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Thread: The best, most intelligent puns ever....

  1. #1
    Master doug darter's Avatar
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    The best, most intelligent puns ever....

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The> stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    24. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
    No pun in ten did.

  2. #2
    Craftsman
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    A long time since I have pleasurably and audibly groaned on a late night train (1994, London to Birmingham, with a little encouragement from the then squeeze, if memory serves) so thanks for that!

  3. #3
    Master jwg663's Avatar
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    She was only an ironmonger's daughter, so the nut that screwed her bolted.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by doug darter View Post
    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

  5. #5
    Journeyman
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    She was only a welder's daughter but she had acetylene legs.

    OK, I'll get my coat!

    Barry

  6. #6
    Craftsman
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    “Two weevils crept from the crumbs. 'You see those weevils, Stephen?' said Jack solemnly.

    I do.'

    Which would you choose?'

    There is not a scrap of difference. Arcades ambo. They are the same species of curculio, and there is nothing to choose between them.'

    But suppose you had to choose?'

    Then I should choose the right-hand weevil; it has a perceptible advantage in both length and breadth.'

    There I have you,' cried Jack. 'You are bit - you are completely dished. Don't you know that in the Navy you must always choose the lesser of two weevils? Oh ha, ha, ha, ha!”

    ― Patrick O'Brian

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Losenotaminute View Post
    “Two weevils crept from the crumbs. 'You see those weevils, Stephen?' said Jack solemnly.

    I do.'

    Which would you choose?'

    There is not a scrap of difference. Arcades ambo. They are the same species of curculio, and there is nothing to choose between them.'

    But suppose you had to choose?'

    Then I should choose the right-hand weevil; it has a perceptible advantage in both length and breadth.'

    There I have you,' cried Jack. 'You are bit - you are completely dished. Don't you know that in the Navy you must always choose the lesser of two weevils? Oh ha, ha, ha, ha!”

    ― Patrick O'Brian

    “This short watch that is about to come, or rather these two short watches--why are they called dog watches? Where, heu, heu, is the canine connection?'

    Why,' said Stephen, 'it is because they are curtailed of course.”

    ― Patrick O'Brian, Post Captain

  8. #8
    Master lysanderxiii's Avatar
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    Not a pun, but in the nautical theme.....


  9. #9
    Master Chinnock's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stooo View Post
    I am crying with laughter at this one!

  10. #10
    Master
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    I still love my son's favourite pun:

    What's brown and sticky?........................................... ....................................... A stick!

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