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I took the shell off my racing snail to make it faster, but that only made it more sluggish.
It's Friday , so why not:
"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it faster, but that only made it more sluggish.
Dwarf shortage.
Barman looks up as the door opens and says "sorry Shakespeare you can't come in - you're Bard"
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Entered a Marathon the other day. It was horrible. Chocolate and peanuts all over my kn*b.
I don't like the new £1 coin, but then I hate change.
Crime in multi-story car parks - it's wrong on so many levels.
Can we just call this the Tim Vine thread?
You don't believe in coincidence? Oh my God, me neither!
Man goes in a bar. It'll be melons next.
Followed swiftly by man walks into a bar. Ouch.
"A man of little significance"
(Seen on a box of muesli in Canada)
Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
Breakfast of ChampionsOriginally Posted by unclealec
???
Someone help the slow whited out with this…
The world is a dangerous place, it was only yesterday I walked into B&Q and punched somebody.
Man goes = mangoes
You hear about the man who drowned in his muesli? He was pulled in by a strong currant.
And the man who lit a fire in his canoe and it sank? Just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Yippee, going to a deodorant party tomorrow night... Can't wait, roll on Saturday .
A friend asked me "what's your pet hate"?
I replied "anything stuck up his arse".
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Cokey but I turned myself around.
And that's what it's all about.
Breaking News..
Ne ws.
Or the elevator version of this ...
I saw two people having sex in an elevator. Wrong on so many levels.
I hate being Bipolar. It's amazing.
Mangos (as in the fruit)
I'm exhausted. There's a nap for that.
According to statistics nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.
According to statistics, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Based on recent research, 67% of the people in this country are good at maths. The other 45% could do better.
Glad I wasn't the only one..
"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."
'Populism, the last refuge of a Tory scoundrel'.
Man goes- mangos ...
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Is that a doughnut or a meringue- nah yer right enough it's a doughnut(Scottish accent required)
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When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
My girlfriend went with the bird fanciers club to the nudist beach. She tells me she saw a cockatoo.
Went to the doctor to get a mole removed from my willy. He said it it happened again he would call the RSPCA.
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I've just finished my research into the effects of alcohol on walking - the results were staggering.
I strongly believe in "love thy neighbour". My wife isn't impressed.
The Glasgow 1-liner :
Is that a cake or a meringue ?
No. You were right. It's a cake.
The Liverpool 1-liner.
In the 1930's 1 in 10 men in Liverpool worked for Cunard.
The rest of them were just lazy.
A woodworm walked into a pub and asked "is the bar tender here?"
Skeleton walks into a pub and says, I'd like a pint of beer and a mop
Fuck you, a@$&#/e. - The Terminator (1984)
"Error, no keyboard. Press f1 to continue"
Belter!
"A modest man, with much to be modest about"
I went to the doctors the other day, he said I haven't seen you for a long time. I said no I've been ill.
I always though wan kin was a place in china until I discovered Smirnoff.
If Plan A fails don't worry you have 25 other letters.
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Two elephants fell off a cliff.........boom boom.
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Thank you!
I used to be a gynecologist, but I only do it part time to keep my hand in.
Andy
Diarrhoea week starts on Monday - runs 'til Friday.
p.s. I'm not going to explain this one.
"A man of little significance"
I got into a taxi the other day and said "King Arthurs Close", the driver said "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next roundabout"
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