint custody which she is miffed at, but I work from home and she works most afternoons and evenings so I look after the kids. She also works Saturday mornings till early afternoon. So I hope I can get that agreed. Biggest challenge is the housing situation once we have divided assets as we both may need to rent for a while which is not great stability for the kids. Does anyone know how a judge may look at this?
    Attitudes towards joint custody have changed massively and it’s now actively encouraged as a good solution... I went for full custody and if I were a woman, i’d ‘ve got it.... in the end the kids were with me 70% of the time anyway...

    Try and be civil (impossible in my situation!), but, do draw your line in the sand and 50% with the kids should be one of them, if that’s what you want... if you qualify for it, divvy up the child benefit payments between you (it’s a gateway benefit)... I tried to err on the generous side of fair as she got a cracking settlement on the house, but, she kept pushing it, so, I had to get everything legally tied up, which I’m glad I did...

    Getting divorced was one of the best things that ever happened to me... I had a wild 6 months and then met the love of my life and have truly happy ever since

    It can get grim... blow off steam with your mates and make time for yourself, but, it does get better

    Good luck...
    Last edited by Wolfie; 19th April 2018 at 17:04.

  18. #18
    Master Wolfie's Avatar
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    Ps…. Do not under any circumstances move out of the the family home until it’s all sorted

  19. #19
    Master Papa Hotel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfie View Post
    Ps…. Do not under any circumstances move out of the the family home until it’s all sorted
    Really?? I can't think of anything worse than living with someone you're separated from and having the kids in that toxic atmosphere.

  20. #20
    Master Wolfie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Papa Hotel View Post
    Really?? I can't think of anything worse than living with someone you're separated from and having the kids in that toxic atmosphere.
    Yes…. It was hell, but, I was under strict instruction from solicitor…. If division of custody is in question, you’ll be perceived as the absent parent if you leave…. It took over a year for me to get out…

  21. #21
    Grand Master Velorum's Avatar
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    Ive been through it twice now and cant really add anything to the above however I would say that the disorientation will pass and when you come out of the other side life will seem so much better.

    Best of luck with it.

  22. #22
    Master Papa Hotel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfie View Post
    Yes…. It was hell, but, I was under strict instruction from solicitor…. If division of custody is in question, you’ll be perceived as the absent parent if you leave…. It took over a year for me to get out…
    Ooft. I couldn't have stayed, I'd be dead or in prison by now! Plus I'm not sure the current missus would still be around if I was still living with the ex.

  23. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfie View Post
    Yes…. It was hell, but, I was under strict instruction from solicitor…. If division of custody is in question, you’ll be perceived as the absent parent if you leave…. It took over a year for me to get out…
    Yes, don't leave if looking for custody. Try and agree everything possible, before going to get anything looked at legally.

    Most recommended lawyers I know are/were recommended for their ability to screw the other party down - not a situation I would want or recommend, unless things are that bad!

    Both parties need to stay calm, be civil, and be as fair as possible. If you can achieve that, then I think it will go a lot smoother.

    Very best wishes
    It's just a matter of time...

  24. #24
    Grand Master
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    Try to keep solicitor involvement to a minimum, they charge too bloody much and (in my experience) they won`t give clear decisive answers.

    Try to keep things cordial and civilised. It'll be hard for the kids but if you're both honest with them it'll help a lot.

    Paul

  25. #25
    Master
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    3 pieces of advice:

    1. Put the children first.
    2. Put the children first.
    3. Put the children first.

    It’s easier said than done but if you can actually both do that, it will work out far better for you both. We managed to do that, didn’t use a Solicitor and agreed everything. Including joint custody.

  26. #26
    Master Templogin's Avatar
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    You loved each other once, and you can be friends in the future.

    Mentally, the marriage breakdown was hard on me, but we agreed no solicitors and custody of the boy. We split everything in half between us, debts and the house. We still occasionally text each other and I drop in to see her and her new (2nd) fella. We would be there for each other if needed, we are after all the parents of our child, and he is the most important thing. There was a lot of bitterness and angst in the first 18 months, but it's all in the past.

    My new other half had a bitter and acrimonious end to her marriage, and he won't speak to her despite haven been the one to initiate the end. It's in everyone's best interest, except the legal bods.

    Life is too short to not get on.

  27. #27
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    Not in Herts but I’m happy to recommend Clayton Miller in London: https://kmjsolicitors.com I live in N Herts & he was really great. Didn’t need to see him that often. I’ve got 2 young-ish kids & was afraid my ex was planning on taking them to South Africa for good. All fine now post-divorce and good relations re-established. Happy to PM or email or even to meet if you’re anywhere near Baldock.


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  28. #28
    Master Wolfie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Papa Hotel View Post
    Ooft. I couldn't have stayed, I'd be dead or in prison by now! Plus I'm not sure the current missus would still be around if I was still living with the ex.
    I could tell you stories that would make your toes curl…. She insisted on trying to move her new boyfriend in at one point…. I couldn’t have given less of a shit about her, but, it was confusing the hell out of the kids (who she never put first)…. I called the police to get him ejected, but, they couldn’t because he was invited in by a home owner! It was an interesting evening sat down watching the telly with those two sat on the other couch…

    I could do absolutely nothing about until I got a judge to put an end to it!

    I sometimes wonder how I managed?

    Anyway…. All’s well that ends well…. I’ve been happily remarried for nearly 10 years…. And she’s on boyfriend number 8!!! I have a very strong relationship with my kids and I would (and did) put up with anything to put their needs first

  29. #29
    Master wildheart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by langdalematt View Post
    First time for me, have three kids 15, 13 & 11 anyone got any practical advice, do’s/dont’s etc. Any advice small or big will be appreciated.

    Thanks
    My first divorce when I was 39, financially crippled me. My kids were of a similar age to yours, this was 1997. The CSA were a nightmare back then. Maybe things have changed? I left the house and gave her it in its entirety lock stock and barrel under the solicitors instruction. This was to keep CSA payments down. My accountant helped me with my books, and I worked for cash as much as I could.
    I got visitation rights for Tuesdays and every weekend. Tuesdays was a disaster and I soon cut them out. I ended up having the kids every other weekend from Friday night. It worked out really well and I have a fantastic relationship with them. They are 30+ now.
    Their mother moved a man in after two months an ex friend of mine, it gauls me that he now owns my old home.

    Don't just except the first solicitor you see... mine was recommended by a friend and proved to be hopeless, I think their are lawyers that specialise in helping men with kids?

    Toughen up, don't let the emotion rule your head, women are much tougher than men mentally... they will use anything to get what they want.

    My second divorce went to court and cost a pretty packet too, no kids involved but a nasty affair, you can read about that in the Bear Pit!

    Good luck, choose you council wisely, don't always listen to friends or family. Keep a clear head and remained focused, life after divorce exists.
    Last edited by wildheart; 20th April 2018 at 09:16.

  30. #30
    Grand Master JasonM's Avatar
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    You should had got a ‘companion’ in for the evening and made it really uncomfortable!
    Cheers..
    Jase

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by blackal View Post
    Was just about to ask if you were in Scotland or England/Wales - as matrimonial law is slightly different.

    Get as much agreed amicably BEFORE getting it ratified with solicitors. Don't send every single bit of correspondence to your/her solicitor - they bill for reading each and every one, rounding up of course.
    [Declaration of interest] this is my professional field (Scotland).

    Don’t penny pinch. Your Solicitor or Counsel should see all relevant correspondence/paperwork. Something you may think doesn’t matter could be a game changer.


    Sent from my iPad using TZ-UK mobile app

  32. #32
    I was divorced some years ago now.
    We did not use a solicitor and drew up an agreement between ourselves. We had 50/50 custody with me having my son 3 days and the ex 4 days.it all worked out very well and we still get on ok today 18 years later.
    I probably gave in the most mainly because I wanted a civil relationship. My motive was to keep things fairly amicable so that that when we had the back and forwards from the houses it wasnt awkward. The last thing I wanted was to spend the kids lives in angry arguments.

    If you are the main earner by a large margin you are going to be stung financially so it’s best to get your head around it now. A friend has just got through a messy divorce. £70k in fees and she got 80% of the equity.

    Good luck
    Last edited by awright101; 1st May 2018 at 12:46.

  33. #33
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deckard81 View Post
    I don't have any advice for you but I wish you the very best of luck.
    what he said... I have no experience of this but wish you all the best in this difficult period for you.. Good to see some sound advice being offered already so you're right to ask on here. Saves wading through various pages on the t'net...
    good luck OP..

  34. #34
    My divorce cost a fortune, she said her lawyer kept making her feel stupid, saying there is more there and she is entitled to it, my response was "you still instructed him"

    My point is:- you are paying the lawyers, they are not your friends, they are doing this for profit, the more difficult they can make it, the longer they perpetuate it, the more they make. and whatever assurances they give you, it is in their interest to make it as adversarial as they can.

    Don't argue through Lawyers about pots and pans and things of little importance or value.

    Might be a blinding statement of the obvious, but once you get sucked into the process, its easy to forget.

  35. #35
    Master steptoe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by langdalematt View Post
    First time for me, have three kids 15, 13 & 11 anyone got any practical advice, do’s/dont’s etc. Any advice small or big will be appreciated.

    Thanks
    Best advice i was given...... Don't take any notice of advice given by those who mean well. .

    Every situation is different with it's own unique set of circumstances.

    It's not all bad, kept my home and my son.

  36. #36
    I have not got a lot to add, except try and bite your tongue as much as possible. We have just about finished everything and the hardest point (which I cannot seem to get over) is not seeing my kids enough (8 and 10), and the fact they dont want to see me as much.

    Make everything explicit especially any assumptions on custody, pick-up times etc. Its much better to be disciplined now and then do work-arounds, rather than the other way.

    TBH I am struggling to see the wood from the trees right now, as it still feels rather raw.

    Finally, just to manage your expectations its a long process. The courts are slow, very slow. I applied for a decree nisi and got it in April. To be fair, apparently Jan, Feb and March are the slowest times.


    Good luck. Happy to chat via pm.
    Last edited by samswatch; 30th April 2018 at 15:45.

  37. #37
    Quote Originally Posted by samswatch View Post
    I have not got a lot to add, except try and bite your tongue as much as possible. We have just about finished everything and the hardest point (which I cannot seem to get over) is not seeing my kids enough (8 and 10), and the fact they dont want to see me as much.

    Make everything explicit especially any assumptions on custody, pick-up times etc. Its much better to be disciplined now and then do work-arounds, rather than the other way.

    TBH I am struggling to see the wood from the trees right now, as it still feels rather raw.

    Finally, just to manage your expectations its a long process. The courts are slow, very slow. I applied for a decree nisi and got it in April. To be fair, apparently Jan, Feb and March are the slowest times.


    Good luck. Happy to chat via pm.
    Hang in there mate, it does get better

  38. #38
    Grand Master thieuster's Avatar
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    I went to a divorce myself (no kids, that made things easier) and as a teacher I have seen and spoken tons of kids and parents who went through this rough stage of life. One pair of parents tried to make the best of it. I just want to share this. Perhaps you or someone else can use this example for his (their) benefit:

    In short: the parents agreed to keep the house they used to live in. The children kept on living in the house and one-parent-at-the-time stayed there from Wednesday-evening up until Wednesday-morning the next week. Then the kids went to school, one parent left to his work and later that day to his/her own new home. At the end of the Wednesday the other parent arrived from his/her work and to take care of the kids.

    They've done this until the last of three kids left the house.

    Menno

  39. #39
    Children are top priority and you need to get joint custody.

  40. #40
    Master Pitch3110's Avatar
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    So sorry to hear.

    However dark and miserable life may get, you will come out the other side and life will be good.

    Feel for ya and chin up.

    Pitch

  41. #41
    Master robcuk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Papa Hotel View Post
    Mine started out like that, it's rare that everything stays lovely. When your ex makes a case with Child Maintenance Services because she thinks you aren't paying enough, it causes tension. When CMS make the calculation that you only have to pay a quarter of what you had been paying, that causes tension too.

    Do not assume she'll always play nicely, have your arse covered.
    This, but they must have got their sums wrong! Appealed twice, each time they reduced their figure!
    ‘Suddenly I get told ‘I’ll keep accepting your money, but I don’t need it really’

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by Papa Hotel View Post
    Mine started out like that, it's rare that everything stays lovely. When your ex makes a case with Child Maintenance Services because she thinks you aren't paying enough, it causes tension. When CMS make the calculation that you only have to pay a quarter of what you had been paying, that causes tension too.

    Do not assume she'll always play nicely, have your arse covered.
    This, but they must have got their sums wrong! Appealed twice, each time they reduced their figure!
    ‘Suddenly I get told ‘I’ll keep accepting your money, but I don’t need it really’

  42. #42
    Grand Master Chris_in_the_UK's Avatar
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    Done it twice without solicitors - doable and far more cost effective.

    Quote Originally Posted by awright101 View Post
    I was divorced some years ago now.
    We did not use a solicitor and drew up an agreement between ourselves. We had 50/50 custody with me having my son 3 days and the ex 4 days.
    I probably gave in the most mainly because I wanted a civil relationship. My motive was to keep things fairly amicable so that that when we had the back and forwards from the houses it wasnt awkward. The last thing I wanted was to spend the kids lives in angry arguments.

    If you are the main earner by a large margin you are going to be stung financially so it’s best to get your head around it now. A friend has just got through a messy divorce. £70k in fees and she got 80% of the equity.

    Good luck
    When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks long into you.........

  43. #43
    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_in_the_UK View Post
    Done it twice without solicitors - doable and far more cost effective.
    Definitely the way I would go but you do need both parties to on the same wavelength

  44. #44
    Master Templogin's Avatar
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    Agreed. Easily achievable with this question

    Shall we give loads of our money to solicitors or shall we keep it ourselves!?

  45. #45
    Craftsman mikiejack's Avatar
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    @velorum as people are now talking about cost, wasn’t it you who tried the online quickiedivorce? Any good, or am I mistaken?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

  46. #46
    as has been said:

    put the children first and remember a functional but separated couple, is far better for the kids than a dysfunctional bickering couple living together...

  47. #47
    Craftsman mikiejack's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Xantiagib View Post
    as has been said:

    put the children first and remember a functional but separated couple, is far better for the kids than a dysfunctional bickering couple living together...
    I agree. My daughter is 4. Nursery commented on how much happier and better behaved she is since my wife and I separated. We hadn’t discussed the separation with them, timelines just matched.


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  48. #48
    Craftsman halfpasttwothirty's Avatar
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    Children aside...

    It's never going to be easy, but stow your previous life and try to move on.

  49. #49
    Grand Master Velorum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mikiejack View Post
    @velorum as people are now talking about cost, wasn’t it you who tried the online quickiedivorce? Any good, or am I mistaken?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
    I am waiting for the Decree Absolute at the moment.

    In the end we opted to use solicitors due to our various property interests. However as a result of some complicated Brexit style negotiations she agreed to pay all legal costs.

    Next time I will certianly give the DIY option a go though.



    .

    Sent from my [device_name] using TZ-UK mobile app

  50. #50
    Quote Originally Posted by Velorum View Post
    I am waiting for the Decree Absolute at the moment.

    In the end we opted to use solicitors due to our various property interests. However as a result of some complicated Brexit style negotiations she agreed to pay all legal costs.

    Next time I will certianly give the DIY option a go though.



    .

    Sent from my [device_name] using TZ-UK mobile app
    So a soft exit?

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