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Thread: How and when do you decide it's time to pull the plug on a marriage?

  1. #1

    How and when do you decide it's time to pull the plug on a marriage?

    I struggle with this. Been married bout 17 years and have struggled through most of them. But I do have 2 young kids and it's makes it difficult to know what to do. I feel like I am losing my children, especially my daughter and I really can't work out what is best for me to do for them. I do have a strong fear of losing them, and I get this from seeing the kids (some now grown up) of divorced families.

    Her mother has strong idea's on next steps for me, but I don't particularly relish my demise as much as she does.

    So I am curious have others managed the process. Also there is no evidence that anything is likely to be amicable even though that's what is best. I also have been told that I should not leave the house.

    So it's even more conflicted.

    Thanks

  2. #2
    Relate counselling?

    https://www.relate.org.uk

    R
    Ignorance breeds Fear. Fear breeds Hatred. Hatred breeds Ignorance. Break the chain.

  3. #3
    Administrator swanbourne's Avatar
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    Every marriage has rough patches, you just work at it and come out the other side OK. Married 40 years this year :-)

    Eddie
    Whole chunks of my life come under the heading "it seemed like a good idea at the time".

  4. #4
    Stick with it, it's all about compromise, if you go, keeping the relationship with your kids solid, having any control over their upbringing and seeing them grow up, is all very hard work. Especially when your wife finds a new husband.

  5. #5
    Master
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    You and your wife made a promise, so stick with it.

    Until recently I was a School Governor and I have lost count of the number of times that Teachers told me that the most common reason for kids going off the rails and just not concentrating was when their parents split up. Teenagers dread the thought of their parents splitting up as it is their ultimate nightmare.

  6. #6
    Master KavKav's Avatar
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    Fight to keep your marriage and try to fix what is not working, if that seems impossible, try harder! If at the end of the day the differences cannot be reconciled and you have to walk away, be certain for your ongoing peace of mind that you walk with a clear comfort zone that you did everything you possibly could to save the relationship. Good luck!

  7. #7
    I know marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment but if you've had 17 unhappy years I can't recommend you go through 17 more.

  8. #8
    Grand Master Saint-Just's Avatar
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    For the marriage to work, especially through testing times, both partners need to want to make it work.
    'Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain' - Schiller.

  9. #9
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    Better to jaw jaw than war war.
    Talk with her.
    Talk calmly and as objectively as you both can.
    The suggestion of "Relate" is good:talk with an uninvolved but trained counsellor.
    If that fails instruct a family law solicitor recommended to you (eg friends etc).
    You only go to court for something only a court can give you:you and your wife can try and reach a reasonable solution for separation/divorce if reconciliation fails.
    The only "winners" in divorce are the lawyers.
    I am sure you are thinking carefully at this point but the tenor of your post makes me think reconciliation may be difficult but think even more carefully still.
    As others have said,keep trying as all may not be lost.
    Good luck to you both.

  10. #10
    Thanks for the advice, I have to think. I have been in this position before more than once and stay for the sake of the kids. we have tried counselling both together and me individually.

  11. #11
    Grand Master Neil.C's Avatar
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    That's a sad story and one only too common.

    Make every effort and stick together for the sake of the children is my take.

    You and your wife must have been compatible once, try and get back to that.

    Relate is a good idea if you are both willing.
    Cheers,
    Neil.

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  12. #12
    I feel your pain, I've just come out the other side of a divorce. Again the greatest fear for me was not having my daughter at home with me, still hurts but no way could I of stayed married being miserable just for the sake of my daughter.

    I miss my daughter when she's not staying with me but deep down could you really stay together just for the kids?

    If relate hasn't worked then maybe it's time to call it a day and set yourself up the best you can, having family and friends at hand will help and just be honest with your children and promise to always be there at every chance...

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by samswatch View Post
    Thanks for the advice, I have to think. I have been in this position before more than once and stay for the sake of the kids. we have tried counselling both together and me individually.

    Been there and even though I feared things would come to an end we pushed through and we have just celebrated our 25th anniversary. Very glad we stuck with it.

    Trying not to be sexist but I have seen something of a pattern when women are around the age of 40, when the kids are out of the baby stage and they start to question what it's all about. I have seen friends go through similar things and most have stuck with it and seem happier now. It doesn't help if their friends or parents are against you.

    I would agree with relate, but this does depend on the chemistry with the counsellor and if they can remain truly neutral.

  14. #14
    Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by swanbourne View Post
    Every marriage has rough patches, you just work at it and come out the other side OK. Married 40 years this year :-)

    Eddie
    As Eddie said try and work it out, we went through a sticky patch after 20 years married 41 years next week.

  15. #15
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    Based on my experience I'd say the key is both parties having a willingness and a desire to work things out. If you have that then counselling or just plain talking and quality time together can bring you closer together again. Young kids are stressful and massively reduce the quality time upon which your relationship was founded so it's no surprise to feel things are different because they are.
    The hardest part can be really trying especially if you've lost sight/feel for what made your partner so attractive in the first place. The key to rediscovering this can be quality kid free time. Don't feel guilty about doing whatever you need to do to secure some of this regularly and do stuff you both enjoy and new experiences. Sharing new experiences creates powerful bonds and increases closeness.
    If that fails and you're sure you've done everything then talk about how to separate with the minimum of upset and the best for you both. Unfortunately this means hoping for the best but planning for the worst. Separated partners can easily become people you barely recognise and many fail to do what's best for the children and use access or their emotions as leverage. Knowing your legal rights and securing agreement to as much as possible as quickly as possible reduces friction down the line. If you accept the role of 'non-resident parent' then your partner will have a lot of control so aim for equal responsibility if possible.
    Good luck and pm me if you wish to chat. I'm a trained mediator and am looking into family mediation with a view to undertaking some voluntary work with parents contemplating separation so as to afford cheap access to mediation to negate the confrontation that often flows from involving solicitors. That is not in the kids best interests unless one parent is being unreasonable.
    Finally, you can be a great Dad post separation but the road will have it's tough times. Your kids will get through, often cope better when younger, and you too only have one life. You'll feel guilty for years to come but your kids will see two happier parents which is arguably a better life lesson than staying together and being miserable.
    Good luck.

  16. #16
    Craftsman
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    So long as you've both tried your hardest to save your marriage then that's all you can do. I was married 15 yrs, 2 kids, tried relate but she wasn't interested. Even the relate counsellor said the ex was unreasonable. Main thing is try not to have the kids in a tug of war. Make time for them as much as you can, it takes time but kids are resilient little things.
    If you do go down the permanency of divorce, do it swiftly and get financial separation asap otherwise you end up paying for a house you can't go in and another bloke in situ.
    Good luck going forward

  17. #17
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    I don't think staying for kids in the scenario you've described works. Sounds like a broken home already, just with two parents there. Personally I think it's better for the kids to see both parents happy, which doesn't come across. If you've tried counselling, you either understand the issues and haven't dealt with them, or you've not got to the issues. If it's the latter, worth another session. If the former, give it up.

  18. #18
    Grand Master VDG's Avatar
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    I am struggling to understand the bit where you were told that you should not leave the house.. What's up with that?
    Fas est ab hoste doceri

  19. #19
    Grand Master Saint-Just's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VDG View Post
    I am struggling to understand the bit where you were told that you should not leave the house.. What's up with that?
    If he leaves the house he gives his wife a massive advantage in court
    'Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain' - Schiller.

  20. #20
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    Last edited by Analogue; 15th September 2017 at 04:03.

  21. #21
    Master pacifichrono's Avatar
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    Is there another woman or man involved with you or your wife who clouds and taints your marriage? If so, the odds of successfully navigating a repair of your marriage are nil. I speak from experience.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gurmot View Post
    Been there and even though I feared things would come to an end we pushed through and we have just celebrated our 25th anniversary. Very glad we stuck with it.

    Trying not to be sexist but I have seen something of a pattern when women are around the age of 40, when the kids are out of the baby stage and they start to question what it's all about. I have seen friends go through similar things and most have stuck with it and seem happier now. It doesn't help if their friends or parents are against you.

    I would agree with relate, but this does depend on the chemistry with the counsellor and if they can remain truly neutral.
    I don't think you're sexist, but I do think you're skewed by personal experience. I've seen lots of men go off the rails in their early 40s for the same reasons as you describe - I was one of them - and I'm lucky that my wife agreed to give it another shot. It's far from plain sailing, but we've now been together for 25 years.

    Interestingly, although we used their services, neither of us would give Relate more than 2/5 - certainly didn't gain any real insights, nor did we feel in any way 'healed' by the process. If anything, we were united in our loathing of the sessions, though arguably that still meant the aim of bringing us back together was achieved!

  23. #23
    Grand Master number2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pacifichrono View Post
    Is there another woman or man involved with you or your wife who clouds and taints your marriage? If so, the odds of successfully navigating a repair of your marriage are nil. I speak from experience.
    Agreed, if there's a third party involved its a huge hill to climb, most including me don't make it.
    "Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it's enemy action."

    'Populism, the last refuge of a Tory scoundrel'.

  24. #24
    Craftsman
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    Your relationship may come out stronger if you're both willing to work out the issues.

    Deep down though, only you know if it's going to work or not.

  25. #25
    Cheers for all the replies, for the record there is no one else.

    I don't suspect its hormonal or anything on either of our parts, I just think I am just tired of all of it. It feels like being in the rat race but a different one for work and home. The latter is far more difficult.

    Its that quote about doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. We have tried all the 'dating'/ quality time etc but at any hint of the boat tilting away from the norm or an expectation not being met (articulated or not), we move to the Titanic scenario - chaos etc.

  26. #26
    Grand Master
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    Exit Wife, Enter Life

    You only get so many heartbeats so make them happy ones
    RIAC

  27. #27
    You can be damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you leave, you may find that person to put the fun back in life again. On the other hand, you may not, which is then a doubly unhappy position to be in. It seems to me from what you have written, which isn't a lot, that if you left you could well be an unhappy person by themselves instead of an unhappy person in a marriage.

    I think the key is to start looking at life and it's experiences in a more positive light. Get off your bum (metaphorically) and give yourself something to look forward to. A concert, trip to the theatre, whatever floats your boat. Try new things. Go to the boat show, hire a couple of kayaks, Walk up a mountain (I recommend Pen-y-Fan, Storey Arms route) then go into Brecon for a coffee and cake, and I suspect right now you might be thinking up reasons why you can't do each of those things but stop thinking negatively and start thinking about what you can do!

    Be happy! :)

  28. #28
    Master steptoe's Avatar
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    As the great philosopher of life, Kinky Friedman, once said about a failing marriage "when the horse is dead quit trying to ride it" .

  29. #29
    Grand Master snowman's Avatar
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    I think some of the earlier posts are pretty unhelpful.

    I've been married 27 years, ups and downs, but whilst we're not a deliriously happy, loved up couple, we're clearly a long way from the OP - A lot of that is down to giving each other space.

    We're off to Jordan for 11 days soon as we'll enjoy that together - next year she's probably going butterfly spotting in Croatia whilst I scuba dive in the Maldives! It works for us.

    However, it's not true that all marriages can stay on a happy (or even amicable) basis.

    I'd think long and hard about leaving the kids if I were the OP, BUT having two parents who clearly don't get on isn't great for kids either, so don't make them the reason to be miserable for another 20 years!

    catch21 makes an interesting point - Is the marriage THE problem or is your life just a bit empty? I see some men who aren't 'allowed' to do things by their wives, which is no way to live (OK, not spending lots of money you don't have, but going away for a short break - diving usually in my case - or out for an evening - I like live music, my wife's less keen, so I go on my own, with my daughter or friends!).

    I'm thinking of divorcing my kids - They're 25 and 20 and despite constant grumbling, show no actual signs of moving out!

    M
    Last edited by snowman; 21st August 2017 at 12:48.

  30. #30
    always a bit critical of couples who just give up and don't at least try counseling etc ... until it happened to a mate of mine with young children and he said it was better for the kids to have two happy, separated parents than quarrelling, bitter, distant 'together' parents...

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by samswatch View Post
    It feels like being in the rat race but a different one for work and home. .
    Have you discussed this with your wife? Why do you feel like that? Is she not pulling her weight or do you as a couple just take on too much? Do less hoovering, iron less, eat simpler meals. If the pressures are financial then make your life cheaper, get rid of the new car and buy an old one, extend the mortgage term, whatever it takes to take the pressure of and just enjoy life a bit more.

  32. #32
    Grand Master mart broad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chrisparker View Post
    I know marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment but if you've had 17 unhappy years I can't recommend you go through 17 more.
    This^
    Try the Relate type route but in truth what does your wife want? it takes two to tango and if she is not interested then ask yourself do i need to move my life on? as i assume you have a good few years of it left and it is for living.

  33. #33
    Craftsman Cyclone's Avatar
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    How and when do you decide it's time to pull the plug on a marriage?

    For me it would depend on what the current impact was on the kids, seeing their parents unhappy. I was 12 when my parents split, and although it was immediately very upsetting, it soon became clear to me even as a child that it was for the best for our family, as it was obvious that my parents were not a happy couple, and hadn't been for some time. The upset fairly quickly turned to relief once they split.

    I lived with my mum, so obviously saw less of my dad, but the difference was when I did spend time with him it was clear that he was (eventually) a happier person.

    I guess my advice is, don't assume the impact will be purely negative on your kids. After 17 years of issues, I'd be doing what is best for me and parting ways with the wife, but working my hardest to keep a strong relationship with the kids, and I say that as a married father of 2 myself.

    All the best.
    Last edited by Cyclone; 21st August 2017 at 20:04.

  34. #34
    Grand Master VDG's Avatar
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    If Relate.co.uk fails, soundoode.co.uk has some pretty interesting ideas, or so he tells everyone ;)

    on a more serious note, if you and your wife are unhappy, it may be a blessing for everyone involved to go their separate ways and try to start fresh while you both can?
    Fas est ab hoste doceri

  35. #35
    Master -Ally-'s Avatar
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    Bin her.

    I wouldn't wish to spend one day with someone who made it feel like a struggle, let alone the rest of my life.

  36. #36
    Grand Master Velorum's Avatar
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    I hope that things work out for you.

    I know from personal experience how disorientation and upsetting it can all be and learned a lot from how my first marriage ended nearly 30 years ago. Too much emotion and not enough logical thought saw me badly ripped off and I had to start life again with nothing.

    This evening my wife and I agreed to separate and I hope that this will be a more civilised and equitable process. it has certainly started in a logical and business like way which is a good things as there are a number of business interests to untangle as well as multiple properties.

    Funny old business, life.

  37. #37
    Master Kirk280's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velorum View Post
    I hope that things work out for you.

    I know from personal experience how disorientation and upsetting it can all be and learned a lot from how my first marriage ended nearly 30 years ago. Too much emotion and not enough logical thought saw me badly ripped off and I had to start life again with nothing.

    This evening my wife and I agreed to separate and I hope that this will be a more civilised and equitable process. it has certainly started in a logical and business like way which is a good things as there are a number of business interests to untangle as well as multiple properties.

    Funny old business, life.
    Wow. I wish you all the best mate. Good luck.

  38. #38
    Grand Master Velorum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirk280 View Post
    Wow. I wish you all the best mate. Good luck.
    Thanks!

    Fortunately there are no third parties so that makes it more straightforward.

  39. #39
    Master
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    You know what is right and what is wrong, you get one life and there is no need to spend it unhappy.

  40. #40
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    Just finalising my divorce right now.

    You cannot sustain a marriage if there is no partnership. You cannot make someone cooperate and compromise when its supposed to be a mutual partnership. They have to want to do it themselves.
    If they resent you putting them in that situation you will also grow to resent them.

    The biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was marrying my wife.

    Also with women its like flicking a switch: when they decide you are wrong for them its game over. You become public enemy number one no matter what you do , you will then get treated with contempt regardless.
    There is no way back when that switch is flicked , I've had every woman I've ever said this to agree with me.

    Disengaging emotionally and being civil and non-reactionary is the best approach.

  41. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeremy67 View Post
    Have you discussed this with your wife? Why do you feel like that? Is she not pulling her weight or do you as a couple just take on too much? Do less hoovering, iron less, eat simpler meals. If the pressures are financial then make your life cheaper, get rid of the new car and buy an old one, extend the mortgage term, whatever it takes to take the pressure of and just enjoy life a bit more.
    If this is casual i.e. you're both knackered and stressed then this is brilliant advice.

    My wife has very unrelenting standards. I needed to stand my ground and said I was exhausted. If she had to step over my shoes for a few days then that'll have to do, things improved.

  42. #42
    Grand Master Dave+63's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velorum View Post
    Thanks!

    Fortunately there are no third parties so that makes it more straightforward.
    Good luck Ian, I just hope she doesn't want the cars!

  43. #43
    Grand Master Velorum's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave+63 View Post
    Good luck Ian, I just hope she doesn't want the cars!
    Thanks Dave.

    The cars are where I draw the line!

  44. #44
    Master bond's Avatar
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    How and when do you decide it's time to pull the plug on a marriage?

    Only the OP will know when it's time . In fact I thought it was time to pull many a time and instead of going in that direction- I went the other way and gave it my all . I thought my marriage was over just over two years ago. I didn't want it to be so I tried my utmost to make it work and get back to when we were happy. Glad I tried as I was sure there was no way forward. With thanks to some sound advice off the forum and one guy here I particular -it unbelievably improved. Sometimes throwing the towel in isn't always the best answer . I wish you the best of luck whichever way you go
    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  45. #45
    Master bond's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bond View Post
    Only the OP will know when it's time . In fact I thought it was time to pull many a time and instead of going in that direction- I went the other way and gave it my all . I thought my marriage was over just over two years ago. I didn't want it to be so I tried my utmost to make it work and get back to when we were happy. Glad I tried as I was sure there was no way forward. With thanks to some sound advice off the forum and one guy here I particular -it unbelievably improved. Sometimes throwing the towel in isn't always the best answer . I wish you the best of luck whichever way you go

    Ultimately only you will know when it's unfortunately time to call it a day .
    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  46. #46
    Thank you all.

  47. #47
    Master Kirk280's Avatar
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    All the best Sam. And if your marriage does end then I recommend trying to pull girls half your age (unless you are <36...)

  48. #48
    [QUOTE=Martylaa;4464721]I feel your pain, I've just come out the other side of a divorce. Again the greatest fear for me was not having my daughter at home with me, still hurts but no way could I of stayed married being miserable just for the sake of my daughter.

    I miss my daughter when she's not staying with me but deep down could you really stay together just for the kids?

    QUOTE]

    This is the only bit I struggle with and I miss them even when I live with them. Playing the scenario of living without them is difficult.

  49. #49
    Master
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    [QUOTE=samswatch;4468794]
    Quote Originally Posted by Martylaa View Post
    I feel your pain, I've just come out the other side of a divorce. Again the greatest fear for me was not having my daughter at home with me, still hurts but no way could I of stayed married being miserable just for the sake of my daughter.

    I miss my daughter when she's not staying with me but deep down could you really stay together just for the kids?

    QUOTE]

    This is the only bit I struggle with and I miss them even when I live with them. Playing the scenario of living without them is difficult.
    Its the thing that will tear you up but you will get used to it after some time. and you will be able to move forwards with life.
    I told myself the same thing for years , I miss my children terribly but I know they are okay and I know when they are older they can decide for themselves who they want to spend time with in their lives.

    Don't think about the losses , think about the gains.

  50. #50
    Grand Master Neil.C's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Martylaa View Post
    I feel your pain, I've just come out the other side of a divorce. Again the greatest fear for me was not having my daughter at home with me, still hurts but no way could I of stayed married being miserable just for the sake of my daughter.

    I miss my daughter when she's not staying with me but deep down could you really stay together just for the kids?
    Definitely.

    I would never have walked out on my three boys, no matter what.
    Cheers,
    Neil.

    My Speedmaster website:

    http://www.freewebs.com/neil271052

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