Reply With QuoteIndulge them and cherish them. I am only in my early 40's, but lost my much loved mother nearly ten years ago. I have no relationship with my father worth speaking of.
Value what you have, no matter what their foibles.
Indulge me in a Horlicks moment here...
I'm no spring chicken anymore and my Dad, well he's always been my Dad. In recent years though I am getting more and more stressed/ worried by the goings of my once (I thought) infallible parents. Maybe I put them up on too high a pedestal as a kiddie but these days I find I can't understand a lot of the things they do. They're both old (82 and 79) and their health is changing noticeably. I'm just not sure sometimes how to talk to them. I've taken him to hospital today and it's got me a bit down
I'm not the only one who feels this way am I?
Indulge them and cherish them. I am only in my early 40's, but lost my much loved mother nearly ten years ago. I have no relationship with my father worth speaking of.
Value what you have, no matter what their foibles.
So clever my foot fell off.
If you have any children , you can bet they will probably feel the same way about you in a few years. If you don't, you could maybe try and put yourself in your parents shoes and see what they feel about you.Originally Posted by daveyw
Good luck everybody. Have a good one.
My old chap's 89 and it was some years ago when I dropped him and mum off at a meeting point for a cotton heads tour and I thought MY god they are old people.
That was the first time and the last time it happened - I now just accept him as he is and bugger how society classifies him.
I think the reason for depression is that you may have had a flash of the future - which we all have and it comes as a shock sometimes.
Do the right thing by him - it's all about respect - he was once a young turk like we all were.
I wont tolerate anyone patronising my dad - he is old and hard of hearing - not stupid.
B
One passes over a threshold where the roles reverse. I suspect for most people (and in my case) this is gradual and not that pronounced but I'm sure in some case it is quicker and really noticeable.
Where I once (and still do) seek advice from my parents (I'm mid forties, they early seventies) they increasingly come to me.
As the Banana said, whatever the stresses (and I'm lucky on that front), cherish them.
+2
I recently lost my mother, so now I have zero parents. Neither aged in a way I would consider dignified, and we endured nearly five years of my mother's increased dementia, but they were my parents. Smile, nod, and take control of their assets before they lose the capacity to make their own financial decisions. Seriously. The money issue was truly ugly when we had to remove my mother from her bank account.
Cheers for concerned replies guys.
I am truly grateful for what I've got and I'm not going into regrets etc. I'm just finding the age old transition a bit worrisome today and needed a place to vent rather than with them or my family. Just as I wish they'd talk to me a little more about their problems -I'm sure they wished I'd talked to them a bit more about mine when I was younger. Heh ho
Indeed, on the subject of money and other affairs, assuming they trust you, do get that power of attorney before they lose the ability to sign it. Mum had one for my grandad and it made managing his final months so much easier.
Don't let it stress you...they're going to be the ones who need you rather than the other way round.
As my Mum got older she slowly lost her short term memory. Ask her about the war, or some old-time family gossip and she was spot on and entertaining as usual. Ask her who came to see her yesterday or what she had for breakfast...no chance. That was a real problem when it came to taking her meds!
She'd always called her sons by the other's names. In her later years, what was an amusing trait became a problem when she couldn't bring to mind the right name. Eventually I learnt to accept that she knew who I was, even if she appeared to be guessing at my name! But it really stressed my eldest brother...and he in turn stressed her by keeping on 'testing' her to see what she could or couldn't remember. It somewhat spoiled his visits and that was a shame.
I made the mistake of worrying about it too. I became frustrated when Mum wasn't interested in things that were new or different, even if I could see that they would be a benefit to her. Many times, I'm afraid to say, I let it show and so spoiled what should have been a relaxing time. Eventually, I just gave up on persuasion and Mum, generally, accepted my suggestions without too many questions.
So, the older we get the less like our younger selves we may become (not a surprise really). It'd be best if you can accept that and take them as they've become. More fun all round.
Just be happy they are both still alive, I lost both my parents in my early 30's. I'd give anything I own to have just one day with my Dad again even if he was 80
Both my parents died a few years back. My mother (82) suddenly, my father (88) after a 5 yrs of dementia. They lived about 1.5 hrs drive from where I live. So I was not able to go there every day or so. And that was not easy during my father's last 5 yrs. He spent his days in a special home for psycho geriatric people. And the staff there was great. I (still) take my hat off for these people! I tried to visit him every other week or every week. Mostly on a Friday evening only an hour or so.
When both your parents are still healthy, mentally wise, try to connect as much as possible with them. We talked about everything: the old days, kids, work etc. Small talk is enough. But be sure that you do not walk away for the more serious or even sad parts: let them tell you how their funeral should be, let them tell you about their thoughts about re-animation etc. I am so glad that we talked about that too! Now, 5 years after my father passed away, I'm still happy that we talked about these things!
Enjoy their company while you can!
Menno
This is so spooky. It struck a real chord. I am just beginning to be concerned about my own folks fragility as they pass their mid seventies.....my (slightly) younger brother has noticed nothing unusual or different, and has accused me of being 'maudlin', I think he meant melancholy.
I just want to protect the people who gave me such a wonderful childhood and a balanced up bringing....to remove anything that would cause them concern or worry, hard to do when you live 115 miles away.
It's a strange position to be in, one of role reversal.
From recent experience I would have a discussion around practicalities of helping if either was not able to help themselves to establish their wishes. My Dad was an organised guy and went through the details of his and Mums finances and where papers, will etc were kept. One thing he did not have in place was an Enduring Power of Attorney. Mum died a few years ago and then Dad's dementia increased, luckily I was able to get an enduring power of attorney before he was judged to be incapable of giving consent. Not an easy discussion to have but one I wished I had earlier.
Last edited by Martin123; 24th April 2014 at 14:32.
I lost my dad to cancer aged 80, 8 years ago, and my mum is getting increasingly frail at age 84, she still has all her marbles, even though she's been mad as a box of frogs for years. We often take her round the local car boot on a sunday and by god she can still spot a bargain at 100 paces, and shift like the wind when said bargain is under threat. Treasure the gimmers, they ain't got long left and you'll miss them when they are gone.
ktmog6uk
marchingontogether!
Well at least the responses so far confirm what I thought- I'm not alone on this one.
Don't get me wrong I do treasure my time with them. it's just that there seem to be certain subjects that are becoming 'taboo' that shouldn't be, like their health.
I'm just worrying about them more and more, even more so when they say 'nothing to worry about' when I know there's plenty. It's funny that they don't ever stop worrying about you and want to protect you when sometimes you'd prefer honesty
I'm 32, my mum is 70 and my aunt, who is like a second mum, is 73 and while I know they should still hopefully have at least a decade left each, I am extremely close to both of them, especially my mum, and I'm already starting to worry about how their transition into old age will go, how they will change and, perhaps selfishly, how it will affect me. I really don't know what will happen when my mum dies, I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to cope.
This may sound strange,but here goes.Im 54 next and moved out @ age 17 and never went back having got married at 20 and still happily together.
So I've had many years away from my parents than I was ever with them.I look back and see all the stuff we had at birthdays/ holidays all over the world and at Christmas we always got what we wanted when my mates never did!,so I appreciate what they did way back then if only for the material things a youngster wanted:),but in reality for much more looking back as a 54 year old.
But as they have grown older and me too :(,I see things as a child or teenager never did or would,and they do more often than not tend to irritate me with the things they do,now I fully understand how pensioners in their late 70,s and 80's as mine are tend to have a mindset going back a long way as regards to money and how not to spend it!.
When I was a teenager and at home money then as now wasn't really an issue considering all the things we had and holidays we had,but now my Mum will make a chicken last a month lol,they have no money problems at all and say you and your Brothers will get it when we have gone,If anything this has made me the person I now am,in that my Adult Son and Daughter are helped NOW where and when we can,not to mention the Grandchildren.We help with Holidays abroad and I love it,next hol July and the extra surprise is we have paid all inclusive so what they think they are saving up for will not be required.My parents never helped me once since leaving home at 17 and I never asked,my Mum would say to the kids (their Grandchildren)when approx 5 or so when at the seaside,can't you wait till we get back home for an ice cream!,this has never left me and I see just how tight my Mum has become,and as they say things run in the family,her side are all tight but not short of money either!!!!!!!,hence I have issues with that.
Id say I'm not what you would say close to my Parents,I'm the polar opposite with our Grandkids they can have anything they want,NO isn't in my vocabulary,ok you can say sometimes you have to,but whilst it's generally can I have sweets or the Disney channel they only want :), then it's pretty hard to say no under those circumstances.
Very easy to say,cherish what you have because it ain't here forever,I agree,but as I said since age 17 I ain't had or needed my parents around and they too weren't around for me other than we know where we all are.
I have friends probably closer than my parents,and that I have known for longer!,if you see what I mean.
Last edited by P9CLY; 24th April 2014 at 15:41.
Yep...recognise that; they don't think that should trouble you and they, probably, are as reluctant as are the rest of us to face up to deteriorating health and ability.
The best I can advise is to keep it low key so that is doesn't become an issue. If you have any siblings, then don't let your parents feel you're ganging up on them. Sooner or later, as part of a general conversation in an informal situation (eating out, a visit somewhere), one or other of you will be able to get through to them. It may even be a wife or partner who isn't one of their own children who makes the connection. But it will happen...and hopefully before any emergencies.
It may be easier talk to one of them on their own, but in the context of doing something else! Look for opportunities in conversation; relatives or neighbours who have accidents or other problems may provide a suitable stimulus to a general conversation that you can guide around to your concerns for them. Dare I say it...treat them a bit like a stroppy teenager and work out the best tactics to wheedle what you need out of them!
+3 although I imagine that its very hard at times to appreciate them when they are being a pain, however they wont be around forever.
B
It's pretty much the standard saying tbh,but I think we all know theirs now't as odd as family when it comes to long term fallouts!,and usually over trivial stuff.
It then comes down to who wants to give in and use the above saying and get over it,sadly it doesn't happen for some,then their gone :(.
Stubborness is a human trait we all have at times.
My mum passed away ten years ago, from a phone call saying she had collapsed to the doctor saying she had passed away was 4 hours, heart attack totally out of the blue. My dad was a fit 75 year old independent and more than able to live on his own. Four yeas ago he suffered pneumonia and was in hospital 12 weeks he went from a fit old man who could cycle around the village to being sent home 24 hour oxygen and palliative care with 3-6 months life expectancy. 4 years later he's still going strong, can't walk far 20 yards max and his eye sight has almost gone. He's at that stage where he feels 70 in his head but his body won't let him do what he wants. I'm on a big guilt trip every time I go out at the week end I feel I have to invite him otherwise I spend the day imagining him sitting at home alone not seeing anyone all day. He brought me up for 25 years so my time is the least I can give up. Trouble is... Ten minutes after picking him up I want to drive faster and faster and push him out the car! He drives me mad, tells the same story over and over, keeps going on about how wel this persons son is doing or that person is doing every time he opens his mouth he drives me mad. He'll tell a story and just fill in the blanks with crap.
But he's my dad and if he needs me I'll do my best to be there, better that than find out I wasn't there when it's too late to do anything about it.
Lost mum nearly 7 years ago and dad is a near-blind cantankerous 91 year old that I love to bits.
He lives close enough that I can be there every time he calls and just far enough away that it's a bit of a trek.
He's still living on his own and keeping himself (and me) busy looking after his far too large rambling bungalow.
Similarly to what was mentioned earlier, he and my mother brought me up and looked after me, helped me through university and helped me buy my home and provided lots of childcare for his grandson [1], so the least I can do is bring him over for lunch on Sundays, collect him and take him to A&E at stupid O'Clock in the morning and put on the rubber gloves when he has a foreskin-related catheter crisis [2].
Must go, time for the second of his twice daily phone calls :)
[1] As soon as grandchildren arrive you realise that you've fulfilled your purpose as your parents only ever want to know about your childred
[2] That was a night to forget, I'll assure you
Just finished watching `protecting our parents`- that didnt exactly cheer me up much either
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