Reply With QuoteI remember when I bought a Universal remote control. I thought to myself "This changes everything"
I sold my Hoover........it was only collecting dust!
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Last edited by MB2; 16th September 2017 at 10:28.
I remember when I bought a Universal remote control. I thought to myself "This changes everything"
One day I'd like to be a professional mirror cleaner, it's something I could really see myself doing.
I walked into the butchers shop today and there was a pretty little thing behind the counter. I asked "pound-o-fillet", She looked at me, smiled and said,"pound you bloody don't!!!".
I tried to bet her fifty quid that she couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf but she said, "No way, the steaks are too high."Originally Posted by Ticker
Is this the right room for an argument.
I told you once.
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub.
Barman says is this some kind of joke?
I was walking down the road when a prawn cocktail hit me on the head, that was just for starters.
I couldn't figure out why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Why is abbreviation such a long word ?.
I just got home from work early and found my wife on a porn site, she'd better have a bloody good explanation when she gets home!
Did he ask if you wanted decking?
Hedgehogs- why can't they just share the hedge?
Copywrite Dan Antopolski.
I love all races; except, marathons, running sucks!
Why is it called 'building' when it's already built?
I was checking in at a hotel the other day behind a catholic priest who was getting a bit irate at the receptionist saying "please make sure the porn channel is disabled!"
It's amazing what some people are in to.
No you didn't!
I got banned from the stadium tour of Question Time. Turns out I misunderstood what a mass debate was.
Come dancing. Apparently some people can do that. (a Chubby Brown one-liner)
1. 83% of statistics are made up on the spot.
2. Doctor: "You've got hypochondria". Patient: "Oh no, not that as well".
3. I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?
How about a one-line will?
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Doctor doctor I've got a steering wheel stuck on my knob and its driving me nuts....
Does running late count as exercise?
What did the leper say to the lady of the night?
"Don't worry keep the tip"...
I was in bar tonight and saw a horse sipping a glass of wine! It was a Chardonneigh
Did you hear about the cannibal lion?
He had to swallow his pride.
Did you hear the joke about pizza?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
Diner: Waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Waiter: Of course there is sir, it's alphabet soup.
How was break dancing invented?
Gang-bangers trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.
Where's Dave? He got fired for sticking his willy in the bacon slicer? What happened to the bacon slicer? We had to fire her too.
A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gives her one
I told you that in confidence.
It's not you, it's another Dave, honest!
Not just a big nose...
Don't just do something, sit there. - TNH
My girlfriend likes to talk during sex........only last night she phoned me from a hotel...
I have spent the last 3 years looking for my ex wife's killer, but nobody will do it.
I hate those Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves
I asked my North Korean mate what life was like in Pyongyang. He said he couldn't complain.
I for one love Roman numerals
You can't tell a pun to a kleptomaniac, they always take things literally.
Rhetorical questions - What's the point
Went to an exhibition yesterday about 19th century French composers. Didn't stay long. It was too Bizet.
All these are absolutely brilliant!
My own personal favourite is from the genius of Bob Monkhouse:
"The laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now."
So clever my foot fell off.
My wife told me sex is much better on holiday. That wasn't a nice postcard to receive
My wife and I have decided we don't want any children If anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that
My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting... I immediately got off his lap
You've got a face like treasure.....so bury it.
- - - Updated - - -
Next time your passing....keep going.
Sprayed my tea!!!
Can still picture his face when he delivered the punchline. Genius, right enough.
I went to the zoo the other day - they only had one animal- a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
"Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book." (Frankie Boyle)
I heard a rumour Cadburys may be moving manufacturing of some of their chocolate bars to the far east...but it may just be Chinese Wispas.
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