Mid Life Crisis? at 31?

[miniman1983]

Gents,

I know were all different, lead different paths, some have luck others dont, some have opposite ideas of what we want to achieve in life etc, but what happens if you just dont know??!!

Im looking to hear your stories and/or life experiences good/bad that have made you what you are today so I can try and relate some of my turmoil to them!

Its strange, on paper I should be happy, but Im not. Im 31, I have a decent job, a very close family, great friends, cars, houses, some might say Im ungrateful Im not!
Ive been lucky in lots of things, unlucky in others. Ive never thought what I wanted out of life until now, probably because I am getting older!
Ive just worked bloody hard for 10 years with my head down and had a great time along the way with my friends and family by my side.

Ive been through a few relationships both good and bad. Im now single after my g/friend thew me out. I knew it was the right thing to do, I lie to myself but I know I wasnt truly happy living with her.
We split up 12 months ago and shes still in touch more than ever but she plays with my emotions and picks me up when she wants something, on the plus side shes fantastic and at times and we do have fun.

Im now having to start to think about my future, settling down, unsure where I want to be, what I want to do in life, do I want to travel, do I want a family? ...... I dont have a clue.

[Watchdude]

Hi, I can see where you are coming from. I have been married for six years, just turned thirty and for the last five or so years it has been mainly about work, coming home late, watching a bit of telly and going to bed etc. Luckily I have now been given something which I am sure will give my life a new meaning -a little daughter on the way- and I think sometimes there just needs to be a trigger either from within yourself or from the outside to give you some more motivation and to help you enjoy life! Hope you'll find it.

[Omegamanic]

Life is what happens when you are too busy doing other things.


Very few things make me happy, or even mildly content. But must things that do don't cost anything, and take little effort. I'm generally unfulfilled, and still looking for something...

I think the key is to keep busy, don't hang on too tightly to the past and take advantage of each opportunity that presents itself. I'm still trying to get the hang of those three :)

Edited to add. A v happy friend says he simply, sets goals, works towards them and achieves them. Makes it sound very simplistic, which I'm sure it isn't.

[itsgotournameonit]

Do NOT take what you have for granted.I have been with my wife for over twenty years.Married for 14.We have everything in life that we ever wanted or so we thought.Holidays abroad in the sun.Weekends away with the dogs with friends.I buy watches,She buys shoes.But then you realise that everyday can turn into groundhog day.Its the same old same old routine and one day you think. There has to be more to life than this and in time you both realise that there possibly is and you start to look for it,and then its too late.No turning back on what you had and the 20 years are just memorys.And the future.Well who knows what that will look like.

Your only 31.Plenty of time to make what ever you want happen.

[Possu]

When I was 30, I got a motorcycle. Some years of doing the same old work and in the spare time riding the bike and travelling with my new girlfriend. Then I sold the bike, bought a home, got married, got interested in watches, had kids. Worked for me. So get a bike for starters, the basic solution for anybody looking for a lost youth.

[gray]

I don't believe there is such a thing as a midlife crisis. Just a general malaise and boredom that sets in after a while - at any age.

[ac82]

Who knows what the secret is?

If I were you I would be washing my hands of the ex though otherwise you will always end up back there.

[burnsey66]

Don't fall into the trap you'll only have one (mid life crisis).

I'm currently living with the after effects of my third.

[stooo]

I felt like OP at 30, so I got married, had kids.

Now I don't have time for personal crises. It's taken up with family crises.

[JP28]

Edited to add. A v happy friend says he simply, sets goals, works towards them and achieves them. Makes it sound very simplistic, which I'm sure it isn't.

This is great advice.

[kungfugerbil]

I don't know if it helps or not but at 36 I've got it all out of my system*

Oddly the thing that started everything onto the right track was being made redundant with a small child to support. It's been nothing but good things since and right now wouldn't swap any aspect of my life for another. I've done the 'what am I doing' thing, at exactly your age in fact, but you most definitely can come out the other side and sometimes the key is something out of the blue...

* There are no absolutes of course, but the things that used to triggers for me hold no interest any more.

[Passenger]

The unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates.

Goal setting really does work.

Aim to live the kind of life you don´t need a holiday from is one way to shake off the malaise.

Good luck.

[Bristolian]

I felt like OP at 30, so I got married, had kids.

Now I don't have time for personal crises. It's taken up with family crises.

Yep, thats about it.

If I were 31 and single, I would go travelling for about 2 years. In particular I would go and see what's going on in Australia and China and decide whether theres anything there that I would want to be a part of. Unless something really grabbed me prompting to stay, I would then come back to the UK with a view to doing some postgrad study in something interesting (not necessarily vocational).

I can't think of a better way to spend 2-3 years at a time when you're (I'm sure) mature enough to learn from your experiences and can put that knowledge to good use in the next 40-odd years.

Don't sit at home wasting your time in corporate life with a half hearted relationship - get out and enjoy yourself now. The worst regrets are that you didn't try something when you had the chance.

[bitfield]

It sounds as if you're going to have trouble moving on to a new relationship while your ex is still in the picture. Breaking off contact altogether is tough, but might be what you need to move forward with your life.

[awright101]

Life is what happens when you are too busy doing other things.


Very few things make me happy, or even mildly content. But must things that do don't cost anything, and take little effort. I'm generally unfulfilled, and still looking for something...

I think the key is to keep busy, don't hang on too tightly to the past and take advantage of each opportunity that presents itself. I'm still trying to get the hang of those three :)

Edited to add. A v happy friend says he simply, sets goals, works towards them and achieves them. Makes it sound very simplistic, which I'm sure it isn't.

Sound advice

[Aquavit]

Edited to add. A v happy friend says he simply, sets goals, works towards them and achieves them. Makes it sound very simplistic, which I'm sure it isn't.

This is great advice.

I'm not so sure it is.

I spent twenty years living that way, always for the future, whenever a goal was reached onward to the next one, it was never enough.

I missed out on the "here and now", I hadn't learnt how to live "in and for the moment" as something better was (supposedly) always down the line. Forever chasing the rainbow.

My advice (FWIW) to the OP would be to ditch the ex and live for now, do what he enjoys doing, let the future take care of itself (you really can't control it) make life as uncomplicated as possible and free yourself for opportunities that will assuredly come your way.

[smithdj10]

I felt like OP at 30, so I got married, had kids.

Now I don't have time for personal crises. It's taken up with family crises.

Haha, same here!

[bloater]

I used to work with a guy who when he hit 30 literally had a meltdown, spent a fortune on new car, watches, clothes, etc and realised he still wasn't happy, I hit 30 two days after him and my life carried on like normal.

I'd say follow your dreams, and travel, travel is the one thing I miss now I've got a family, thankfully they are getting older and the lad has a travel bug as well so next year were going on a couple of lads trips off the beaten track.

Ditch the Ex but as she picks you up and drops you at will, I'd be tempted to use her then bin her for good, so she knows how it feels for someone to play with the heart strings for future reference.

[Glamdring]

I don't believe there is such a thing as a midlife crisis. Just a general malaise and boredom that sets in after a while - at any age.

This is true, but crossing the 30 barrier and realising you're actually an adult responsible for yourself is a bit of a bummer. And your waistline starts growing.

OP, if you've the cash buy a new car that excites you. Change your phone number to cut off your ex (if you're sure you'll never connect again) and get some new clothes.

[GOAT]

DO NOT take your health for granted EVER.
A good friend had a life changing accident this year after falling from his push bike. You hear of such things everyday,but until it happens closer to home you have no idea.(or at least I didn't, apologies if this sounds patronising to others with the experience)
since then, my first thoughts each morning are, what a great day, a great life I have.
It can change in a heartbeat.

[kultschar]

Think I had my midlife crisis in my mid 20's lol so maybe my life expectancy is short!!!!

Yeah ditch the ex for good. I was in a stale relationship for years, ended up drinking loads, had work woes, didnt give a crap about myself, treated the girlfriend like poo etc (she was a pain in the neck mind lol) . Woke up one day single, found it difficult & was miserable for a few weeks then it dawned on me I didn't miss her at all! I ended up buying new clothes, socialising with new people, joined a gym (this was key to getting healthy mentally not just physically), met new girls etc It was a complete life changing experience for me, it was fantastic at the time!!

I literally became a new person in the space of 6 months and my goal of enjoying a single lifestyle didn't quite go to plan as I had a new bird on my arm pretty quick. Fast forward 10 years I'm still enjoying life, with the same great girl and we have two young kids.

Anyhow I felt like it was the end of the world back then but it was a amazing how a few basic changes turned things around!

[eduk]

Oddly the thing that started everything onto the right track was being made redundant

Strangely this was the catalyst for me too. Was in a comfortable rut, got bumped out of it unexpectedly and this forced me to get off my arse and make things happen. Won't bore with the details of my life but it made me realise there are times to sit back and there are times to move forward but if you want/need change it is up to you, simple as that.

Best advice i was given during that time was in love, life or work, if in doubt just do something, anything, and if that doesn't work try something else. It is surprising how quickly things change with this approach.

Good luck.

[Neil.C]

I've never had a mid life crisis although I'm well past that now!

I've been married for donkeys years to my (almost) perfect wife. I have three grown up boys and two grandchildren and revel in the life.

Noel Coward once said something like, "Love is the only thing that matters" and it's true. So I would advise the OP to look for it wherever he can.

No amount of motorbikes, watches, friends or travel to distant climes can ever hope to come any where near it IMO.

[RJM25R]

I've never had a mid life crisis although I'm well past that now!

I've been married for donkeys years to my (almost) perfect wife. I have three grown up boys and two grandchildren and revel in the life.

Noel Coward once said something like, "Love is the only thing that matters" and it's true. So I would advise the OP to look for it wherever he can.

No amount of motorbikes, watches, friends or travel to distant climes can ever hope to come any where near it IMO.

Well put.

[watkins101]

When I was 40 my wife passed away from cancer leaving me with three daughters (the oldest one was just shy of 18). We were lucky that we all had a good family relationship and despite working long hours I always found time to spend with my crew. I had to leave a well paid job as they needed me to be nearer during the days and now I earn less than I did 15 years ago. But thats life, I have a new partner now but its not my intention to ever remarry. My late wifes words were when we found out her prognosis " these are the cards we have been dealt, we just have to play them".

I set short term and long term goals but they are only a general steer to my life. Im just enjoying the ride, I go out more than I did, I enjoy life generally more than I did and have a better work life balance. In the months after our loss I was working only part time so we had some severe financial woes so I put a lot of effort into downsizing our lives. Got a more eco car, cut out the sky channels we didn't need and shopped smarter that sort of thing Doing this made me realise that I was really working for stuff that was of no importance. One of the biggest compliments I was paid was by my eldest daughter when she said that even though we had less money we hadn't really noticed and drop in our standard of living, we could still afford to go out etc... But even better now we had more time to go out.

So to surmise, live your life, enjoy time with the people around you and have as few regrets as possible.

[nickspitfire]

oh, to be 31 and single. you are so lucky, and you wont realize it until you are older and married. When I was 31 I was single and living a fine life in Hong Kong, but unfortunately I was restless and searching more happiness so left and didn't realize how happy I was until I lost it all.

What would I do in your shoes ? I would pack a bag, pull on my favourite boots and go travelling the world and never come back.

I read somewhere life is a series of problems and to succeed at life its simply a matter of solving these problems. Ofcourse as we all know life isn't easy so don't get down on yourself if its not going right at the moment, there could be forces which you have no control over. As I get older I feel life is about managing one's regrets.

On relationships I would be careful about getting your life hijacked by others, its a slippery slope from going out with someone and before you even know it you have an unhappy wife, a mortgage, responsibilities of parenthood and you think, hey, what happened, how did I get here. Oh, and take care of your health, you take it for granted until its gone.

I think there are some people who are happy in their work, know what they want to do etc, but the vast majority of us just bumble around in the dark banging into things.

Its also in the nature of humans I think too worry and be unsatisfied with what they have.

[Captainhowdy]

31 is no age to be thinking of such things, if I had my time again at your age I'd be out there trying to hump anything that moved.

[Ian99]

The only thing you are missing is regestration to the website "Plenty of Fish"! You recognise that your ex is using you yet you allow her? Your down because you have low self esteam & your disappointed in yourself for being so pathetic, sorry for being harsh but im early 30's and loads of my single mates are in a similar boat. Nothing strokes a mans ego like Plenty Of Fish.

Get out, meet new women, make new momerories.

You sound succesful in every aspect in your life accept in love, make that right and your ticking the boxes.

[forpetesake]

Thank you for telling your story Watkins101 - I have read your post three times this afternoon. Your actions and your late wife's brave words have hit a chord.
My wife was slightly puzzled when I gave her a big hug earlier today.

All The Best

Peter

[catch21]

Noel Coward once said something like, "Love is the only thing that matters" and it's true. So I would advise the OP to look for it wherever he can.

No amount of motorbikes, watches, friends or travel to distant climes can ever hope to come any where near it IMO.

I agree! You could try reading "The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook" for a laugh and a steer.

Also, don't neglect the exercise and diet.

[Chris_in_the_UK]

31 is not mid life.

[Captainhowdy]

31 is not mid life.

Try telling that to Martin Luther

[demonloop]

I heard this in a song once "All you need is love"

[Quadrophenia]

I'm 23 but I feel like every day's like groundhog day as my job is so monotonous, I must learn to be patient.

Good luck to the original poster as well.

[Puntsdog]

I live my life always looking to my Next Thing. It is always a short term goal but achieving this (whatever it may be at the time) is rewarding enough. The times I have no Next Thing I can clearly identify as being dangerous ones where I have made rash decisions that have set me back in my life. I don't think I'll ever have a mid life crisis living this way as I have a focus and goal. For me it is a win/win situation.

[adigra]

I had a crisis at 24 when I realised I had fallen into a joyless routine. I quit a good job, bought a muscle car, moved to Los Angeles, totally ruined my finances, and nearly my whole life. Never regretted it though, as it taught me that the only things to regret are the ones I didn't do out of fear.

My wife and I generally choose to not pipe-dream and instead just go for it and enjoy life while we can. When we met she lived in England and I in Chicago. Most people thought we were crazy for thinking we could make it work, but here we are 12 years later and more in love than ever. But the trick was and is to enjoy life and each other. I am an artist and I went from that stereotype of starving to being very successful by following the dream rather than thinking about it. I work hard, but love it and enjoy the results.

I suppose my message is to not waste time idling. Think of what makes you happy and go for it (as long as it's not murder or something else awful...). Better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all. Some of the people at that joyless job I quit at 24, 13 years ago, are still there and it's still joyless, and that could've still been me had I not had the balls.

[Neil.C]

Some of the people at that joyless job I quit at 24, 13 years ago, are still there and it's still joyless, and that could've still been me had I not had the balls.

And of course the talent.

[aldfort]

some useful pointers in this thread but basically it's your life. You have to find your own direction. Just keep the feelings of significant others in mid as you do it.

[steve1975i]

Do something you enjoy. First thing I did when I split up with my long term girlfriend was go to Las Vegas on my own and had a great time. If I was 31 again I'd probably go party in Cancun during spring break, English accent, they'd be putty in my hands.

[raptor]

Loosing your health will make you think more clearly. Dont wish that to anyone
Take a break and visit places where people are not so lucky

[andy tims]

As others have said, 31 is not mid life.

As for advice - who knows? We all have different experiences and expectations.

[patrick]

Just do what makes you happy.Don't get trapped by thinking you have to conform to the social norms of what a successful life should be.

[Passenger]

Just do what makes you happy.Don't get trapped by thinking you have to conform to the social norms of what a successful life should be.

Best advice so far.

[AndyMilts]

Probably was in a similar place to you at 30... Working too hard but having a lot of fun. Roll on 31 and the big C turned up lost two years fighting with that. Had huge effects on my life, some good some bad, but really made me appreciate what I had and how fragile it all was and how quickly it can all change.

Kids and the love of a good woman are the keys for me, but at 30 I would not have told you that... It would have been a crate of beer and an easy girl.

If you want to travel you have a great chance to do so now. My one regret was saying no to a job in Japan, when I was younger.